the other day,had spent a lot of time just browsing firefox add ons and found some which have really helped with issues such as understanding language, and removing comments which have 'retard' written in them because am not in the best mental state to cope with it right now.
had originaly been looking for a addon which coud change language to symbols-in the same way the company widgit once did with a now discontinued browser of theirs but it seems no one has made one as yet.
anyway,incase anyone else hasnt seen these before and woud benefit from them-
comment snob: http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/comment-snob/
this addon allows people to censor any words they want,if are not a fan of seeing learning disability slurs like retard constantly then its a good one to add.
kitadic: http://kita.springnote.com/pages/33913
kitadic is amazing,am able to put the mouse over a word hold ctrl and left click it gives an easy read definition of what the word means.
flashblock: http://flashblock.mozdev.org/
left sensory/information overloaded by flash videos that automaticaly load? photosensitive epileptic? install flashblock,it stops any videos from loading including any flash ads and requires one click in the middle of it to load it,very useful.
interclue: https://addons.mozilla.org/en-us/firefox/addon/interclue/
to trusting of links? assume people are being truthful? this addon is very helpful it gives a screenshot of the site behind each link when hovering over the link as well as information about it.
quicknote: http://quicknote.mozdev.org/
shit short term memory? quick note does the job for when anything pops up in head that needs writing down, it has a little icon at the top of the browser so it is easily accessed.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
some changes to the blog
just posting to say have now changed the comments so that they do not need to go through moderation,this hasnt stopped the spam so have now changed it to being fully open but requiring CAPTCHA,am assuming spam bots cant do CAPTCHA.
if anyone who wants to comment but struggles to use CAPTCHA ,please let know and will change the settings again.
also,one other point, if anyone struggles to read the blog due to any colours; or font sizes,please post what sort of colours/font size etc that find useable,want to make sure this blog is accessible as possible to everyone.
if anyone who wants to comment but struggles to use CAPTCHA ,please let know and will change the settings again.
also,one other point, if anyone struggles to read the blog due to any colours; or font sizes,please post what sort of colours/font size etc that find useable,want to make sure this blog is accessible as possible to everyone.
Monday, 26 November 2012
standing up to a bully
one of the lads am living with is a bully,he bullys the profoundly autistic lad and the profoundly autistic lady because they have very limited communication and dont know how to defend themselves.
because am not the type to watch bullying of those closest to self [having an alcoholic parent and lifelong severe bullying does that to a person],will step in and protect them however he is very sneaky and waits for the moment no one is in the room with them.
its awful on the staff because they have to be around him constantly to make sure he isnt bullying anyone,they have to get out of bed in the morning when its still dark as he gets up early and goes into the lads room to attack him purely because no one is up giving him attention and doing this gets staff up.
it is very wrong that a bully is allowed to stay in a residential home; especialy when there are people who cannot even fight back,and everyone knows this;theyre trying to get him moved to a place of his own.
the other point had started this for,am bullied by him to,no one likes to admit it though because they dont realise how damaging it is to self-it isnt physical or abuse; though have been sexualy abused by him several times before.
he knows am sent into severe information and sensory overload if he stands there in face shouting something over and over and over and over and over...its been so bad some times it has triggered seizures,am sent into shutdown mode from it and suffering from post overload symptoms when waking up.
he uses this as a way to bully and he will constantly do it through the day so am never coming out of bedroom if he is staying here or will only come out when he has gone, he thinks by doing what he does,am asleep and the attention then goes onto him but most staff will make him go and sit on his own if he does that.
today,had only just come out of bedroom for the first time and he started his shouting,he was staring directly while he did it;ended up punching him in the face and some fierce vocal noise came out of nowhere- it worked because he no longer does it...for now.
am more fucked off by the fact some staff [not manager,in case she is reading this and gets wrong idea] let him do it and when em react theyre babying him and making em the bad guy in this.
am not going to be anyones victim and if that means sticking up for self am going to do it.
one other thing to make,have started doing blog posts with an awesome blog client called blogilo,was never able to get it working ages ago but have found out how to set it up and now its working,dont know how to stop it makeing big spaces between sentances though,will have to work that one out,woud recommend having a look at blogilo,think its on windows to but am not sure,its for the KDE desktop environment but works with others to,installed KDE netbook version on mine at the weekend which is pretty awesome,doesnt look as nice but wasnt able to install full kde for some silly reason,this isnt a damn netbook but looks like one,will have to give full kde a go;with the plasma effect and everything.
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if staff attention is not on him constantly and he has the chance he twists the lads ear until it bleeds because he starts shouting which gets staff to come in and sit with him.
he hits the lady if he isnt getting his own way,he will throw food at them to and generaly takes advantage of them alot.because am not the type to watch bullying of those closest to self [having an alcoholic parent and lifelong severe bullying does that to a person],will step in and protect them however he is very sneaky and waits for the moment no one is in the room with them.
its awful on the staff because they have to be around him constantly to make sure he isnt bullying anyone,they have to get out of bed in the morning when its still dark as he gets up early and goes into the lads room to attack him purely because no one is up giving him attention and doing this gets staff up.
it is very wrong that a bully is allowed to stay in a residential home; especialy when there are people who cannot even fight back,and everyone knows this;theyre trying to get him moved to a place of his own.
the other point had started this for,am bullied by him to,no one likes to admit it though because they dont realise how damaging it is to self-it isnt physical or abuse; though have been sexualy abused by him several times before.
he knows am sent into severe information and sensory overload if he stands there in face shouting something over and over and over and over and over...its been so bad some times it has triggered seizures,am sent into shutdown mode from it and suffering from post overload symptoms when waking up.
he uses this as a way to bully and he will constantly do it through the day so am never coming out of bedroom if he is staying here or will only come out when he has gone, he thinks by doing what he does,am asleep and the attention then goes onto him but most staff will make him go and sit on his own if he does that.
today,had only just come out of bedroom for the first time and he started his shouting,he was staring directly while he did it;ended up punching him in the face and some fierce vocal noise came out of nowhere- it worked because he no longer does it...for now.
am more fucked off by the fact some staff [not manager,in case she is reading this and gets wrong idea] let him do it and when em react theyre babying him and making em the bad guy in this.
am not going to be anyones victim and if that means sticking up for self am going to do it.
one other thing to make,have started doing blog posts with an awesome blog client called blogilo,was never able to get it working ages ago but have found out how to set it up and now its working,dont know how to stop it makeing big spaces between sentances though,will have to work that one out,woud recommend having a look at blogilo,think its on windows to but am not sure,its for the KDE desktop environment but works with others to,installed KDE netbook version on mine at the weekend which is pretty awesome,doesnt look as nice but wasnt able to install full kde for some silly reason,this isnt a damn netbook but looks like one,will have to give full kde a go;with the plasma effect and everything.
