Wednesday, 16 February 2011


if have read this blog for a while,will know have not eaten food for a very long time,and in more recent months,had started to eat again when at mums and dads at the weekends.
have been prescribed specialist liquid food for years which is to be honest,absolutely fucking disgusting,and on top of that have since found out acid reflux is what has been making keeping it down; worse.

but,recently,was given medication for the acid reflux to take and it completely transformed own view of the milkshakes,so am finally keeping them down though they do still taste bad.

have also started to feel more settled here,social worker had even promised was not being moved on as he wondered why everytime he came had tried to avoid him thinking he was here to announce a move to yet another place,as had been the routine before being moved here.

the fact am feeling more settled,is really helping with the food side of things,as one of the major reasons do not eat is for control,as had had no control at all in life when had stopped eating- was being moved about,didnt know when the next move was going to happen,coudnt settle, was housebound at the last place and unable to move out the building and life there was completely unpredictible.
so had used controling food as a way to focus on to try and avoid all this unpredictibility.
....then it became a routine to.

but every time am out somewhere in the car with a staff called longhair [its the nickname that call her,obviously not real name as have been told off for using their first names on here] she buys food for herself all the time and it has become a routine to see her eating,to realise it isnt actualy a shitty thing.

had also began to realise that feel safe with longhair,so last week-for the first time in god knows how long....had eaten first chip from mcdonalds whilst long hair stuffed herself with her usual
big mac,large fries and diet coke to balance it out [shes not fat by the way].
some people think one chip is nothing,and thought it was a joke but that was a huge step to take finally as its like letting grip of what in own mind is control,and because eating is physicaly a difficult thing to do anyway,it probably lasted longer than in the time it took longhair to eat her whole meal.

and yesterday,we had gone here:

a major equestrian/horsey superstore in liverpool called robinsons.
used to go there once a week with national autistic society support staff to check out the stuff and always bought something no matter how small or big.
had not been allowed to go because exactly that,people thought it wasnt fair going there and not having the money to spend.
well because had not gone for so long,was finally allowed back to visit yesterday-staff turned the PA system/music off as they always had done [awesome staff there],and we were checking stuff out until these little kids were running around screaming,the parent who was buying rider gear
was treating the place like a play area letting her kids run riot.
everywhere we went,they ran-so ended up going the opposite,which they ended up running down; screaming as they go,was luckily wearing helmet as head got a beating and did have ear defenders on over it but we didnt get to check out nearly enough and wasnt able to focus on anything but little noisy bastards,seriously cannot believe next month am going to be auntie to one of those,it better not be like that one or they wont be getting presents off auntie emma!

after all that,we went to burger king, longhair stuffed herself as usual,and had got small packet of fries-everyone had thought woud only eat one but ended up eating the whole packet.
took ages of course but managed it!

so today,after horse riding,we went to our usual stop off-starbucks and mcdonalds for longhair, yeah she stuffed herself again,but had got a plain hamburger along with her,and ended up eating it all [yep,slowly,broken up into bits which do with all food],we got a photo of it to prove to everyone back here had done it as no one woud ever believe had gone from eating a chip to a burger:

am not eating here at home yet,but its a big start to getting there by eating with staff.

it will be so much better when eating like other people do,as am still suffering from the flu at the moment-it woudnt be no way near as bad if had been on food and getting energy and all that good stuff that comes from it.

thats a good lesson for people,never use food as control or get obsessed over dieting,the fucking thing will take over whole life and will spiral into a mess of physical and mental health problems.

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