Monday, 31 December 2012

the effects of temazepam

its new years eve and every autistic and animal knows what that means -fireworks.
am armed with temazepam and had been given one some time ago,feel wasted on it and am going to have a cat nap right now,hopefuly sleep past the fireworks from those who feel they have to share their asda value packet of rockets with the rest of us early...oh joy.

this is a photo of what am looking like right now-no kitty unfortunately because theyre in hiding from the fireworks to-
wish they woud prescribed the damn stuff for night time to.

Thursday, 20 December 2012


after writing the other post about goldie on monday,never thought this woud hapen.

goldie came through the night on monday and staff phoned dad up to find out how she was,oh she had a comfortable night...he says,she was even improving though because of part of her brain being destroyed; her balance was all over the place.

had hoped to go home on monday night even though she wasnt there as it woud have felt closer to her,but mum was blaming herself badly because dad was very nasty to her blaming her for an accident-forgetting to shut the cubord door,which allowed goldie to go in and go under the bath,get onto the kitchen ceiling and slip and hit her head on the sink.
blame is easy but he really let rip on her and poor mum ended up necking a bottle of whisky so was not able to go home.

on tuesday morning,after staff phoning dad for that good report,he went to visit her.
the vet had padded all the walls in the big cage she was in to make sure she coudnt hurt herself,she had been given steroids the night before in the hope itd stimulate her brain and morphine to help with pain,she had an IV in her leg well bandaged up to make sure it didnt get pulled out.

dad and the vet took goldie out on to the vet table to look at her and goldie was lying down because of her balance.
dad was hugging her and stroking her and goldie started purring and lifting her head up for some signature goldie 'triple prong head rubs' as they were called by the bro in law.

they were discussing what to do with goldie,and the vet said she coud transfer goldie to the animal hospital to have an MRI scan but as a cat lover and owner herself she woudnt do it because it woud put a lot of stress on goldie transfering her there,she also coudnt have sedation,and the MRI woud only be able to say what was wrong-not solve anything,she said it cost two fousand pounds.

suddenly,goldies eyes closed,she stopped purring and her head dropped.
she was gone.

dad phoned the house manager to pass it on,had been coming to find her at the time to see if coud go home to visit goldie,thinking she woud be home that day,she said yes am able to go home but goldies gone away and am going to have to help bury her.
almost fainted so quickly dropped to the floor against the wall to avoid that.
manager sat down with em and gave a bear hug and went through the information.

a very rare sight that only ever happens when a animal goes away happened to- water started coming out of eyes and soaking trousers and the manager said it was called crying and its very normal for other people to do that when people they love go away.
-its been doing the same thing for most of the evening and night since getting back from mums.

do not usualy have any money but luckily was told have just been given a DLA bonus and due to the shock had used it to buy a sugar filled mocha and caramel starbucks frapachino and a boquet of purple flowers,as goldie loved hiding in flowers.

ended up spending some time in the room with her,feeling her and stroking her as this helps to understand she really is gone away,there was no sign of any injuries,no blood.
she was still warm so held her until she got cold to make sure it wasnt a mistake or something.
em cut a piece of furr of her and am going to stick it on a photo of her as a visual reminder.

we buried her out the back with all the other cats like twinkle, fluffybum, billy and lottie,mum went out to the shopping when we did that because she is really blaming herself.
had took the best looking bauble from the christmas tree-a gold one with a gold ridged pattern on it and hung it on the grave marker; gold to represent the smartest strangest funniest cat in the house,and had put the boquet of flowers on her grave.

so thats what happened,feel like shit,another best friend is gone.
miss her badly.