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marriage will be next
biscuit likes to whore herself out a lot to any passing tom cat but if a tom tries to get close to her she screams and causes a lot of drama.
anyway there was one night recently,when had sneaked in the room and found biscuit and boomer cuddling up together,quickly got dads camera out to get a photo as no one woud have believed it.
it is thought boomer had managed to creep his way in quietly as biscuit woudnt have allowed that if she was awake.
here they are caught in the act-
anyway there was one night recently,when had sneaked in the room and found biscuit and boomer cuddling up together,quickly got dads camera out to get a photo as no one woud have believed it.
it is thought boomer had managed to creep his way in quietly as biscuit woudnt have allowed that if she was awake.
here they are caught in the act-
Sunday, 25 November 2012
special olympics club
am finaly a fully fledged special olympics athelete.
staff cant remember which club it is we are going to without looking because we have quite a few around us,but am assuming its cheshire east.
found out that the majority of this clubs current members are wheelchair and power chair users but they are always looking for able bodied atheletes.
we wont get to start until january though as they have introduction training at several points throughout the year.
will be going with one other service user,it costs money but am going to be making sacrifices to pay for that as it gives something to work towards,plus hopefuly lose weight because am a fat bastard and wont ever be going near horses without losing it first.
its took long enough to join,the owner of the other cheshire club we were signing up for went on annual leave then holiday and never got back,only found out coming back from mums today that the other club had contacted.
staff cant remember which club it is we are going to without looking because we have quite a few around us,but am assuming its cheshire east.
found out that the majority of this clubs current members are wheelchair and power chair users but they are always looking for able bodied atheletes.
we wont get to start until january though as they have introduction training at several points throughout the year.
will be going with one other service user,it costs money but am going to be making sacrifices to pay for that as it gives something to work towards,plus hopefuly lose weight because am a fat bastard and wont ever be going near horses without losing it first.
its took long enough to join,the owner of the other cheshire club we were signing up for went on annual leave then holiday and never got back,only found out coming back from mums today that the other club had contacted.
Friday, 16 November 2012
depression
this is one thing that dont talk about often but am severely clinicaly depressed with added pyschosis ontop,and unfortunately within the past few weeks at the least the cymbalta has stopped working...mostly.
the depression had been triggered by the severe online bullying had recieved from a particular individual with borderline PD and pyschopathic narcissism if am correct in remembering his original un bullshitted diagnosis list.
the doctor said the pyschosis was due to the depression having been left untreated for so long,the autism has a huge impact on how em experiences it and how its recognised by others.
this week has been the worst,had stolen as many prescription codeine tablets as coud sneak out whilst being brught back home,and necked them all later on.
the week before had also done the same at home making sure no one knew; though they all were having a go because was wanting to go to bed instead of stay up with the nieces of mine,and they also said eyes were badly swollen,luckily they didnt find out.
am desperate to go away.
the overdose this week was unfortunatelty found out as apparently was found out of it on the bed and they had searched trousers and found the empty pack.
they got paramedics out,and the manager came in with one staff to sit with em through this,they did tests and stuff here, but said had to go hospital and that was not going to happen whether under staff or police restraint.
so was not allowed any painkillers from then on because of the amount in system and was also not allowed to take all of the normal tabelts am on in the morning until the doctor phoned up and said it was ok.
they then did a blood test here,havent got a clue what for.
the pyschosis is very bad to plus have got obsessive thoughts which are immoral and violent,the ld pysch of mine thinks the pyschosis side of it is autism related; he thinks because am not able to communicate it; the brain is communicating in another way by halucinations and delusional thoughts,
he has seen many autistic clients whom are doped up to the eye balls on anti pyschotics because theyre in unsafe and unpredictible settings-instead of changing the reasons behind their lack of safety and unpredictibility.
-its why have never been prescribed anti pyschotics as he has put behavioral plans in place instead but the pyschosis has never changed,am just not passing it on to people as much.
had to cancel visit from sister and the nieces this week,despite the fact see them every wensday and also recieve a can of relentless/other cheapo redbull style drinks care of mum and dad which probably says how desperate am being at the moment.
the depression had been triggered by the severe online bullying had recieved from a particular individual with borderline PD and pyschopathic narcissism if am correct in remembering his original un bullshitted diagnosis list.
the doctor said the pyschosis was due to the depression having been left untreated for so long,the autism has a huge impact on how em experiences it and how its recognised by others.
this week has been the worst,had stolen as many prescription codeine tablets as coud sneak out whilst being brught back home,and necked them all later on.
the week before had also done the same at home making sure no one knew; though they all were having a go because was wanting to go to bed instead of stay up with the nieces of mine,and they also said eyes were badly swollen,luckily they didnt find out.
am desperate to go away.
the overdose this week was unfortunatelty found out as apparently was found out of it on the bed and they had searched trousers and found the empty pack.
they got paramedics out,and the manager came in with one staff to sit with em through this,they did tests and stuff here, but said had to go hospital and that was not going to happen whether under staff or police restraint.
so was not allowed any painkillers from then on because of the amount in system and was also not allowed to take all of the normal tabelts am on in the morning until the doctor phoned up and said it was ok.
they then did a blood test here,havent got a clue what for.
the pyschosis is very bad to plus have got obsessive thoughts which are immoral and violent,the ld pysch of mine thinks the pyschosis side of it is autism related; he thinks because am not able to communicate it; the brain is communicating in another way by halucinations and delusional thoughts,
he has seen many autistic clients whom are doped up to the eye balls on anti pyschotics because theyre in unsafe and unpredictible settings-instead of changing the reasons behind their lack of safety and unpredictibility.
