blackpool

am still at mums till sunday,but aunty/uncle and cousins went back early this morning,its been a nice experience.
some people have family over all the time and whinge about them,mum does that but no one listens to her thankfully.

we all went to blackpool on sunday afternoon,sister and her boyfriend came along to.
we were at the complete opposite end to where all the rides and stuff are,it was so busy there werent any disabled parking spots free at all anywhere [something which became a larger issue later on].

we had walked all the way along the beach,then all those greedy bastards wanted to stop and stuff themselves,so was sitting on the beach,with sister and dad whilst the rest went and ordered stuff [sorry the family arent really greedy bastards theyre just the opposite of self with food].

took this as a chance to get some photos of the beach before it got to dark,unfortunately the camcorder has no flash so didnt to many good ones but will stick up some super awesome ones that uncle took with his new d-SLR camera-might take him a few years to organise it and work out how to copy and paste to his computer,seriously tempted to get a digi SLR now.




as soon as it got dark,and the infamous 'blackpool lights' came on,it was a very different scene to how it had just been,was suddenly left coping with booming music and PA systems going off from all the bingo halls/arcades,stalls and shops,the lights were flashing at the pace of strobe lighting-but was determined to buy something from blackpool as always have done,had fancied an airgun but dad was having none of it.
was also trying to buy a stick of rock for each staff [which unfortunately didnt manage to do so because of the music].

was getting quite agressive from the overload and attacking out so was physically restrained on both arms by sister and dad,the thing that ended up buying in the end was a cat tshirt,
but had paid a heavy price in having routine-being forced into a never ending squealing moshpit of kids with more flashing lights than an illegal rave-a tonic clonic seizure.

the car was parked very far away,and the only drivers in our group had all buggered off with the kids to the pleasure beach [where the rides are] so was left to be dragged back to the car by sister and dad.
still...being a stubborn git with routine has it good points,got some awesome blackpool donuts out of it as well as the kitty tshirt,and got to laugh at everyone else who came along to who did not stop moaning-they all brought just a jumper,no gloves or anything,had personally come prepared with the deep pressure vest,a coat,a heavy hoody,a hat and gloves-what pillock woud go to a UK beach and think itll be warm with the winter wind blowing on the sea.

its been great having aunty,uncle and cousins over-theyre planning to come over for the birth of tiddles next year [what have called sisters unborn baby,due march-though she isnt liking the name somehow],looking forward to it already.

family stuff

got relatives due in any moment now,from tallaght in dublin,staying at mums for a week.
-an uncle,aunty and cousins-one just turned adult age with classic autism and teenage cousin has learning disability.
rarely ever see any relatives as theyre all mostly in other countries [ireland,new zealand and canada] and cannot use planes or ships.
have bought aunty and uncle a bunch of flowers and cousins a big tub of chocolates as presents,was going to get a bottle of bollinger,moet or krug for uncle/aunty but dad mistakenly told staff she doesnt drink champagne.
got loads of stuff planned with them.

discovering life in a different way

havent posted on here for a while due to a very accute problem that had become a very difficult journey mentally.

since last year,have been developing worsening mental health symptoms which had all been put down to the non existant diet [no eating at all for almost a year now] and refusal to drink most of the ensure [refusing due to the company changing the bottle and flavour which is now unstomachable] but it had all started before had stopped eating completely.

since early last year or possibly even earlier,have been severely depressed without realising because of the level of difficulty have got with understanding feelings and missing some, had only recognised it when it got to the point was suicidal but it went so much further and deeper than that,including developing pyschosis where had ended up attacking staff whilst having some very accute episodes of it.

people had thought it was past problems [like with the past residential homes have been in,and much older history] causing the issues,and was refused a chance to find out about medication because was told no medication woud help,but in recent weeks had been suicidal every day,constant suicidal thoughts,cutting every day, barely moved out of bed or own bathroom [where hide away in],and was also accutely paranoid,paranoid delusional and halucinating [tactile and visual] ,was unscrewing door handles with a flat knife had managed to steal as felt in serious danger from staff [delusion]- was attacking them and baracading self in bedroom and smashing the place up,and so much more fucked up stuff.