Monday, 17 December 2012

goldie is seriously ill

just had some terrible news pased on before.
goldie;a precious ex feral feline baby of mine who lives in the family home is currently in the vets intensive care.

some pillock had left the bath cubord door unlocked and she had managed to get under the bath in the bathroom upstairs and due to rotting wood there is a hole that leads down onto the kitchen ceiling.
the kitchen ceiling tiles are not very stable enough to support the weight of a cat on them and poor goldie fell through banging her head and ribs on the sink-biscuit has got through that hole several times-once we had to fetch her down and the other time she fell through but luckily was not injured, have asked dad to get it sorted out many times but he is the type who puts everything off.

part of her brain has been damaged and she has cracked a rib with some lung damage,she is on morphine and it wasnt looking good earlier on.

they have done a body scan,what they thought was lung damage they now think its lung cancer.

am hoping so much that she comes through this tonight,and her cancer has been detected early enough to be fixed,a support staff made a good point its a good thing she is in the vets though as they woud never have discovered the cancer.

the poor girl has enough problems-renal dysfunction,digestive problems which makes her feel unwell and make almost all types of food go straight through her,she has to have ipakitine powder added to her food every meal which is for kidney/renal failiure and a specialist renal diet which she absolutely hates the taste of and will beat the other cats away from their normal food to get a taste.

luckily mum and dads vet allows long term/reliable customers to pay off the costs in bits, please all root for goldie and pray for her to come through if religeous.

-very recent photo of goldie.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

the auntie business is going well

am really not into humans and all,but do have a bit of an atachment thing to the nieces of mine,being honest it was never there in the first place its something that feels un natural but have got an instinct to protect them-am like that with any vulnerable group.

they came to visit today with the sis and mum.
am still shocked that people actualy like being in company of mine because have grown up being resented,bullied and abused by people; orla; who is two in april,loves being with auntie em and she goes crazy when she finds out she is coming-its amazing that she doesnt even notice the padded helmet; she loves taking it off em and wearing it,and she has never once wondered what the cuts on arm were;even when they were still covered in dried blood.

she is a superb little niece and is mega inteligent she was changing herself,recognising language-and coming back with whatever items people were saying a long time ago-it aint the daddys side shes getting that from though,thats for sure. :P
she loves making fart noises and getting auntie em to do them though am told off by her mammy.

she loves seeing the chickens every time she comes here as well and wont go home without seeing them.
today one of the residents; a fully verbal guy who isnt autistic but is diagnosed as such because the assessment was with the family who spoke no english-he has mental health issues and learning disability,and he comes up right outside bedroom window of mine which is on the ground floor-whilst mum is stood there with orla in her arms looking out, and he really agresively bared his teeth at orla and stuck his fingers up at her [the backward v sign].

-this is the guy am bullied by and sometimes sexualy abused but of course its not bullying or sexual abuse because hes 'the mental capacity of a baby',as if-em respect other peoples opinions on it but a guy who is able to write better than all the staff, is high functioning, fluent in complex urdu language and speaks english,and behaves like an adult in front of em when no staff are there has mental capacity of a baby,in own view its an insult to adults who really do have that mental capacity because they do not have the skills he has and it makes light of their struggles.

anyway-am losing the point,em made sure he knew was not pleased with his behavior and he quickly apologised to orla and mum.

onto the other niece- caoimhe,fuck knows what possessed the sister to give her a difficult name for other kids to say when she is in school; but its said like: 'kee-vah'.
she was being in a good mood today but yesterday she had a load of injections so those will soon be affecting the young lady.
she seems to be accepting em a lot more now and am interacting with her more,and holding her now without her screaming,she seems to want to be held by em which is a change,am not able to wear padded helmet around her though because it freaks her out,it must be all the colours dont think they have full vision at her sort of age yet.

here are some pics the sis took today-

also,dad had been extremely kind and while he was up near pets at home the other day with sister he went in to see if they sold any chickie food as the chickens have all been surviving on porridge only for several weeks now which is very wrong.
dad used his own money to buy a huge sack of it- coudnt believe it was the top of the range stuff; dodson and horrell,they do awesome horse feeds and equipment;

am very greatful to him and mum for helping with the chickens,originaly the company said they were going to be paying for everything-they paid for one sack of feed and that was it from what remember,one of the managers then manipulated a ban on the chickens being allowed to free range on the grass so theyre never allowed out,they woudnt comprimise in any form so if they arent going to comprimise then em aint going to respect their rule.