-its why have never been prescribed anti pyschotics as he has put behavioral plans in place instead but the pyschosis has never changed,am just not passing it on to people as much.
had to cancel visit from sister and the nieces this week,despite the fact see them every wensday and also recieve a can of relentless/other cheapo redbull style drinks care of mum and dad which probably says how desperate am being at the moment.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
eggstra proud
one of the hens; lorna or temple laid their very first egg today; its the bar mitsva of chickenhood,one proud mum here.
tomorow [wendsday] isnt going to be good,am having to rehouse kanner and henny at the farm tomorow,fuck knows how we are going to sit an agressive cockrel on knee and a dementiad old hen who doesnt like other chickens whatsoever.
plus...we are taking hennys coop to,jaysus that thing wont fit in our minibus.
going to miss them both a lot even though will still see them sometimes, kanner was very calm tonight he enjoyed being held and walking around with him for the first time,dont know if he knows whats going on.
its one of the rareist sights to see a fully formed normaly shaped clean egg like that from a chicken that has just started laying,the girls must be pros at this shit.
am going to use a needle to drain the egg,and use some sort of varnish to harden the egg shell;to keep it as a trophy sort of thing.
and staff are going to use the egg that comes out for scrambled egg for temple and lorna to eat [scrambled egg is a good boost for them].
tomorow [wendsday] isnt going to be good,am having to rehouse kanner and henny at the farm tomorow,fuck knows how we are going to sit an agressive cockrel on knee and a dementiad old hen who doesnt like other chickens whatsoever.
plus...we are taking hennys coop to,jaysus that thing wont fit in our minibus.
going to miss them both a lot even though will still see them sometimes, kanner was very calm tonight he enjoyed being held and walking around with him for the first time,dont know if he knows whats going on.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
fighting over the opposite gender-its a man thing
it was the white fella,AKA tito [named after the originaly profoundly autistic tito mukhopadhyay] ,in this shot:
kanner [named after leo kanner],or mr nipper as he is afectionatly known- imagine tourettes but with nipping that tears bits of flesh out and bleeds or creates deep bruises that dont go away for many many weeks-kanner does that to people on maximum,he has done it since he was about a week old.
poor tito had his face shredded at some point last night whilst he was inside the coop,as soon as got back from mums this afternooon had noticed titos feathered covered in dried blood and was told what had happened.
luckily he doesnt need vet or OTC treatment at this stage.
am told by one of the managers who was stood in the fag area having his fag break that special needs chuck; lorna [named after lorna wing]:
am sending kanner to the farm as it will give tito the hens; lorna [named after lorna wing] and temple [have a guess who she was named after] to look after without having to compete.
and kanner will be a very lucky cockrel with a huge run and a coop with one duck and a load of poor hens for him tojump on and molest lovingly protect and look after.
VS
kanner [named after leo kanner],or mr nipper as he is afectionatly known- imagine tourettes but with nipping that tears bits of flesh out and bleeds or creates deep bruises that dont go away for many many weeks-kanner does that to people on maximum,he has done it since he was about a week old.
poor tito had his face shredded at some point last night whilst he was inside the coop,as soon as got back from mums this afternooon had noticed titos feathered covered in dried blood and was told what had happened.
luckily he doesnt need vet or OTC treatment at this stage.
am told by one of the managers who was stood in the fag area having his fag break that special needs chuck; lorna [named after lorna wing]:
was helping tito gently clean the blood off his face and body.
am sending kanner to the farm as it will give tito the hens; lorna [named after lorna wing] and temple [have a guess who she was named after] to look after without having to compete.
and kanner will be a very lucky cockrel with a huge run and a coop with one duck and a load of poor hens for him to
Saturday, 10 November 2012
the hazards of echolalia and being around mum
when brain decides to turn off non verbalism for part of each day,am purely echolalic and palilalic, anyones speech has been picked up but mums for some reason was always the worst for it.
unfortunately mum swears constantly and uses weird sayings all the time,the self and sister used to have a game called 'gobshite bingo' named after a favourite old swear word of mums-we had turned her overuse of sayings and swearing into a game,neither of us wun but it was funny.
tonight,she was outside the room trying to put trousers on and for some reason coudnt get them on,and besides boomer snoring and biscuit mewing in her sleep,there was loud grunting noises and..........
'YEE SILLY FUCKIN SAUSAGE!!!!!'.
this is a ridiculous favourite of hers,and besides the fact am hoping she wasnt trying to stuff chipolatas/cumberlands down her pants, 'silly sausage' has been stuck in echolalia tonight,much to the fucked off ranting of a now totaly drunk mother [she hasnt touched the stuff for free months until the funeral this week,now she is necking the cheapest shitty gin from the bottle which makes her really agressive].
there was one time we were all in the lake district,near yorkshire and think it was at the edge of connisten lake? mum was ranting away with her sayings because of something or other and she called someone a 'silly sausage'.
in what sounds unbelievable; a yacht was driving? yachting? [whatever they call that stuff,havent got a clue]into the yacht parking bays with 'the silly sausage' painted on it.
had had a camera atthe time and took a photo of it but unfortunately have not been able to get hold of it, it was a sony cybershot which had been long smashed.
tesco value gin,dont do it kids!
unfortunately mum swears constantly and uses weird sayings all the time,the self and sister used to have a game called 'gobshite bingo' named after a favourite old swear word of mums-we had turned her overuse of sayings and swearing into a game,neither of us wun but it was funny.
tonight,she was outside the room trying to put trousers on and for some reason coudnt get them on,and besides boomer snoring and biscuit mewing in her sleep,there was loud grunting noises and..........
