institutionalised....again

it feels like years since have written a post on here but its only been months.

unfortunately back in september was having a crisis due to having had a past filled with abuse and a tough year with hospitalised crohns disease crisis and the beloved chickens of mine being kidnapped plus the mental health destroying online bullying had suffered from an infamous now thankfuly banned member of wrong planet amongst many other disability related sites he forged lives on.
-it all ended with several rooms being trashed,a head smashing through a double glazed window and ten police officers struggling to restrain.
was in both handcuffs and full length leg restraints.
-ended up sectioned first in a awful high security mental health ward where despite having full time one to one support had become targeted and bullied by a woman with borderline personality disorder [though another woman who will never forget was like a mother and was protected by her in there].

then was moved to a far away LD assessment and treatment hospital when a place became available.
with all respect to the staff that understand [many of them dont and have had incidents with many of them as a result of their treatment],it has been absolute hell in a lot of ways,am on level three observation which means being watched by a nurse full time including whilst on the toilet,have also hated the total lack of understanding of sound sensitivity in there whilst they have nothing but sympathy for patients that are hard of hearing,this got to the point where an advocate had to get involved and also the LD team am under to educate them on acute sensitive hearing and hyperacusis.

have gained some friends whilst living there and am keeping in contact with them and with one friend we are going to be meeting up when we manage to find a suitable riding school and am out of the prison hospital.

unfortunately due to the residential home saying they cant cope anymore [BS because theres people with more challenging behavior living there] and was made homeless,they turned their backs when was in need of them.
a placement came up in a brand new build,its a big centre all on one level but only for four women who have autism with both LD and mental health needs.
its secure supported living and four flats in each corner,each one with a private garden and the rest of the building is communal.
it has a sensory garden and will have a sensory room eventualy.

its also in an area am very familiar with having gone there to horse ride as a child.

am now on a section three [which means theyre allowed to detain for up to six months] and next tuesday am due to move into the new place though there wont be any internet until that gets sorted.
unfortunately we had a new resident come in last week who brings up her disability as an excuse every time she attacks a patient or staff and she shouts from morning till night and is both verbaly and physicaly abusive-its been making life hell on the unit for everyone,so had begged the LD team and the new organisation am going into to sort out a overnight placement on monday because that was the day was due to move to the new place-and within a moment they had sorted out a placement in another unit of theirs which has twenty four internet access,a gym,a pool table and all sorts of other stuff-am chuffed to bits!

at this new place am also allowed to have cats so finaly have got wish after all these years to live in a place that allows pets indoors.

an autism endorsed cat lovers thread

cats are probably the most celebrated thing besides trains by autistic people,and being one of those crazy cat ladies have taken it upon self to make a list of the best famous kittehs incase anyone hasnt come across them yet.

all of these are favourites of mine,and have got them liked/on the facebook news feed to keep updated on them,unfortunately scarlett was PTS having developed cancer from carcinogens in a now banned cat food a while ago though but her incredible legacy still goes on.

have fun 'liking' them all on facebook!


scarlett; the heroic cat who got badly burned whilst saving her kittens one by one from a burning building;
https://www.facebook.com/ScarlettTheHeroCat?fref=ts

chase;no face, a cat that had his face skin ripped off as a kitten in a car accident,and that now works as an advocat in disability
https://www.facebook.com/ChaseNoFace

colonel meow:
http://www.colonel-meow.com/

justin;fire survivor,a cat that got set on fire by a scumbag of a humanbeing
https://www.facebook.com/justinfiresurvivor?ref=profile

lil bub,a cat that looks photoshopped due to their unusual looks but is actualy disabled
https://www.facebook.com/iamlilbub?ref=profile

corky,a cat that suffers with a unusual severe physical disability
https://www.facebook.com/CorkyTheCradleCat?ref=profile

grumpy cat:
http://www.grumpycats.com/

hamilton; the hipster cat
http://www.hamiltonthehipstercat.bigcartel.com/

spangles; the cross eyed cat
https://www.facebook.com/spangles09?ref=ts&fref=ts

anakin;a cat born without a pelvis or rear legs
https://www.facebook.com/AnakinTheTwoLeggedCat?ref=profile

shorty; a cat with dwarfism
https://www.facebook.com/ShortyandKodi?fref=ts

the little kitty that coud, a cat that was born blind and has a severe physical disability in her rear legs
https://www.facebook.com/TheLittleKittyThatCould?fref=ts

sam has eye brows
https://www.facebook.com/Samhaseyebrows?ref=profile

the barriers to getting support for hearing voices

am hoping to start going along to the support group run by the hearing voices network to hear about others who have issues with voices because its difficult to cope with people who keep saying am imagining it/telling em they arent there,but have come across a pretty disablist snag already before even getting there.