this particular manager tried to say last week to one staff am not allowed to feed the chickens any food from in the house as its or 'the other residents only'-so thats why staff eat it as well then? also found it offensive because em only eat one meal a day and do not eat any porridge or cereals which is what was giving the chickens- em pay money and get funded towards that food so they can fuck right off if they think am going to be letting everyone eat on ems funding.the manager of our building put a stop to her rule quickly.

she is trying to get em to move them to the farm where em woud never be able to go apart from once every few weeks,she does not like animals at all and hates their noises, tough shit.
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Wednesday, 12 December 2012

control freakism vs needing control to feel safe

the profoundly autistic lady living here is her worst enemy-she drives herself crazy with want for control over others,it wakes her up at night over and over and over-tells her to go close a door,or the washing machine door,or something else that a person has moved because she doesnt want to feel like she is having that control stripped away.
-she will fight all day and night to get her own way with controling something or someone.

can totaly understand how it feels because there are certain things that have to do at night to make sure that feel safe-eg, making sure washing machine and dryer doors are open,with the lights on outside bedroom door-unfortunately she wants to control it so she will come down constantly to close them and turn the lights off.
we fight over this but its like a full moon to one of those hairy dog things when she is on her blood time/monthlies it makes her go that one step further.

well,its not even light yet dont know time but tito and kanner have just started cockreling and was in the washing machine room having a look for a fluffy sock,she unfortunately did not like someone opening the machine doors but this is emma she is fucking with-am not the type to back down from someone trying to take away that feeling of safety.
so had hands in the washing machine fiddling with the clothes thinking she woud get bored-wrong.
she kept attacking trying to dig her nails in to tear up flesh,and banging her head against mine which triggered fight reflex-ended up head butting and she went off.
have got a cut on head and a head ache,on top of that have not slept at all tonight nor the night before because she is the room above mine and she cannot walk;she stomps heavy footedly more than self.
>loud creaky bed...stomp stomp stomp-ceiling creaking like its going to fall through...drawer slam open,drawer slam shut....stomp stomp stomp...noisy bedroom door open;noisy bedroom door slam very loudly shut...stomps down stairs,bangs all the doors, changes anything anyone has put how they want it,stomps back up all the doors banging...drawers slamming open then slamming shut,throws her body into creaking bed....repeat this entire sequence over and over from night time till day light.

am fucking wrecked, and at lunch time the sis and nieces and mum are coming for a visit.....uuugghhhh...going to see if can stay at theirs for a bit of sleep today.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

got some time to spare? help learning disability research

on a learning disability forum am on,a fellow user who is in her final year [?] on her pyschology masters degree and she is currently doing very interesting research into learning disability via the use of a survey.
this part of her research is focusing on peoples perception/understanding of learning disabled people and pretty much everyone with an ASD and/or learning disability or SpLD will have been misunderstood,wrongly treated,prejudged perhaps abused and neglected throughout their life because of other peoples perceptions of them and their disabilities so it makes for very interesting research and have asked kara if it woud be ok to post the survey here to help her and she has agreed,she will also give the results of her research to.
any group can take part in the survey ,whether learning disabled,have a learning disabled child or none of those.
have also added a strike through on the email addresses to make sure spam bots dont pick them up.