'YEE SILLY FUCKIN SAUSAGE!!!!!'.
this is a ridiculous favourite of hers,and besides the fact am hoping she wasnt trying to stuff chipolatas/cumberlands down her pants, 'silly sausage' has been stuck in echolalia tonight,much to the fucked off ranting of a now totaly drunk mother [she hasnt touched the stuff for free months until the funeral this week,now she is necking the cheapest shitty gin from the bottle which makes her really agressive].
there was one time we were all in the lake district,near yorkshire and think it was at the edge of connisten lake? mum was ranting away with her sayings because of something or other and she called someone a 'silly sausage'.
in what sounds unbelievable; a yacht was driving? yachting? [whatever they call that stuff,havent got a clue]into the yacht parking bays with 'the silly sausage' painted on it.
had had a camera atthe time and took a photo of it but unfortunately have not been able to get hold of it, it was a sony cybershot which had been long smashed.
tesco value gin,dont do it kids!
Friday, 9 November 2012
seeing as many people see cats as their babies
well mine is wrapped up in the nieces baby blanket right now and her mammy is going to be giving out a bolloking when she finds out,will have to make sure to remind her she is a cat mother first and a human mother next- as all crazy cat ladies/men know,she seems to have furr-gotten that.
have been at mums since wensday because of the fact did not get to come at the weekend due to the funeral,its allso an excuse because dad recently upgraded his internet to virgins highest speed.
photo of biscuit currently snoring,stretching,mewing and wimpering next to em under the offending article-
its still dark & at some point in the morning or night right now so am on the laptop next to biscuit in bed.
there is space for another cat in there if anyone is wanting to throw theirs out of the house for pestering.
have been at mums since wensday because of the fact did not get to come at the weekend due to the funeral,its allso an excuse because dad recently upgraded his internet to virgins highest speed.
photo of biscuit currently snoring,stretching,mewing and wimpering next to em under the offending article-
there is space for another cat in there if anyone is wanting to throw theirs out of the house for pestering.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
turning comments back on
just a note to say am turning comments back on and am sorry for leaving it off for so long.
people probably know why had done it ,well that had a major effect on being able to trust and know who was speaking to.
am hoping people didnt feel offended for having comments turned off as never meant to offend or quieten people,but the pyschosis that was going through [and still am in varying levels] made so paranoid that itd be somone else trying to worm their way in and destroy em again.
[EDITED]
have just turned comments back on now,one thing that thought was quite unsusual though,in the settings TRA had been tickd as an adult site,cant remember if had misunderstood the term or not but that means TRA has been limiting itself in searches for so long due to people thinking its a redtube site-its no wonder all the support staff of mine find it,cause theyre looking for bloody redtube and the like. :P
[EDITED AGAIN,SORRY]
damn,cant seem to get comments working on it tonight,will givre it a go tomorow when am not on night meds.
people probably know why had done it ,well that had a major effect on being able to trust and know who was speaking to.
am hoping people didnt feel offended for having comments turned off as never meant to offend or quieten people,but the pyschosis that was going through [and still am in varying levels] made so paranoid that itd be somone else trying to worm their way in and destroy em again.
[EDITED]
have just turned comments back on now,one thing that thought was quite unsusual though,in the settings TRA had been tickd as an adult site,cant remember if had misunderstood the term or not but that means TRA has been limiting itself in searches for so long due to people thinking its a redtube site-its no wonder all the support staff of mine find it,cause theyre looking for bloody redtube and the like. :P
[EDITED AGAIN,SORRY]
damn,cant seem to get comments working on it tonight,will givre it a go tomorow when am not on night meds.
any disability bloggers reading this?
in the past week,have finaly caught up with everyone on blogger despite running TRA for years.
had never realised how to find the other blogs because there is no simple search nor understood how to modify this blog better.
although had originaly found some through other peoples favourite blog lists; it seemed to be the same old blogs-often from people who were long suspected of not being who they say they are or having what they say which makes it very difficult to read what people write.
anyway,so now have graduated the school of blog,am wondering if anyone wants their blog added to the list? woud like to find ones not just to add but also to read because so many are abandoned,please comment [once have turned that back on obviously,will not be able to comment without the function-thatd be like internet schizophrenia.].
cannot believe how many people have either left blogging or have turned their blogs on private,whats this about? please inform this very uninformed person thanks. :P
had never realised how to find the other blogs because there is no simple search nor understood how to modify this blog better.
although had originaly found some through other peoples favourite blog lists; it seemed to be the same old blogs-often from people who were long suspected of not being who they say they are or having what they say which makes it very difficult to read what people write.
anyway,so now have graduated the school of blog,am wondering if anyone wants their blog added to the list? woud like to find ones not just to add but also to read because so many are abandoned,please comment [once have turned that back on obviously,will not be able to comment without the function-thatd be like internet schizophrenia.].
cannot believe how many people have either left blogging or have turned their blogs on private,whats this about? please inform this very uninformed person thanks. :P
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
painting a disabled serial killer
painted a picture with a theme to make people think the other day.
serial killers with developmental or intelectual disabilities.
one stuck out because liked his hair,painted it using some posh reeves water colour paints that sister had gave,was first time have ever used water colours as prefer acrylic paint but al ot of people like this one.
the autism and intelectual/learning disability have a profound effect on art of mine-in good ways and bad,woud do a lot more pictures if there wasnt so much effort and energy that goes into them,em had to be helped to choose skin colour because am blind to peoples physical individualities.
also had to make his eyes closed because of eye diffiulties,and also not able to draw using one hand;it has to be hand over hand to guide.
am not able to write so staff have wrote his name on it,the guy is called eddie lee mosley,his intelectual disability is genuine,here is story on him-
http://www.crimezzz.net/serialkillers/M/MOSLEY_eddie_lee.php
anyway here is pic-
serial killers with developmental or intelectual disabilities.
one stuck out because liked his hair,painted it using some posh reeves water colour paints that sister had gave,was first time have ever used water colours as prefer acrylic paint but al ot of people like this one.
the autism and intelectual/learning disability have a profound effect on art of mine-in good ways and bad,woud do a lot more pictures if there wasnt so much effort and energy that goes into them,em had to be helped to choose skin colour because am blind to peoples physical individualities.
also had to make his eyes closed because of eye diffiulties,and also not able to draw using one hand;it has to be hand over hand to guide.