because am 'two to one' aka have two support staff when out in the community,the HVN groups are saying it woud be wrong for support staff to attend in the room for confidentiality reasons,however they have to be around self at all times,we are meeting to discuss this issue to see if it can be worked around tomorow.
this is why we need a group especialy for disabled people who woudnt think twice about someone attending with carers.

chicken therapy

believe it or not,but it exists,and am not talking about mine.

recently,had began going out for walks [or rolls in ems case] with staffs localy,and had come across a huge garden next to a house full of chickens free ranging.
one day had walked past,heard baby chick noises and echolalicaly began repeating them back not realising the sound was doing...suddenly many,many chicks came running over the hill with two hens closely followed behind them it looked like a war time battle,its the first time had ever seen chicks free ranging.

being the chicken obsessed sort,and thinking these were abandoned/not looked after [we are in a bit of a shit tip of a village after all] had started bringing along some posh chicken pellets of mine to feed them and had soon built up a relationship with them,was even been followed around by a ginger little chuck [everyone says she might think we are related,being ginger an all,lol].
then,one day; a lady said not to give them the pellets because they were already on a balanced diet...she realised am chicken crazy given was treating her birds better than anyone and was wearing a t shirt with a cockerel on and a special needs adult bib made out of chicken fabric- she got talking to staff about what exactly she does,she realised which residential home was from without staff having to mention a word,and without further delay she mentioned the project she runs.
-CHICKEN THERAPY.
well bird therapy to be exact,-for disabled people,its not just chickens she keeps,all sorts of exotics to.

she asked if woud like to come down for therapy-was flapping and sqwarking more than those hens.
staff also asked if em was allowed to come and help her with cleaning them,and she agreed to it once we get all the formal stuff out the way.
how amazing is that? was only saying last week that why has no one invented a chicken therapy service,every autistic who thinks cats are the best therapy shoud try chickens to.
the photos arent great but here are some taken of the chucks on a staffs phone-

farming IRL

went to the farm today with mum and two support staff,fed and watered all the chuck chucks, padded out the coop of the two tiny bantam parents who have just had a chick and tickled the cat of mine; princess plus gave her lots of chin and head rubs to the point she was dribbling all over the place,got some photos as well because have not seen her around the place for a while and have been worried about the little madam....apologies as they seem to be cat porn shots of princesses crotch.

new car ordered

the new motability car is ordered completely now,we got all the forms sorted out and it shoud be arriving in two weeks.
its got tinted windows,heated seats,parking sensors,air con etc. beats the crap out of the old motability car of mine;a citroen nemo multispace.
got some photos of it in the exact colour am getting it in as well-

a random day

though earlier on was awful,due to being attacked by a resident then feeling like he was going to do it any moment again, as well as severe sensory overload from several residents.
after we got out though had a great day today.
ordered the new motability car; a one point six vauxhall zafira design,it is in 'atomic grey' colour which is like a dirty grey;its very nice.

then we went to the trafford centre, instead of being a selfish git and getting a neros coffee, had decided to buy orla; one of the nieces of mine a present,in the two plus years she has been here have never been able to afford to buy her a present and kids hate any relatives that dont buy them stuff so had bought orla a 'something special' sticker book,and a disney baking series magazine which comes with some free mickey mouse and winey the poo cookie/cake making accessories, the sister loves baking all the time so had decided to throw this in as a present as well as orla loves disney and woud love some mickey mouse cookies if not other forms of baking used in it [if sister whinged about it not being healthy enough] or she coud even use it as a tool for shaping bread to make it more interesting for orla.

also found out about a new grant, am going to be applying to it for a new sports wheelchair as am desperate to take up sports,impossible to do that with normal wheels.

