Tuesday, 6 November 2012

when everything isnt so RAD

this is the very first post have written in the mainstream about having reactive attachment disorder.

most people assume the following about RAD-
  • its only a disorder involving kids who have been through adoption/childrens homes etc.
  • like autism,ADHD and all those other good fur nothing fly by night disorders;it magicaly disapears in adult hood [they assume that as theres bugger all research on how it affects us as adults]. 

its only been several years since was diagnosed,had been very severely affected by it despite not having the label,most people put it down to the autism or bad behavior.

mine was probably due to the fact was severely disabled which had triggered severe depression and alcoholism in mum so didnt really know of her much apart from the rare times she was sober and the only time that dad interacted was to beat the shit out of em for behavior and difficulties he did not understand,had felt real hate for him and lacked complete attachment to both of them looking back.

the LD specialist who used to work with em was also specialised in attachment issues such as RAD and this is how it finaly became recognised,as staff here thought the disconection to humans and inability to ask others to help was going beyond severe autism.

the manager we had back then was awful in those days and he made every issue of the attachment disorder worse,such as constantly threatening to move to another place because theyre unable to help em,seeing RAD behaviors as challenging behavior,not understanding why did not trust staff and making threats all over the place to crumble the safety net of mine.

the last residential service was living with completely turned the RAD up to max because was being moved from place to place to place to place... it wasnt just because am severely autistic but it had a permenent fix on the RAD mentality to.

-almost all of their staff were very neglectful to em,was regulary left lying red raw in own piss trapped down the side of the bed all day whenever had had a seizure,many a time had been brought back from unconciousness from mouth being full of concrete having been headbanging on the wall most of the day [minus a helmet,as they refused to get services involved for one of those].
-staff woud refuse to help with basic needs that was unable to do or needed such as getting nappies,tie shoe laces [am not able to tie them as there are to many steps],they woud physicaly abuse em when being bathed so em stopped bathing all togeter.
as for nappies,untile moving here em used rolled up toilet paper which is what had always done,it didnt work well but it was better than nothing.
em need physical and constant prompting help with each step in personal care but because previous homes had neglected this had just not cleaned at all even with baby wipes and was regulary visited by kidney infections ,though because was always staying at mums at the weekend,she woud bath em there-em wore shorts in the bath because of the sensory issues with water.

throughout entire life have always refused help,even when it meant hurting or risking self,people still confuse that with militant independance and many have even gotten offended because they think its because of them.
when there was a situation of needing help,that inbuilt concept that triggered the action to go find people to help was missing,people assumed did not need help then as well and thought was a lot more able than actualy was which had led to all the problems have had here.

one of the triggers that stopped em from eating food for many years was actualy staff forgetting to make dinner but they always told staff next on that they had fed em something or other.
em wasnt having that control stripped away,though besides that it was largely an autistic issue.

 whenever em used to be desperate for something,such as drink of mine; which is in a locked cubord,instead of being able to ask for it even in sign language or PECS woud try and tear the doors off-it worked a few times but got in serious trouble with the arsehole manager who thought was being deliberately challenging and not desperate & unable to ask for help.

the boots of mine were laced ones,em woud walk around with these big mountain horse steel filled yard boots [mum calls them clod hoppers] with the laces flopping about some staff who didnt know em well woud say to tie laces and when telling them am not able to they woud say am clearly able to because am able to use a computer-they ALWAYS said this whilst doing something for one of the other residents who dont have any issues with what theyre being helped with but because one of them has infantilism [he is actualy a high functioning adult when staff arent there and isnt believed to have autism by all staff,he has borderline PD ,bipolar and the UK definition of learning disability] and another is profoundly autistic but able [he even has a laptop and an ipad and can use the internet without help], they assume they cant do anything for themselves,thanks to them they enabled their learned helplessness.

the arsehole manager made the RAD so much worse by telling staff not to help and only get involved if em ask for help.
whenever em fought against his bullshit he turned around and said 'who is the pyschologist here?' he had a fucking pyschology degree! what a load of shit,one of the support staff had a pyschology degree to and sister of mine had a pyschology degree;it didnt mean they were a pyschologist.

the LD specialist em had before current one was an expert in attachment problems and that is when things finaly began to change for em,very slowly though due to the arsehole manager still being here,he made em feel so unsafe as he continuously wined about might have to be transfered to another residential placement whenever em was feeling unsafe or going through a pyschotic or severe depressive episode-he felt that was like a form of control but it just wound em up so much woud end up exploding and either fighting him or doing some serious self injuring.
after that he woud say it' proved what he was saying' or some other bullshit.

he used to say when em came in bedroom and hid away in the wetroom of mine,that was trying to take staff away from the other residents-despite the fact no staff are for specific residents,and the fact woud go in the wetroom to isolate self in a small space which was more comfortable,em was catatonic and severely depressed in those days and he treated em like shit which made em even more suicidal and reach for something to strangle the carotid artery with but he even woud shout about that been attention seeking.
em was isolating self away from everyone at that time and em actualy hated the human race because of him.
em have no attachment to humans whatsoever-way beyond the effects of severe autism and will always put animals and even insects first.

he got sacked eventualy because he was the power of attorney of mine and ended up not paying many care bills for over a year if remember correctly,
em was in a lot of debt because of him,was actualy left with no money every week for a long time to pay it off when staff said it shoud have been him who paid it off.

his sacking has helped em get so much better in terms of the RAD.
am now able to get certain staff for help,people understand needs a lot better because am not hiding away from them anymore.

so yes,this is lifelong attachment disorder,all the chickens of mine have it, they cant seem to unattach themselves from porridge.