am not able to write so staff have wrote his name on it,the guy is called eddie lee mosley,his intelectual disability is genuine,here is story on him-
http://www.crimezzz.net/serialkillers/M/MOSLEY_eddie_lee.php
anyway here is pic-
when everything isnt so RAD
this is the very first post have written in the mainstream about having reactive attachment disorder.
most people assume the following about RAD-
its only been several years since was diagnosed,had been very severely affected by it despite not having the label,most people put it down to the autism or bad behavior.
mine was probably due to the fact was severely disabled which had triggered severe depression and alcoholism in mum so didnt really know of her much apart from the rare times she was sober and the only time that dad interacted was to beat the shit out of em for behavior and difficulties he did not understand,had felt real hate for him and lacked complete attachment to both of them looking back.
the LD specialist who used to work with em was also specialised in attachment issues such as RAD and this is how it finaly became recognised,as staff here thought the disconection to humans and inability to ask others to help was going beyond severe autism.
the manager we had back then was awful in those days and he made every issue of the attachment disorder worse,such as constantly threatening to move to another place because theyre unable to help em,seeing RAD behaviors as challenging behavior,not understanding why did not trust staff and making threats all over the place to crumble the safety net of mine.
the last residential service was living with completely turned the RAD up to max because was being moved from place to place to place to place... it wasnt just because am severely autistic but it had a permenent fix on the RAD mentality to.
-almost all of their staff were very neglectful to em,was regulary left lying red raw in own piss trapped down the side of the bed all day whenever had had a seizure,many a time had been brought back from unconciousness from mouth being full of concrete having been headbanging on the wall most of the day [minus a helmet,as they refused to get services involved for one of those].
-staff woud refuse to help with basic needs that was unable to do or needed such as getting nappies,tie shoe laces [am not able to tie them as there are to many steps],they woud physicaly abuse em when being bathed so em stopped bathing all togeter.
as for nappies,untile moving here em used rolled up toilet paper which is what had always done,it didnt work well but it was better than nothing.
em need physical and constant prompting help with each step in personal care but because previous homes had neglected this had just not cleaned at all even with baby wipes and was regulary visited by kidney infections ,though because was always staying at mums at the weekend,she woud bath em there-em wore shorts in the bath because of the sensory issues with water.
throughout entire life have always refused help,even when it meant hurting or risking self,people still confuse that with militant independance and many have even gotten offended because they think its because of them.
when there was a situation of needing help,that inbuilt concept that triggered the action to go find people to help was missing,people assumed did not need help then as well and thought was a lot more able than actualy was which had led to all the problems have had here.
one of the triggers that stopped em from eating food for many years was actualy staff forgetting to make dinner but they always told staff next on that they had fed em something or other.
em wasnt having that control stripped away,though besides that it was largely an autistic issue.
whenever em used to be desperate for something,such as drink of mine; which is in a locked cubord,instead of being able to ask for it even in sign language or PECS woud try and tear the doors off-it worked a few times but got in serious trouble with the arsehole manager who thought was being deliberately challenging and not desperate & unable to ask for help.
the boots of mine were laced ones,em woud walk around with these big mountain horse steel filled yard boots [mum calls them clod hoppers] with the laces flopping about some staff who didnt know em well woud say to tie laces and when telling them am not able to they woud say am clearly able to because am able to use a computer-they ALWAYS said this whilst doing something for one of the other residents who dont have any issues with what theyre being helped with but because one of them has infantilism [he is actualy a high functioning adult when staff arent there and isnt believed to have autism by all staff,he has borderline PD ,bipolar and the UK definition of learning disability] and another is profoundly autistic but able [he even has a laptop and an ipad and can use the internet without help], they assume they cant do anything for themselves,thanks to them they enabled their learned helplessness.
the arsehole manager made the RAD so much worse by telling staff not to help and only get involved if em ask for help.
whenever em fought against his bullshit he turned around and said 'who is the pyschologist here?' he had a fucking pyschology degree! what a load of shit,one of the support staff had a pyschology degree to and sister of mine had a pyschology degree;it didnt mean they were a pyschologist.
the LD specialist em had before current one was an expert in attachment problems and that is when things finaly began to change for em,very slowly though due to the arsehole manager still being here,he made em feel so unsafe as he continuously wined about might have to be transfered to another residential placement whenever em was feeling unsafe or going through a pyschotic or severe depressive episode-he felt that was like a form of control but it just wound em up so much woud end up exploding and either fighting him or doing some serious self injuring.
after that he woud say it' proved what he was saying' or some other bullshit.
he used to say when em came in bedroom and hid away in the wetroom of mine,that was trying to take staff away from the other residents-despite the fact no staff are for specific residents,and the fact woud go in the wetroom to isolate self in a small space which was more comfortable,em was catatonic and severely depressed in those days and he treated em like shit which made em even more suicidal and reach for something to strangle the carotid artery with but he even woud shout about that been attention seeking.
em was isolating self away from everyone at that time and em actualy hated the human race because of him.
em have no attachment to humans whatsoever-way beyond the effects of severe autism and will always put animals and even insects first.
he got sacked eventualy because he was the power of attorney of mine and ended up not paying many care bills for over a year if remember correctly,
em was in a lot of debt because of him,was actualy left with no money every week for a long time to pay it off when staff said it shoud have been him who paid it off.
his sacking has helped em get so much better in terms of the RAD.
am now able to get certain staff for help,people understand needs a lot better because am not hiding away from them anymore.
so yes,this is lifelong attachment disorder,all the chickens of mine have it, they cant seem to unattach themselves from porridge.
most people assume the following about RAD-
- its only a disorder involving kids who have been through adoption/childrens homes etc.