 ^the presents for orla

becoming an interviewer

am doing an important job today with the help of alternative communication.

theres a outreach service manager job going in the severe/profound autism & residential organisation am living under and being very knowledgeable of autism have been asked to be part of the interview team.
its a group interview,which according to support staff of mine is the worst kind,so it will be interesting to see how they cope because they will need to cope with stress with the job theyre going for.
have already got own questions typed out,itll be pretty cool if they learn anything new about autism & learning disability as well,nothing worse than having a manager who knows fuck all about us apart from very stereotypical and limited presentations of autism which tends to be the case.

have done it before once.

a chicken flavoured week

 this week has been a very chicken themed week for self, firstly on tuesday had to bring kanner, this handsome cuckoo maran fella [a very old photo]named after leo kanner-

to the vets,theres only one in the whole of the north of england that allows chickens in and am lucky we are near it,the ark vets in cheshire.
he has killed seven hens in his field including the beloved seven year old henny of mine because his beak was ultra sharp so he needed debeaking, its a painless procedure-the beak is like the nails on humans,it just involves taking the sharp edge of but giving them a point for normal pecking.
it was funny getting him into the cat box head first with people in the vets wondering what that big feathery ass hanging out the grill on the cage was,he wasnt pleased....but a few roasted meal worms later and all was forgiven.


next,had managed to hold dexter; the only surviving japanese cochin cockerel of mine after the chicken kidnapping in june,and to be able to be able to catch him is somewhat of a feat,he has lost a load of weight since living at the farm as the chickens needs seem to be a bit neglected by the animal staff there so am hoping to go a lot more to look after them but its a petrol/money issue that gets in the way.

 -em in a sensory feedback trance from stroking dexters huge wattles.

 and then there was temple-or mrs templeton to her friends.
the poor lady is doing her once a year moulting at the moment,which means they look like theyve been dragged through a huge bush backwards and they dont lay eggs during this stage,temple being the broody sort was missing her eggs and even tried to hatch the fake ones had bought for her from chelford farm supplies.
so to cheer her up,had got a spade and began a search for worms in the raised plant boxes-worms being her most favourite thing in the world,she helped by supervising the work perched on top of neck,which made things a bit difficult must say.
there were many clinicaly obese juicy worms to be found,the other girls only managed to get the short skinny ones before temple coud get her beak in and snatch them away.

socializing with the local scumbags

had to laugh,was out with two support staff walking [AKA rolling along,in the wheelie] in the local community [AKA one hell of a shit tip] as was in need of some coca cola and the mother had very generously donated some cash today.

firstly we were turning down the road where the store was on, and a random gaggle of teenagers kept shouting 'HIYA.....HIYA....HEY...HIYA'.

next,we got to the store and another gaggle of teens shouted 'OI RETARD'... being of the sticky-up-for-self sort,had gone into fight or flight mode but was unable to walk at the time,and then was told the store was closing soon which became of more importance than giving a little shit of a teenager a thrashing,plus to be fair it woudnt have been a good result if had done it because we were right opposite the local cop shop. :P

anyway,RETARD- one [got two packs of coca cola cans,bag of crisps and some milky way choc], LOCAL JUNKIES TO BE- zero.

learning disability activism

most people who read this blog know am learning disabled [the UK definition for what america calls intelectual disability],and probably to a lesser level know am involved in learning disability and autism activism-online and offline.

due to all the stuff thats gone on recently,it has stopped some projects of mine from happening but am begining to start them finaly.
project A is making a group of pictorial based easy read books for people with learning disability especialy; based on tasks that they may face in their life; or things they may want to do but theres no adapted information for them.

project B is pretty damn awesome-being a quality checker of busineses in terms of how they acomodate autism and learning disability; particulary to those of us with more severe or profound needs/difficulties.
am going to be making a set of questions and going to businesses/places and questioning them on it to see firstly what they woud do to accomodate customers with autism and/or LD,and also their understanding of autism and/or LD,plus hopefuly leave them some information on each disability to show how much they vary between us all.
--if anyone has got any good questions they woud like adding to the list,please comment.
we will give feedback back to the businesses on any improvements we can suggest and with their consent am going to be making a online database of all the businesses who are what we can definitely call autism and learning disability friendly-this is so parents,carers etc can safely know where to take their child/service user,or where individuals themselves can choose to go safe in the knowledge theyre not going to have access issues.