every day was wanting to disappear so badly.
to add to it all,those bastards at the council had not even gone through with what they had promised,as we have to have seperate funding for getting outdoor time-to pay for extra staff,was promised the funding but they had turned around and gone back on it,every other resident has the funding as they come from different boroughs,
and am expected to stay in the building everyday seeing the same walls and ceiling with nothing at all to do inside but sit and think, whilst everyone else has priority and can get out and do activities-am only taken out if theres any spare time left over.
the bastards had refused to pay for the extra single pane of glass without going halves with the organisation am with,and they cheated self out of this funding!
am not putting up with it any longer and have typed a letter for social worker,and want to contact MP as well,as the managers have been fighting for this small amount of funding and still get the same answer.

so recently,was at lowest point,had managed to finally convince staff that need to see GP as was so fed up of this-had actually gone with sister in the end to the appointment,she heard every detail off sister and did not judge like others have done,was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder with pyschosis,and said the pyschosis had probably developed through the depression being left untreated.
she said the only action possible is medication and was prescribed a quick acting SSRI that was compatible with all the meds am on- a maximum doseage of cymbalta.

was refered to the LD pyschiatrist by own LD pyschologist,as the GP said pyschosis is to specialist an area for her to treat-so need to get meds via the pyschiatrist,appointment shoud be in a month have been told.

the cymbalta has been life changing in differing ways-am becoming like old self again,the suicidal obsessive thoughts have disappeared and havent attempted suicide,and it has completely removed the cutting-have not cut once since the drug had kicked in-which has been a way of coping since early adult hood [infant age if include cutting with fingernails and teeth] ,and its also completely stopped the carotid strangling,staff say they can see the change to.
the pyschosis hasnt changed but had never realised just how much the depression had taken over life.

have got depressive history that can trace back to teenage years,when had taken a box full of co codomols,but as was not able to tell anyone nor wanted to,it didnt get found out-not even the puke up the wall with stomach lining and partly disolved pills were noticed by mum when she cleaned it up,only sister really knows and understands.

people think only aspies have depression but from own experience, and a number of other classic autists have lived/live with,we are not immune to it and people shoud always look out for it in classic autists as it isnt as easy for us to understand or communicate,
its usually always put down to challenging behavior and we are punished severely when we may already feel severely punished by our own heads.

motability car at last [slight update]

finally got it at last!
it had to be changed from metalic blue to metalic red in the end,as citroen said they didnt have any more blue for months,but had finally got the car on friday.

its a citroen nemo multispace,and is huge inside-looks smaller on the outside than it is on the inside!
its an awesome smooth ride,a very quiet car,easy to get in and out of.
the seats have modern fabric on them,and being a tall backseat only passenger can say have never been in a more comfortable car-huge leg/head room.the driving staff say exactly the same thing as well as its got an arm rest for that seat.
the floor isnt carpeted,its plasticy,rubbery sort of which is great as it means am able to help clean it instead of doing what everyone else does and taking it to cleaners.

still waiting for an OT visit to get the crelling harness for the car sorted out,as it has to go through them,CQC [the police of uk residential centres/homes] treat the crelling harness as physical restraint and have to get it written down by the OT as a need,so CQC cant complain,otherwise they woud have to be informed everytime it was used in the same way they already have to everytime regular restraint is used.
the only real issue have got with it is the radio,it automatically turns on everytime the engines switched on,a lot of people dont notice radio noise,really need to find a way to keep it turned off without pulling it out.
was given a boquet of flowers along with the car by the citroen garage,which was very nice as not many shops woud do that,the colours are very nice to look at.


have only got a few photos of it but they identify home to much,and because have gotten into a lot of trouble with photos [though no idea what for],will only stick this one on for now,until can get better ones tomorrow....yea its a shit looking one of the inside,but will edit some better ones in tomorrow.

