Wednesday, 12 December 2012

control freakism vs needing control to feel safe

the profoundly autistic lady living here is her worst enemy-she drives herself crazy with want for control over others,it wakes her up at night over and over and over-tells her to go close a door,or the washing machine door,or something else that a person has moved because she doesnt want to feel like she is having that control stripped away.
-she will fight all day and night to get her own way with controling something or someone.

can totaly understand how it feels because there are certain things that have to do at night to make sure that feel safe-eg, making sure washing machine and dryer doors are open,with the lights on outside bedroom door-unfortunately she wants to control it so she will come down constantly to close them and turn the lights off.
we fight over this but its like a full moon to one of those hairy dog things when she is on her blood time/monthlies it makes her go that one step further.

well,its not even light yet dont know time but tito and kanner have just started cockreling and was in the washing machine room having a look for a fluffy sock,she unfortunately did not like someone opening the machine doors but this is emma she is fucking with-am not the type to back down from someone trying to take away that feeling of safety.
so had hands in the washing machine fiddling with the clothes thinking she woud get bored-wrong.
she kept attacking trying to dig her nails in to tear up flesh,and banging her head against mine which triggered fight reflex-ended up head butting and she went off.
have got a cut on head and a head ache,on top of that have not slept at all tonight nor the night before because she is the room above mine and she cannot walk;she stomps heavy footedly more than self.
>loud creaky bed...stomp stomp stomp-ceiling creaking like its going to fall through...drawer slam open,drawer slam shut....stomp stomp stomp...noisy bedroom door open;noisy bedroom door slam very loudly shut...stomps down stairs,bangs all the doors, changes anything anyone has put how they want it,stomps back up all the doors banging...drawers slamming open then slamming shut,throws her body into creaking bed....repeat this entire sequence over and over from night time till day light.

am fucking wrecked, and at lunch time the sis and nieces and mum are coming for a visit.....uuugghhhh...going to see if can stay at theirs for a bit of sleep today.

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