- like autism,ADHD and all those other good fur nothing fly by night disorders;it magicaly disapears in adult hood [they assume that as theres bugger all research on how it affects us as adults].
its only been several years since was diagnosed,had been very severely affected by it despite not having the label,most people put it down to the autism or bad behavior.
mine was probably due to the fact was severely disabled which had triggered severe depression and alcoholism in mum so didnt really know of her much apart from the rare times she was sober and the only time that dad interacted was to beat the shit out of em for behavior and difficulties he did not understand,had felt real hate for him and lacked complete attachment to both of them looking back.
the LD specialist who used to work with em was also specialised in attachment issues such as RAD and this is how it finaly became recognised,as staff here thought the disconection to humans and inability to ask others to help was going beyond severe autism.
the manager we had back then was awful in those days and he made every issue of the attachment disorder worse,such as constantly threatening to move to another place because theyre unable to help em,seeing RAD behaviors as challenging behavior,not understanding why did not trust staff and making threats all over the place to crumble the safety net of mine.
the last residential service was living with completely turned the RAD up to max because was being moved from place to place to place to place... it wasnt just because am severely autistic but it had a permenent fix on the RAD mentality to.
-almost all of their staff were very neglectful to em,was regulary left lying red raw in own piss trapped down the side of the bed all day whenever had had a seizure,many a time had been brought back from unconciousness from mouth being full of concrete having been headbanging on the wall most of the day [minus a helmet,as they refused to get services involved for one of those].
-staff woud refuse to help with basic needs that was unable to do or needed such as getting nappies,tie shoe laces [am not able to tie them as there are to many steps],they woud physicaly abuse em when being bathed so em stopped bathing all togeter.
as for nappies,untile moving here em used rolled up toilet paper which is what had always done,it didnt work well but it was better than nothing.
em need physical and constant prompting help with each step in personal care but because previous homes had neglected this had just not cleaned at all even with baby wipes and was regulary visited by kidney infections ,though because was always staying at mums at the weekend,she woud bath em there-em wore shorts in the bath because of the sensory issues with water.
throughout entire life have always refused help,even when it meant hurting or risking self,people still confuse that with militant independance and many have even gotten offended because they think its because of them.
when there was a situation of needing help,that inbuilt concept that triggered the action to go find people to help was missing,people assumed did not need help then as well and thought was a lot more able than actualy was which had led to all the problems have had here.
one of the triggers that stopped em from eating food for many years was actualy staff forgetting to make dinner but they always told staff next on that they had fed em something or other.
em wasnt having that control stripped away,though besides that it was largely an autistic issue.
whenever em used to be desperate for something,such as drink of mine; which is in a locked cubord,instead of being able to ask for it even in sign language or PECS woud try and tear the doors off-it worked a few times but got in serious trouble with the arsehole manager who thought was being deliberately challenging and not desperate & unable to ask for help.
the boots of mine were laced ones,em woud walk around with these big mountain horse steel filled yard boots [mum calls them clod hoppers] with the laces flopping about some staff who didnt know em well woud say to tie laces and when telling them am not able to they woud say am clearly able to because am able to use a computer-they ALWAYS said this whilst doing something for one of the other residents who dont have any issues with what theyre being helped with but because one of them has infantilism [he is actualy a high functioning adult when staff arent there and isnt believed to have autism by all staff,he has borderline PD ,bipolar and the UK definition of learning disability] and another is profoundly autistic but able [he even has a laptop and an ipad and can use the internet without help], they assume they cant do anything for themselves,thanks to them they enabled their learned helplessness.
the arsehole manager made the RAD so much worse by telling staff not to help and only get involved if em ask for help.
whenever em fought against his bullshit he turned around and said 'who is the pyschologist here?' he had a fucking pyschology degree! what a load of shit,one of the support staff had a pyschology degree to and sister of mine had a pyschology degree;it didnt mean they were a pyschologist.
the LD specialist em had before current one was an expert in attachment problems and that is when things finaly began to change for em,very slowly though due to the arsehole manager still being here,he made em feel so unsafe as he continuously wined about might have to be transfered to another residential placement whenever em was feeling unsafe or going through a pyschotic or severe depressive episode-he felt that was like a form of control but it just wound em up so much woud end up exploding and either fighting him or doing some serious self injuring.
after that he woud say it' proved what he was saying' or some other bullshit.
he used to say when em came in bedroom and hid away in the wetroom of mine,that was trying to take staff away from the other residents-despite the fact no staff are for specific residents,and the fact woud go in the wetroom to isolate self in a small space which was more comfortable,em was catatonic and severely depressed in those days and he treated em like shit which made em even more suicidal and reach for something to strangle the carotid artery with but he even woud shout about that been attention seeking.
em was isolating self away from everyone at that time and em actualy hated the human race because of him.
em have no attachment to humans whatsoever-way beyond the effects of severe autism and will always put animals and even insects first.
he got sacked eventualy because he was the power of attorney of mine and ended up not paying many care bills for over a year if remember correctly,
em was in a lot of debt because of him,was actualy left with no money every week for a long time to pay it off when staff said it shoud have been him who paid it off.
his sacking has helped em get so much better in terms of the RAD.
am now able to get certain staff for help,people understand needs a lot better because am not hiding away from them anymore.
so yes,this is lifelong attachment disorder,all the chickens of mine have it, they cant seem to unattach themselves from porridge.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
chickens at night
so we get out and start sharing out the porridge in all their dishes, and then.....
nobhead alert,fireworks were being thrown everywhere.
em kept smashing head off the side of the coop and going into meltdown sleep,was paralysed when woke up but not completely.
staff managed to restrain em into the house then had rest and got ear defenders on.
em had done some serious concusion damage to head the other day and it was still swolen,add on top of it also head banging badly tonight so didnt like putting the helmet or ear defenders on but it was either that or let someone else do feed them but em do it every day.
em had left the laptop outside hoping to get some photos of the chucks because cam wasnt working,em love the chucks and never get to see them because of this stupid health and safety rule someone biased against chickens decided to put on them.
here are ems special babies;the ones that have got a major atachment to though temple is a special baby to but she is the bottom of the pecking order in her coop and was currently being used as a stool by lorna at the time.
here is jim jims [also known as jimbo] with his fluffy trousers on.
and here is mr tito himself,the badass of the entire world or so he likes to act but he is a pussy cat and loves hugs and attention off em,he loves being babied.
the tragedy that is disability
tragedy-
please stop feeding this mindset to autistic and non autistic kids and adults that autism in any severity is a tragedy.
