Thursday, 21 October 2010

discovering life in a different way

havent posted on here for a while due to a very accute problem that had become a very difficult journey mentally.

since last year,have been developing worsening mental health symptoms which had all been put down to the non existant diet [no eating at all for almost a year now] and refusal to drink most of the ensure [refusing due to the company changing the bottle and flavour which is now unstomachable] but it had all started before had stopped eating completely.

since early last year or possibly even earlier,have been severely depressed without realising because of the level of difficulty have got with understanding feelings and missing some, had only recognised it when it got to the point was suicidal but it went so much further and deeper than that,including developing pyschosis where had ended up attacking staff whilst having some very accute episodes of it.

people had thought it was past problems [like with the past residential homes have been in,and much older history] causing the issues,and was refused a chance to find out about medication because was told no medication woud help,but in recent weeks had been suicidal every day,constant suicidal thoughts,cutting every day, barely moved out of bed or own bathroom [where hide away in],and was also accutely paranoid,paranoid delusional and halucinating [tactile and visual] ,was unscrewing door handles with a flat knife had managed to steal as felt in serious danger from staff [delusion]- was attacking them and baracading self in bedroom and smashing the place up,and so much more fucked up stuff.

every day was wanting to disappear so badly.
to add to it all,those bastards at the council had not even gone through with what they had promised,as we have to have seperate funding for getting outdoor time-to pay for extra staff,was promised the funding but they had turned around and gone back on it,every other resident has the funding as they come from different boroughs,
and am expected to stay in the building everyday seeing the same walls and ceiling with nothing at all to do inside but sit and think, whilst everyone else has priority and can get out and do activities-am only taken out if theres any spare time left over.
the bastards had refused to pay for the extra single pane of glass without going halves with the organisation am with,and they cheated self out of this funding!
am not putting up with it any longer and have typed a letter for social worker,and want to contact MP as well,as the managers have been fighting for this small amount of funding and still get the same answer.

so recently,was at lowest point,had managed to finally convince staff that need to see GP as was so fed up of this-had actually gone with sister in the end to the appointment,she heard every detail off sister and did not judge like others have done,was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder with pyschosis,and said the pyschosis had probably developed through the depression being left untreated.
she said the only action possible is medication and was prescribed a quick acting SSRI that was compatible with all the meds am on- a maximum doseage of cymbalta.

was refered to the LD pyschiatrist by own LD pyschologist,as the GP said pyschosis is to specialist an area for her to treat-so need to get meds via the pyschiatrist,appointment shoud be in a month have been told.

the cymbalta has been life changing in differing ways-am becoming like old self again,the suicidal obsessive thoughts have disappeared and havent attempted suicide,and it has completely removed the cutting-have not cut once since the drug had kicked in-which has been a way of coping since early adult hood [infant age if include cutting with fingernails and teeth] ,and its also completely stopped the carotid strangling,staff say they can see the change to.
the pyschosis hasnt changed but had never realised just how much the depression had taken over life.

have got depressive history that can trace back to teenage years,when had taken a box full of co codomols,but as was not able to tell anyone nor wanted to,it didnt get found out-not even the puke up the wall with stomach lining and partly disolved pills were noticed by mum when she cleaned it up,only sister really knows and understands.

people think only aspies have depression but from own experience, and a number of other classic autists have lived/live with,we are not immune to it and people shoud always look out for it in classic autists as it isnt as easy for us to understand or communicate,
its usually always put down to challenging behavior and we are punished severely when we may already feel severely punished by our own heads.

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