project C is going to be a activism and self empowerment group for people with autism [of any form or severity] and/or LD,the idea will be for people to get things off their minds,know they got someone listening to them and maybe find ways to solve it within the group;a form of support in a way.


for the symbols am using a board maker type program called picto selector-its free and has been going for years but having being a linux only user up until a month or so ago when needed the new laptop; had never had the oportunity to use it, have spoken to the developer about how much am benefiting from his program and he said he will always keep it free;hes a top gent.
will do a review on it some time soon.

new motability car on the way

am currently waiting for the new motability car,its not been ordered yet due to manager/power of attorney being so damn offensive and fucking off on holiday instead of slaving away at our place.
being in residential care theres extra forms and stuff that need doing and we are already past the date of renewal,luckily motability dont take the car back till getting the new one.

am getting a 2013 vauxhall zafira design which has tinted windows , motability online says its a one point four engine; motability guy in the vauxhall garage says its a one point six,so am not sure who to believe,a one point four woud be better for petrols sake.
have got a choice between diesel and petrol this time,cant wait to get it,it looked awesome in the show room.

what is the fucking point

in the past several months,it really hasnt been easy.....in no order due to shitty memory-an overdose which landed self in a noisy hospital and affected mum a lot....a week in agony;in hospital with undiagnosed severe crohns disease that was strongly suspected by a doctor [still needing to go to outpatients to get it confirmed]-in that same week,despite already being on a withdrawal plan that had been decided by the gp and pysch of mine;without any form of medication or support was completely removed from all forms of codeine that was used to control the overflow pain of trigeminal neuralgia,cluster headaches and sensory overload and the lifelong daily head banging.

and then there was the acute withdrawal symptoms that woud not wish on worst enemy,plus the status and unretractable epileptic seizures that were no doubt caused by stress from being met head on by complete codeine withdrawal-not just the fact am medicaly dependant on them but also the autistic side of it to,no consultants agreed with it and thought it was ridiculous but they woudnt override it because it was a fellow staff of theirs and am under the mental capacity act AKA of limited mental capacity and require best interest decisions.

PLUS....the severe challenging behavior that landed em in hospital under one of the mental health acts,PLUS the destroyal of one room in our residential centre-waking up from a severe headbanging and seizure session;surrounded by devastation and ten police officers,two support staff,a paramedic team and no partridge in a pear tree.
PLUS the constant acute state of severe anxiety and unstable pyschosis am now living in,as a result of all these changes and unpredictibility.

PLUS everyone here,the learning disability team and the safe guarding team saying am not allowed to stay at mums and dads anymore;a routine have had every single weekend for the past decade since being moved out of their home.

the challenging behavior hospitalization ended in several options- a mental health unit, a acute high security unit for learning disability, and the learning disability institution that used to live in as aparently it had been reopened as a respite unit.
they had said after considering all circumstances the acute LD unit was best but it was also quite far away from anyone in family for them to visit on public transport,the other option was to give two day staff and two waking night staff just for em,plus diazepam and zopiclone to help with settling back in.
unfortunately the zopiclone sedative is long gone and the diazepam is already being reduced which is making the anxiety flare wildly and no doubt is behind the voices and pyschosis bollox.
it was the best decision but am very very bothered about having any incidents that result in the possibility of being moved from here permenently because am already feeling on high alert from all the unpredictibility and dont need to be given that higher level of unpredictibility nor the pressure to avoid doing behaviors and hearing voices am not in control of by people who am not understood by well.

it feels like am being hated really badly for hurting other residents,even though have not actualy hurt any residents-was actualy hurt more by them than the other way around,its just people believe what they want to believe.
will never forgive self for hurting staff and dont need fucking reminding because own brain does that every day!

am so fed up of being made to feel like any behavior and incident of mine may be what causes a transfer to a new residential home when there has been residents with profound autism with profoundly challenging behavior who have totaly trashed whole buildings and sent many a individual to hospital who never got moved until many years later when OFSTED get involved,to self it feels like am being singled out.

was also told if do not clean out the chickens coop every day they are going to be moved to the farm [where they do not get looked after] absolute blackmail,had ended up cutting self after hearing this today and the rest of what have written, they know the sort of unstable motivation lacking state am in and need a lot of support at the moment and using this as an excuse to remove the animals that have never liked and never hidden bias from is really low,it hurts self to feel someone is wanting to remove the best friends of mine,to self its exactly on the same level as them saying theyre going to get rid of parents.