some of us grew up being resented on a daily basis due to our level of autism and lack of support or education for parents,mine used their fists and anything they coud grab hold of to beat every autistic and learning disabled trait,difficulty and behavior,regulary outloud said they wished had not been born,or was like more sister,was made out to be nothing but a lifelong burden to them by the ever useless doctors,whom had told mum only brain damage caused autism.
all of their tragic attitudes rubbed off on em throughout entire life,felt was useless and people around em were only to quick to highlight that.
mum and dad had no idea em was aware of their discusions on a possible childrens home placement.
was made to feel like the tragedy of the family,the one they piled resentment on and hate because was not intelectualy or school wise on the level with sister plus she never was any trouble at school she was just socialy impaired and shy.
it wasnt until em was in the residential services am in now that the mentality of mine changed,these guys to be specific[link to ems incubation project page,its out of date as they said theres no webspace left]- *click here*
it isnt that believed coudnt do anything but that had believed was worthless and useless and didnt deserve to be here because had caused so much suffering to the family.
the residential centre am in over the past few years has helped work on re programming that thinking.
they also have taught the family am not a tragedy,am not a stain on the families good streak.
most importantly they have helped self to accept self instead of loathe and by christ that was an achievement.
they have helped em to understand own autism and how it affects others on the severe and profound spectrums of autism to,without this understanding woud not be even near aware of how deeply it affects others and it is this why understand so many parents think we all have to fit one stereotype or another to match their idea of what definition shoud be.
the problem that thinking of us as a tragedy causes is exactly what have just wroten above,it creates such an embedded self loathing mentality and possibly depresion for the autistic who has enough awareness of language;and both deep resentment,hatred,self loathing and depresion for the parent.
just because we are born differently to the wishes of the parent,doesnt mean we cannot have a life which is comfortable,acceptable and interesting to us, it does not mean we cannot have a quality of life.
every profoundly autistic em know in this residential centre has a high quality of life.
the adult profoundly autists both have a job once a week,they even attend a mainstream [UK] FE college.
one of them is even able to use normal public transport no problem,and they both access the mainstream community.
with the right support,clear boundaries in place,sensory integration and behavioral issues worked on, chances to communicate easily and understanding and a safe supportive but independance encouraging place to live in; autistics can have a great life,there is no tragedy to our lives or condition,the only tragedy is the serious abuse some of us have recieved [and unfortunately for some will stil] in care......
....the lack of understanding,the lack of coping with us leading to some autists being spoilt all their lives and thinking they own everything......
.....the autists who are completely aware that theyre using violence to control others......
....the people who target us/manipulate us/groom us and bully us online because of our level of autism they see us as weak whilst thinking theyre 'hard' for bullying and predatarily targeting a very vulnerable adult......
....the legal lack of benefits to survive on when we live in residential care..... ........the lack of understanding off our shitty govnernment who continuously shuts down day services for us and leaving many stuk in the house because they cannot work,cutting funding on special education courses for us not to mention some years ago when they removed all funding all together for people over twenty five going to special colleges...........
.......cutting social services funding so they had to get rid of people who didnt meet the highest level of critical needs which has left vulnerable people without care.......
now THAT is a tragedy.
THAT is a tragedy we need to cure.
-see our real tragedy is other people!
-our tragedy is the media and its inability to make people aware of autism without portraying it as a kids disability or a tragedy on mankind.
-our tragedy is having organisations whom are biased towards ideas such as cure representing us,they dont give a stuff about our voice either and think even those of us with severe or profound autism need our parents to represent us.
-our tragedy is these biased organisations portraying autism as a kids disease to get more donations coming in,most of which goes on cure research AND NOT supporting the autistics who exist today and are struggling to survive.
-our tragedy is the lack of basic respect,rights,advocacy, and human equality that those of us with severe or profound autism get from the autistic community, isolating us when they develop advocacy or autism spectrum forums,or when theyre standing up for the spectrum.
-our tragedy is the autism and autistic communities arguing between each other about what autism is and "how their kid is more autistic and disabled than some other kid and how people in the autistic community dont represent their child because theyre able to use a computer and type",instead of getting together and campaigning for better awareness and understanding against the REAL problem-the bastard disablist governments of our countries.
the tragic element of drama, of literature generally, or of life.
please stop feeding this mindset to autistic and non autistic kids and adults that autism in any severity is a tragedy.
some of us grew up being resented on a daily basis due to our level of autism and lack of support or education for parents,mine used their fists and anything they coud grab hold of to beat every autistic and learning disabled trait,difficulty and behavior,regulary outloud said they wished had not been born,or was like more sister,was made out to be nothing but a lifelong burden to them by the ever useless doctors,whom had told mum only brain damage caused autism.
all of their tragic attitudes rubbed off on em throughout entire life,felt was useless and people around em were only to quick to highlight that.
mum and dad had no idea em was aware of their discusions on a possible childrens home placement.
was made to feel like the tragedy of the family,the one they piled resentment on and hate because was not intelectualy or school wise on the level with sister plus she never was any trouble at school she was just socialy impaired and shy.
it wasnt until em was in the residential services am in now that the mentality of mine changed,these guys to be specific[link to ems incubation project page,its out of date as they said theres no webspace left]- *click here*
it isnt that believed coudnt do anything but that had believed was worthless and useless and didnt deserve to be here because had caused so much suffering to the family.
the residential centre am in over the past few years has helped work on re programming that thinking.
they also have taught the family am not a tragedy,am not a stain on the families good streak.
most importantly they have helped self to accept self instead of loathe and by christ that was an achievement.
they have helped em to understand own autism and how it affects others on the severe and profound spectrums of autism to,without this understanding woud not be even near aware of how deeply it affects others and it is this why understand so many parents think we all have to fit one stereotype or another to match their idea of what definition shoud be.
the problem that thinking of us as a tragedy causes is exactly what have just wroten above,it creates such an embedded self loathing mentality and possibly depresion for the autistic who has enough awareness of language;and both deep resentment,hatred,self loathing and depresion for the parent.
just because we are born differently to the wishes of the parent,doesnt mean we cannot have a life which is comfortable,acceptable and interesting to us, it does not mean we cannot have a quality of life.
every profoundly autistic em know in this residential centre has a high quality of life.
the adult profoundly autists both have a job once a week,they even attend a mainstream [UK] FE college.
one of them is even able to use normal public transport no problem,and they both access the mainstream community.
with the right support,clear boundaries in place,sensory integration and behavioral issues worked on, chances to communicate easily and understanding and a safe supportive but independance encouraging place to live in; autistics can have a great life,there is no tragedy to our lives or condition,the only tragedy is the serious abuse some of us have recieved [and unfortunately for some will stil] in care......
