fed up

right now am looking at one hell of a fuck up.
have not cut for months but this week have been struggling in head,dont know why.
coud have cut,as there were some hidden metal no one knew about....but didnt.
have been losing trust more and more in people,and have had the old 'issues' back for a while,have been thinking a pyschotic episode may be due.
this week was told by the pyschiatrist he is pleased am doing so well and wont have to see him for six months,am fucking fed up with having to get used to specialists all the time and was glad he said that but hope this doesnt mean he will have to come back.


tonight had been having a good time checking out hackforums,when had gone to the shed to see where biscuit was,immediately had noticed there was a lot of stuff missing-all of mine to be exact,several PC towers amongst other stuff which was precious to self.
dad knew exactly what was asking him over for; he said he gave most of it away to a family friend am very familiar with [his ex boss] and the other stuff was put in a skip he had ordered this week.

they have always known not to do stuff like that to mine,it was bad enough he refused to allow the pc towers in the house and fucking damaged them,they know exactly what am like with change and having stuff sprung on self like this,with no planning whatsoever.

had gone beserk,can only remember after coming down somewhat from that had gone razorblade hunting and got a blade out of one of those,and am now sat here with an arm cut up,
trousers soaked in blood on one side and feeling completely gone at how mum/dad can just do things like this,without any leading up to it.
they have no idea have done it,dont even trust them enough to show them,dont care enough.

dad said because am not here during the week he coudnt ask-but jesus, we have a fucking phone at ours he coud had phoned staff,and past it on plus planned it more.

feel like cannot trust them at all now,they dont feel like mum and dad,they just feel like humans.


sat out the back with biscuit for a while whilst she watched for mice and hedgehogs,animals are the only beings in life that feel trustworthy,they are predictible and dont change.