[edit]
Some more photos of the car,finally worthwhile to show relatives as well,mum was wanting to put on her good trousers to come out and see it when was dropped off at the weekend,cant take them [parents] anywhere.


have got a thing about the patterns on wheels,and become instantly tranced by them,so took a photo of the citroens:
theyre a bit shit and plasticy,as far as these things go,they are just wheel trims not alloy wheels,had wanted to get some alloys added on as well,but everyone says they are to expensive and with this being on motorbility there may be some issues over replacing wheels like that as its on contract.

have found some awesome looking alloys,very nice patterns will just make do with looking at all the alloy patterns on the bentleys/mercs/jags or whatever in the sainsburys car park for now.

teeth and other stuff

havent been on since july,it doesnt seem good that cant remember anything apart from this week.

this week finally had to part from an old friend for good.
was in hospital for another round of day surgery again,though this time there wasnt any root canal as far as can remember,had to have first ever tooth removed [and have some fillings done].

the disability dentist that have,was awesome as always and came to visit a few times to discuss what was going to happen,staff had gotten film of the all the routes woud be doing inside the hospital on the camcorder which always helps.
the learning disability nurse from the hospital had come to visit to go through everything,as well to bring a pecs schedule of the visit,and to drop some equipment off so coud get used to them again.
was not feeling very well about it,partly because of uprooting to hospital for the day,but also because had never had a tooth out,and having a severe nerve condition which is always triggered by dental work.

had gone in the minibus with staffs that felt very safe with,and brought quilt and other things to try and feel as at home as possible,luckily was on the top of the op list so it was so early it was when all the kids were being forced out their houses and going to school.
it also meant was well out of it as hadnt slept the night before,which in some ways had helped as did not have a lot of power to be triggered,and slept more than head banged or ticced.

was let in the back way to the ward,and into the same side room that always go in,was also looked after by same nurse that was looked after last time,which was awesome!

one thing that had kept self going,was thinking about when biscuit got some teeth out,she had a few out-if a big wuss of a cat can cope with that then so can an adult.
we all walked down to the room where they do the injection,was very glad they didnt do any of the BP testing till was out.
they had quickly put the canula in hand no messing with putting it in like what usually happens,then they shot some tiny bottles of clear liquid through it,then a syringe full of white liquid,then like that was coming around looking up to staff and nurses,was told was in recovery,then brought back to the side room,felt well out of it.
took ages to come around from it this time,everytime kept getting a bit of strength was just sent back to sleep again,was given morning meds as soon as possible as was not allowed to drink redbull with them before being put to sleep.
had never tasted anything as sickening as redbull and a mouthful of blood,jesus-coud not get rid of that taste,disgusting!!
then after waking up again, for some reason felt like was burning up-extreme,had never had this after a GA before.

was supported over to the chairs,where just rolled over to sleep again-burning up and feeling sick from temperature-staffs and nurses all said they had actually felt quite cold so it was obviously self just being weird.
the nurse got hold of a fan which helped self to cool better,and come back to normal better-that was a very weird experience.
the next day,the dentist rang to see how was doing,she is a very nice person all the staff are at the hospital-am making them a hand made thanks card for all the help they did.

that was wendsday-the pain was quite bad as it had set off the stupid facial nerve,felt like ripping off face it was that bad.
mouth is covered in ulcers,throat is scarred from having the tube down [a usual side effect of GAs for self] which was probably the worst pain,was also dribbling constantly on one side from the local anaesthetic still having an effect-dont know where it all came from.

today is saturday,and its only just feeling a bit better now,but the tooth area has got a bit worse,sisters boyfriend [a dentist] thinks from what have told him over msn it might be infected or 'drysocket' developing,well fuckthat.

in a few months theyre putting a implant tooth in [after it heals],they have to screw that into the jaw,am not allowed the clip on ones because of high risk from head banging/punching and seizures,as they said this woud break all the teeth it was attached to.


-tooth stuff out the way..................have been given some very weird news,am going to be an aunty,as was told by sister this week she is having a baby [due march next year] ,saw her first scan,looks like a proper baby and everything but everyone is saying its not bigger than a hand right now-actually think will like this aunty thing when it comes out.
am planning on spoiling it,maybe get it a little toy every week,and buy it some clothes for when its born.