new riding pics

they were taken today,had a great lesson-not been able to go because of the weather for a while,as we only have an outdoor but an indoor is finally being built this year.

anyway,enough waffling-pix [with face edits of staff of course,as have not asked them if itd be ok to stick them on here or not,though they were fine with the youtube video]>

jas getting all warmed up for cantering.

jas trot x cantering towards a small jump,to much effort which next photo will prove.....

she plowed straight through it.

thats when the whip was brought out,though for some reason it was a lunging whip so probably spent more time smacking the staff with it,as its that long.

say hello to tiddles

-the above is the earliest scan of tiddles,aka sisters baby girl,she hasnt gave her a name yet but she mentioned she is thinking of calling her 'orla',urgh yuck,poor girl,shes utter shit at naming.
if remember correctly,she is due the day after st patricks day next month,itll be funny if she is born on st patricks day as all our parents and the rest of family are irish.

providing she is not a screaming little brat [more at home on supernanny],have got big plans for her,hope to get her into horse riding so she gets the chances to do it from very early on if sister can afford it,will be spoiling her to.
sister is going to get her addicted to cats,she will have to as she has several of them with special needs [sandy,who is diagnosed with FHS- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feline_Hyperesthesia_Syndrome ,the best way to describe it in her case woud be a early trauma triggered personality disorder as she was severely abused and neglected by her previous owner,getting beaten and kicked out everytime she got pregnant but sister rescued her during one of her pregnancies, and then there is ruby-the runt kitten of sandys litter,very undersized,had to be syringe fed specialist cat milk by sister when she was born because of her size and no one wanted her because she was extremely shy of people as sandy warned her off us all the time,but now she is a sociable kitteh].

progress

if have read this blog for a while,will know have not eaten food for a very long time,and in more recent months,had started to eat again when at mums and dads at the weekends.
have been prescribed specialist liquid food for years which is to be honest,absolutely fucking disgusting,and on top of that have since found out acid reflux is what has been making keeping it down; worse.

but,recently,was given medication for the acid reflux to take and it completely transformed own view of the milkshakes,so am finally keeping them down though they do still taste bad.

have also started to feel more settled here,social worker had even promised was not being moved on as he wondered why everytime he came had tried to avoid him thinking he was here to announce a move to yet another place,as had been the routine before being moved here.

the fact am feeling more settled,is really helping with the food side of things,as one of the major reasons do not eat is for control,as had had no control at all in life when had stopped eating- was being moved about,didnt know when the next move was going to happen,coudnt settle, was housebound at the last place and unable to move out the building and life there was completely unpredictible.
so had used controling food as a way to focus on to try and avoid all this unpredictibility.
....then it became a routine to.

but every time am out somewhere in the car with a staff called longhair [its the nickname that call her,obviously not real name as have been told off for using their first names on here] she buys food for herself all the time and it has become a routine to see her eating,to realise it isnt actualy a shitty thing.

had also began to realise that feel safe with longhair,so last week-for the first time in god knows how long....had eaten first chip from mcdonalds whilst long hair stuffed herself with her usual
big mac,large fries and diet coke to balance it out [shes not fat by the way].
some people think one chip is nothing,and thought it was a joke but that was a huge step to take finally as its like letting grip of what in own mind is control,and because eating is physicaly a difficult thing to do anyway,it probably lasted longer than in the time it took longhair to eat her whole meal.

and yesterday,we had gone here:

a major equestrian/horsey superstore in liverpool called robinsons.
used to go there once a week with national autistic society support staff to check out the stuff and always bought something no matter how small or big.
had not been allowed to go because exactly that,people thought it wasnt fair going there and not having the money to spend.
well because had not gone for so long,was finally allowed back to visit yesterday-staff turned the PA system/music off as they always had done [awesome staff there],and we were checking stuff out until these little kids were running around screaming,the parent who was buying rider gear
was treating the place like a play area letting her kids run riot.
everywhere we went,they ran-so ended up going the opposite,which they ended up running down; screaming as they go,was luckily wearing helmet as head got a beating and did have ear defenders on over it but we didnt get to check out nearly enough and wasnt able to focus on anything but little noisy bastards,seriously cannot believe next month am going to be auntie to one of those,it better not be like that one or they wont be getting presents off auntie emma!

after all that,we went to burger king, longhair stuffed herself as usual,and had got small packet of fries-everyone had thought woud only eat one but ended up eating the whole packet.
took ages of course but managed it!

so today,after horse riding,we went to our usual stop off-starbucks and mcdonalds for longhair, yeah she stuffed herself again,but had got a plain hamburger along with her,and ended up eating it all [yep,slowly,broken up into bits which do with all food],we got a photo of it to prove to everyone back here had done it as no one woud ever believe had gone from eating a chip to a burger:




am not eating here at home yet,but its a big start to getting there by eating with staff.

it will be so much better when eating like other people do,as am still suffering from the flu at the moment-it woudnt be no way near as bad if had been on food and getting energy and all that good stuff that comes from it.

thats a good lesson for people,never use food as control or get obsessed over dieting,the fucking thing will take over whole life and will spiral into a mess of physical and mental health problems.

all was revealed

after yesterdays shenanigans,and worsening today; the illness/whatever it is triggered a tonic-clonic/grand mal seizure tonight,been a while since the last one.
so am thinking a lot of what have been experiencing were pre seizure auras.

feel utter crap,stiff,weak and horrible but have not had more than one tonight or gone into status epilepticus like last time which had all been triggered by being weakened from some virus,and hopefuly this will not become a constant pattern of seizures,cannot deal with seeing the paramedics every day and missing horse riding all the time.

being ignored

this is one thing am very fed up of.

beyond the typical headache/migraine type pains/stomach pain,am not able to communicate about sickness.
it is something that do not understand,and dont show like everyone else-it comes out as violence towards others and self and will not know what it is to be able to make it known to others-so can look fine to others as am not acting like they might do in same situation-but it doesnt mean do not feel very bad when ill,any less than others,it means am lost in a sea of hell and confusion.

so,have been progressively getting worse over the past few days,only one person has noticed it and am thankful for translating it-,he even said had never looked this pale before,and he realised why was acting the way that was,which wasnt visible to self.

over the weekend have eaten almost nothing at all.
at mums,will usually eat a lot of fish cakes and chicken nuggets but coudnt have any at all,the only thing have managed is a few chocolate buttons if that-ended up letting sister take a load today.
have felt even more worse today,and this evening after managing to tell staff about how bad was feeling was interupted about one of the lads being sick today,and how he is being sat with by staff and monitored so closely,it felt like no one gave a damn,as this is the norm.

then they forgot to give night time tablets to,they said its because they are busy upstairs sitting with the resident.
people hadnt even realised was sick last week,and the majority of the time people dont even realise when have been ill,even when have got recogniseable problems am not the type to go telling most people,only specific people if that.

its a lot harder for self to recover even from basic colds due to long term not eating and avoiding the ensures,and am a lot more affected by colds and flu than used to be for the same reason, but because am not able to show it like others it does feel like am worthless.
its yet another one to add to the list of things which makes self feel even more worthless and less equal with each one,thanks to this stupid bastard government for not giving any outdoor funding to be able to get out but giving it to all the other residents-am not even taken dog walking anymore,they take all the other residents out to do fun activities instead.
life is a fucking joke,cannot be bothered with this shit anymore.

what possessed whatever made humans to...well...make us-we are the biggest fucking flaw on this earth.

am not usualy one to rant like this,but there comes a point where its to much.
but no,am not suicidal.