this is the intro for her survey:
I am a fourth year BSc Psychology Undergraduate student at Glasgow Caledonian University and I am conducting a study to fulfill the requirements of my empirical project module. The purpose of this study is to investigate differences in people’s perceptions of learning disabilities. The study is particularly interested at whether familiarity, education and level of severity of the disability can affect adult’s perceptions of learning disabilities. I am looking for participants to take part in my study who are 18 or over and of any background regarding the level of experience with learning disabilities and level of education. If you are willing to participate, this will involve completing a short survey which will take no longer than 20 minutes. Further information about the study is provided by clicking on the following link below or contact me on When completing the survey you will not be required give your name or any personal details and your answers will be treated confidentially and anonymously. Also, if you decide to take part you are still free to not answer all the questions and withdraw at any time by closing the webpage.
My supervisor is Dr Josie Williams and she may be contacted if you have any questions or queries by
Thank you for your time reading this, I hope you will be able to help!

link again:
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Sunday, 2 December 2012

new medication and mental health woes

had a visit from the ld services pyschiatrist last week,he is adding on another cymbalta pill but says he wont add any more circadin [the only form of melatonin licenced in the UK and only for certain groups; over fifties due to melatonin getting less and autistics/learning disabled due to our lifelong lack of melatonin] -am on tew mg of circadin and he said because the doseage originaly worked adding more wont do any good,he said need to take a break from the circadin for a month and then restart because body has got used to it,however one of the teenagers who used to live here was on a shit ton of melatonin,they just added another everytime his body got used to it.

staff said circadin is probably a stronger strength to normal melatonin,havent got a clue dont understand the scientific stuff about it on the wikiepedia-anyone else know if its exactly the same as over the counter melatonin,or stronger?

from tomorow am starting on the extra cymbalta and starting the month break from circadin.

however the pysch still has never understood the pyschosis which varies all over the place in severity and awareness,he kept saying it was due to level of autism and lacking understanding and communication to say whats going on and the pyschosis symptoms was the minds way of getting it out,however em dont think its fair that have had to live for several years[?] now in fear of cameras in the walls and ceiling,believing staff and family are not who they say they are and are here to harm em,seeing gigantic spiders fall on self and feeling the crawling all over skin,and when very severe had no aware of the pyschosis being pyschosis at all;it was reality to self,was attacking support staff,barricading self inside room,trying to smash way out of the building etc,nearly ended up sectioned.

it really isnt fair that because am under the legal authority of others and in residential care am not able to be prescribed medication in the same way someone who was not autistic and learning/intelectualy disabled and lived in the community woud have been given medication to help their pyschosis,people who live in the community and are high functioning do not have every mental health issue of theirs turned into an expression of their communication difficulties and thus pointless to medicate.

it also doesnt help that the previous manager here,who was sacked for fucking money of mine up for over a year [am still in debt as they never managed to get them wrote off] was an absolute arsehole when it came to understanding the mental health issues of mine because he had a pyschology degree and said he was a pyschologist, he woud say things like am not suicidal because he has known many suicidal people and they do this/dont do that,he assumed pyschosis is always at the same severity and we never have awareness, if it wasnt for world mental health day last year [or year before?] and sister promoting her counsiling up at a world mental health day dropin near our end she woud never have called around and found em catatonic with severe major depressive disorder and pyschosis,had actualy had a gp appointment made many times but this manager woud cancel it every time so he coud do something non urgent for other service users because em require two to one support for appointment stuff.

sister forced them to rebook it that day and was diagnosed but had already stolen a load of tablets and was going to take them because was in so much head pain was at point ,when we got back the manager looked at sister,she told him what had been diagnosed with,gave him the medications and walked off without saying one word,the nobhead didnt like being wrong.

because that manager was in authority of em,and because he was deluded to believe he was a pyschologist with a pyschology degree-he gave the pyschiatrist his opinion disguised as the reality of mine,what symptoms em had etc,no notes of mine have ever included anything about the pyschosis because he believed em had watched a tv program with spiderss in and that that had caused halucinations,he said people who hate spiders often think theyre seeing them; only thing is em love spiders.

this is where the problem lies,all pysch notes of mine given by that manager feature only his opinion and nothing about pyschosis as he didnt believe it,so the pyschiatrist said that none of the notes suggest its pyschosis on friday,the manager had even told him em looked it up on wikipedia and diagnosed self with it and the pysch mentioned it-am diagnosed with it by a doctor and woud never self diagnose.