....the lack of understanding,the lack of coping with us leading to some autists being spoilt all their lives and thinking they own everything......
.....the autists who are completely aware that theyre using violence to control others......
....the people who target us/manipulate us/groom us and bully us online because of our level of autism they see us as weak whilst thinking theyre 'hard' for bullying and predatarily targeting a very vulnerable adult......
....the legal lack of benefits to survive on when we live in residential care..... ........the lack of understanding off our shitty govnernment who continuously shuts down day services for us and leaving many stuk in the house because they cannot work,cutting funding on special education courses for us not to mention some years ago when they removed all funding all together for people over twenty five going to special colleges...........
.......cutting social services funding so they had to get rid of people who didnt meet the highest level of critical needs which has left vulnerable people without care.......
now THAT is a tragedy.
THAT is a tragedy we need to cure.
-see our real tragedy is other people!
-our tragedy is the media and its inability to make people aware of autism without portraying it as a kids disability or a tragedy on mankind.
-our tragedy is having organisations whom are biased towards ideas such as cure representing us,they dont give a stuff about our voice either and think even those of us with severe or profound autism need our parents to represent us.
-our tragedy is these biased organisations portraying autism as a kids disease to get more donations coming in,most of which goes on cure research AND NOT supporting the autistics who exist today and are struggling to survive.
-our tragedy is the lack of basic respect,rights,advocacy, and human equality that those of us with severe or profound autism get from the autistic community, isolating us when they develop advocacy or autism spectrum forums,or when theyre standing up for the spectrum.
-our tragedy is the autism and autistic communities arguing between each other about what autism is and "how their kid is more autistic and disabled than some other kid and how people in the autistic community dont represent their child because theyre able to use a computer and type",instead of getting together and campaigning for better awareness and understanding against the REAL problem-the bastard disablist governments of our countries.
change-why do thee smite us?
this weekend has been bad for a change.
early yesterday morning a favourite special auntie of mine had went away because she had a 'massive heart attack' [they dont seem to require the op where they cut open people to find out the problem where they are].
auntie annie was one of the few relatives of mine who was not disowned by as a child for being a 'heavy burden' on the family and for being a curse from god- almost all of them did and they gave their attitudes to their kids [cousins of mine].
she always tried interacting with em even at a very young age,she never saw bad in em.
she didnt get on well with sister because she said 'sister was snobby and never spoke to her and when she did she spoke like she was better',however it turned out sis was on the spectrum as well-according to herself and old specialists and autism expertised support staff of mine.
we didnt get to see her much because she lived in ireland and unfortunately all the female sisters on mums side were alcoholics so they woud all say something silly on the phone to take offense to, and stop any contact between us all again.
she had stoppped drinking years ago but unfortnately developed severe bipolar and was in and out of sectioning regulary,and poor uncle mickey-her husband is going through alzheimers which have just found out.
annie went away yesterday morning and the funeral is today saturday which is usualy the day em go home to spend the weekends at mums.
so dad has asked em through staff if he and mum coud go to the funeral and em stay here-which is a major painful change to self,em agreed because he dropped off the things that em have when go home to make it as much like normal saturday as possible.
am also on lorazepam this morning- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
the gp understands a lot of autistic issues as there are many residential homes around here so he prescribes them for PRN use,for big changes like this or for fireworks-because its still bonfire season here.
so yes its saturday,am at home am not at mums,staff are doing best to help em theyre taking em for a drive and small starbucks frapachino after.
had one last week but am not going to tell them that.
wish doctors woud prescribe drugs that arent benzos for helping with this, they gave em diazepam for years which never made one bit of difference its only this year they have upped the severity of the drug,but its still a benzo.
a small dose of ketamine,or amitryptiline woud probably fair better...then again am not a doctor and who are we to talk of our own bodies in such a educated manner.
early yesterday morning a favourite special auntie of mine had went away because she had a 'massive heart attack' [they dont seem to require the op where they cut open people to find out the problem where they are].
auntie annie was one of the few relatives of mine who was not disowned by as a child for being a 'heavy burden' on the family and for being a curse from god- almost all of them did and they gave their attitudes to their kids [cousins of mine].
she always tried interacting with em even at a very young age,she never saw bad in em.
she didnt get on well with sister because she said 'sister was snobby and never spoke to her and when she did she spoke like she was better',however it turned out sis was on the spectrum as well-according to herself and old specialists and autism expertised support staff of mine.
we didnt get to see her much because she lived in ireland and unfortunately all the female sisters on mums side were alcoholics so they woud all say something silly on the phone to take offense to, and stop any contact between us all again.
she had stoppped drinking years ago but unfortnately developed severe bipolar and was in and out of sectioning regulary,and poor uncle mickey-her husband is going through alzheimers which have just found out.
annie went away yesterday morning and the funeral is today saturday which is usualy the day em go home to spend the weekends at mums.
so dad has asked em through staff if he and mum coud go to the funeral and em stay here-which is a major painful change to self,em agreed because he dropped off the things that em have when go home to make it as much like normal saturday as possible.
am also on lorazepam this morning- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
the gp understands a lot of autistic issues as there are many residential homes around here so he prescribes them for PRN use,for big changes like this or for fireworks-because its still bonfire season here.
so yes its saturday,am at home am not at mums,staff are doing best to help em theyre taking em for a drive and small starbucks frapachino after.
had one last week but am not going to tell them that.
wish doctors woud prescribe drugs that arent benzos for helping with this, they gave em diazepam for years which never made one bit of difference its only this year they have upped the severity of the drug,but its still a benzo.
a small dose of ketamine,or amitryptiline woud probably fair better...then again am not a doctor and who are we to talk of our own bodies in such a educated manner.
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