in the past several months,it really hasnt been easy.....in no order due to shitty memory-an overdose which landed self in a noisy hospital and affected mum a lot....a week in agony;in hospital with undiagnosed severe crohns disease that was strongly suspected by a doctor [still needing to go to outpatients to get it confirmed]-in that same week,despite already being on a withdrawal plan that had been decided by the gp and pysch of mine;without any form of medication or support was completely removed from all forms of codeine that was used to control the overflow pain of trigeminal neuralgia,cluster headaches and sensory overload and the lifelong daily head banging.
and then there was the acute withdrawal symptoms that woud not wish on worst enemy,plus the status and unretractable epileptic seizures that were no doubt caused by stress from being met head on by complete codeine withdrawal-not just the fact am medicaly dependant on them but also the autistic side of it to,no consultants agreed with it and thought it was ridiculous but they woudnt override it because it was a fellow staff of theirs and am under the mental capacity act AKA of limited mental capacity and require best interest decisions.
PLUS....the severe challenging behavior that landed em in hospital under one of the mental health acts,PLUS the destroyal of one room in our residential centre-waking up from a severe headbanging and seizure session;surrounded by devastation and ten police officers,two support staff,a paramedic team and no partridge in a pear tree.
PLUS the constant acute state of severe anxiety and unstable pyschosis am now living in,as a result of all these changes and unpredictibility.
PLUS everyone here,the learning disability team and the safe guarding team saying am not allowed to stay at mums and dads anymore;a routine have had every single weekend for the past decade since being moved out of their home.
the challenging behavior hospitalization ended in several options- a mental health unit, a acute high security unit for learning disability, and the learning disability institution that used to live in as aparently it had been reopened as a respite unit.
they had said after considering all circumstances the acute LD unit was best but it was also quite far away from anyone in family for them to visit on public transport,the other option was to give two day staff and two waking night staff just for em,plus diazepam and zopiclone to help with settling back in.
unfortunately the zopiclone sedative is long gone and the diazepam is already being reduced which is making the anxiety flare wildly and no doubt is behind the voices and pyschosis bollox.
it was the best decision but am very very bothered about having any incidents that result in the possibility of being moved from here permenently because am already feeling on high alert from all the unpredictibility and dont need to be given that higher level of unpredictibility nor the pressure to avoid doing behaviors and hearing voices am not in control of by people who am not understood by well.
it feels like am being hated really badly for hurting other residents,even though have not actualy hurt any residents-was actualy hurt more by them than the other way around,its just people believe what they want to believe.
will never forgive self for hurting staff and dont need fucking reminding because own brain does that every day!
am so fed up of being made to feel like any behavior and incident of mine may be what causes a transfer to a new residential home when there has been residents with profound autism with profoundly challenging behavior who have totaly trashed whole buildings and sent many a individual to hospital who never got moved until many years later when OFSTED get involved,to self it feels like am being singled out.
was also told if do not clean out the chickens coop every day they are going to be moved to the farm [where they do not get looked after] absolute blackmail,had ended up cutting self after hearing this today and the rest of what have written, they know the sort of unstable motivation lacking state am in and need a lot of support at the moment and using this as an excuse to remove the animals that have never liked and never hidden bias from is really low,it hurts self to feel someone is wanting to remove the best friends of mine,to self its exactly on the same level as them saying theyre going to get rid of parents.
am fed up of fucking life.just what is the fucking point.
1 comment:
They said they will let you keep the chickens if you clean the coop. The chickens would be bewildered if they were moved too. Those chickens need you-clean the coop and save your friends & the life you have together.
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