am sorry for making such a long post,but does anyone out there know how em woud be able to get help with the pyschosis?

the gp had seen who originaly diagnosed it had specialised in MH stuff but was unable to prescribe any medications for it until getting the word off the pyschiatrist.

apart from key worker who is the only person who has been supportive with this,they always assume just because em dont tell them have had halucinations or have not made it clear to others am seeing cameras or thinking theyre people sent to harm em-that am not having the symptoms,but when em did have the awareness to tell them, they woud shrug it off and it makes it feel like they think its not happening or they dont care.

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support staff troubles

a very nice scouse support staff/keyworker of mine who is suffering from pregnancy dementia at the moment was trying to ask another support staff; who doesnt like doing stuff or going outdoors- if he woud make em porridge so we can go and give it to the chickens [and of course tuck the darlings in bed for the night].

unfortunately due to pregnancy dementia,the staff fucked it up a bit and said 'porridge,please can go make emma some [namecensoredtoavoidbeingdraggedintheoffice] for the chickens'.

aparently he finds it very offensive to be called porridge and didnt speak to her very nicely,so am pleased to say he has had his name changed to porridge now and this person will be forever known as porridge.

he was a tosser this evening,he made em feel like a burden on support staff because had to go and feed the chickens and make sure their beds were clean and they had water.

he said it isnt fair on staff because they have to go outdoors as well when am out feeding the chickies,he said the chickens dont need cleaning or hugging and kissing,showed him what had wrote-

'am terribly sorry for being born disabled and requiring support staff,this is ems life and they are pets of mine which em only get to see once a day and they need looking after',

he went up stairs and asked a pregnant staff to come outside with em instead,was glad anyway because get on really well with her.

some people are just hypocrites,they say that em need to try and come to them for help more but when actualy do they throw a fuckin paddy about how unfair it is on their life to have to help em,why do they even bother becoming support staff if they only want to do the good bits. it is very easy to see the difference between those who become support staff because its a job,and those who become a support staff because its in their nature to care!

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farewell to an old friend

one of the days this week,possibly thursday,had done something unimaginable.
for many years,parents,sister,support staff and random people have been going on about the very long fringe that was at the sides of eyes,it went lower than head and due to its ginger properties it was far to thick.

as a young child,had realised the fringe was able to block the pain and panic from the eyes of beings or pictures/posters so it acted like blinkers on a horse,and from then on it became a permenent fixture,woud never ever allow anyone to touch them,they were a part of self. at the same time,they caused acute sensory issues and was constantly scratching skin off because the hair was always flying about rubbing skin,it also affects the use of padded helmets am not able to wear them full time because of the sensory issues of the fringe making skin feel horrible.

so this week,had came to the decision to get them clipped off,and clipped off they were-am now a skin head as support staff had to go over the rest of head with the clippers because she said it wasnt at the same level as where the fringe was.

the pyschiatrist visited that day because of the mental health worsening and from questions he was asking its clear he thought had done a 'britney spears'. am now free from an almost lifetime of this routine,and am now able to wear padded helmets full time without having to take them off for sensory issues.

this was em and one of the cochin chucks yesterday [friday] before coming to mums-

and this is what hair looked like last night [with boomer added in for good measure]-

mum was back on the drink when came to stay on friday and she predictibly went crazy about it-even though for many years she has being trying to cut them off! she hates short hair and thinks she can control other peoples hair, personaly speaking do not give a damn about the actual hair have not got any value or hold on mine like so many non autistic people [especialy females it seems] do,hair is only there to give people warmth,its crazy that people- including the bro in law spends a lot of money on getting their hair slightly made differently when the damn thing will grow out of it soon anyway.

and why do people flip their shit about hair,especialy if its gone to short like mine or someones hair cut gone wrong, hair grows back quick enough unless have got a balding problem,people need to stop giving a shit what others think of them.

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