social worker visit

social worker came today.
am not very good with social worker visits,as in the past [before living here] head had attached the visit with being told am being moved to a new home everytime.
it also attached social workers to being refused needed funding-whether that was an extra days funding for NAS support when was back living at home with parents temperarily, or getting the sound proofing installed in bedroom here...head has just not built a good picture of social workers even though they are mostly nice people,and do just want to help others.

today,it was building and building,coud not cope with not knowing what social worker was going to say,so ended up head banging on the hand rail of own toilet,had cut self earlier because of it but that piece of metal had been removed,dont know why exactly had been head banging [whether was trying to communicate whatever,get pressure,
distract etc], but am also known to do it to knock self out to avoid a very bad situation,KO didnt happen but ended up with a bruised swolen and bloody head.

was communicating via text [coudnt be bothered with TTS,just used notepad] thankfully social worker was very nice,and calmed head down,but the meeting was affecting self alot,kept expecting someone to say cant have that,dont need it etc as its what had always experienced before.

social worker has to be the main view with anything health related or stuff that costs alot,so there was a few things on the list that have been after for years [well most of them].

-one was a wheelchair,for when paralysed from waist down through seizures and meltdowns.
-one was the crelling harness,to use in the cars/minibus,as am not able to use a seatbelt fully due to sensory reasons and need restraining into one place incase of meltdowns,seizures,tics etc.
-one was a padded safe cabin from ROMPA,cant even remember what its called exactly,but it near the back of the ROMPA catelogue,its orange in that [want pale blue], it has those sensory star lights built into the roof of it,staff always say its expensive so it had to be asked for.

not sure if there was anything else,he is going to start assessment for them all by OT.

found it very difficult,as head had gone completely blank as it always does in meetings,and was being asked about why was still not eating,or having washes with cloth and not baby wipes-it felt like was being forced into doing things that am really not ready for,not good felt very bad.

was worn out at the end of it,but ticcing very strongly,tried to hold them in as much as possible as they hurt ears [the shouting ones] and can look like bad behavior [punching/kicking ones].

everyone including social worker has tried to get a visit to a and e or doctor at the least today,because of the head injury,but didnt see how it was different to any other time,and am not putting self through a doctor visit for something thatll be gone in a bit [concussion again].

earlier today as well,was made to feel like was restricting the others from being able to go on the beach day out again,and how shoud make self go as its not fair on them,am really fed up of this-why is it people
can not understand why am refusing to go into a tight,shut off space with someone else who screams,which can happen randomly?
why is it ok,if am left getting fucked up all the way over thinking when the screaming is going to happen,smashing head off the minibus,having a seizure and losing use of legs so woudnt be able to do anything but stay in the mini bus thinking about bad things,just so the other service user/resident can go?
why shoud anyone put themselves through that for someone else to have fun?
dont care if it is seen as selfish anymore,but am able to fuck self up enough on own without anyone else helping.

as soon as she gave up trying to encourage to go,she said something long on why hes still going to go anyway with the other resident,as if am doing this to control other people.

then was told by someone else have got selective hearing though not in a bad way [whatever that means],really wish people woud understand that just because a sound can affect more on one day than another,it doesnt mean its selective hearing.
when noises build up without the overload given time to recover,it means am more sensitive to noises,and can include ones woudnt usually be sensitive to.
the seizures also affect the noise,as they are suposed tobe affecting the part of the brain that controls sensory understanding.
not only that,when tinnitus is going,it affects noise tolerance to.
wish people woud understand better,instead of thinking its selective,this always brings back bad memories of a past where was treated like shit for having what they called selective hearing.