am fed up of fucking life.just what is the fucking point.

breaking down 'barriers'

thanks to a certain individual at the trafford learning disability team [and a lot more of the team and our home staff besides her]; had actualy overcome a barrier that is no less than thirteen years old.

today,had actualy gone to the trafford centre,in manchester,not just gone to it-but gone in it shock horror.
and not just gone in there, but sat and had a coffee.
it helped that had had a diazepam just before we went and have still not recovered hearing properly from the recent bad head injury which blocked a lot of the noise out but jesus christ had actualy got over a thirteen year old barrier!!!
am also thankful to the south paw deep pressure vest am wearing,when am in the wheelchair its used as both a deep pressure vest and a harness at the moment as we are trying to get funding sorted out for the crelling harness first.

the last time had gone in there,had only just got in the door way,was wearing earplugs,ear defenders and a hood over the top, was linking arms with sister and dad,sisters husband/bro in law was there and mum to,it was a difficult and painful challenge but still forced self.

all of a sudden the red coat security guys pounced and came between self/em and family; had began to self injury [ie,head bang,bite and hit self],family had said am disabled and thats the reason why am wearing the hood over the ear defenders otherwise woud not be able to come in,the red coats said to us am not allowed in with hood up because everyone has to have their face seen by the security cameras and if continue to leave it up will be escorted off the premises,but during this power crazy rant of theirs;a group of muslim women walked right past us in their cultural clothing-the type that covers from head to toe and has a little slit for the eyes,the red coats didnt give a damn at all-despite telling us the security camera HAS to see every persons face,so why were they ok and not someone with severe complex disabilities?  they tried to grab hold of em to escort out the door in between self and family but the less said about the end result of that;the better.

unfortunately had not understood what disability discrimination was at the time so did not know what they did was exactly so so wrong,but had felt very hatred of them and never wanted to go again, so it wasnt just the fact that the progressing hyperacusis made it inaccessible but also the disablist treatment from the trafford centre as well.

thirteen odd [probably less than that,but it was one persons guess] years on had felt the same loathing for the staff, if they had said a word about the padded helmet was wearing it woudnt have just been a fuss was kicking!

here are some photos for anyone interested,am sticking them up as a visual reminder self;as is the purpose of any photos on here especialy-

was laughing and pointing at the girl to the awesome activities support worker who is stood next to self in photo as thought the girl was going to fall in.

                  having a stimmy moment,feeling awesome for actualy getting in the trafford centre.

being autistic and a pica eater is a double challenge,am using a wooden coffee stirer from neros coffee shop for both sensory seeking and pica reasons,was unaware was being photographed here as was busy getting down to it,after the shot was taken it was grabbed out of mouth before coud swallow. :P

learning disability institution,finaly feeling some closure

several months ago we were driving past an old haunt of mine,and had asked staff if we coud stop in the car park so was able to get some photos.

at age nineteen,had been moved into a learning disability institution in manchester because mums alcohol drinking was getting worse and dad wasnt able to cope with em on his own.
a lot of people complain about LD institutions a lot but this one had been incredible,it was its own little community within a community,lots of land and trees around it which acted as sound proofing-  unfortunately the same quality coudnt be said for the staff,most of whom were severely abusive oldskool evil twats.

some years back,the UK government had decided to close all learning disability institutions down out of the belief that every one of us in the UK with learning disability [that is,the UK definition,not american/DSM,before anyone thinks am suggesting people with dyslexia,dyspraxia etc need to live in institutions] are able access community living,unfortunately in their quest to look progressive they didnt properly check that out first,many of us are unsuited to community living.
without any transitions was quickly transfered to a residential home without risk assessment and it was an absolute hell hole in terms of understanding,accomodating needs of mine and how they allowed a resident to bully all of us and get what she wants for an easy life,when em hit back at her it was em that was transfered to new residentials over and over and over to the same kind of environments; never risk assessing acording to what was told.

the institution was the first place had ever lived away from the family home,it was the first place had ever had the slightest bit of independance,it was the first place was able to say had made it,am not going to be stuck being cared for by mum and dad for the rest of life like doctors and teachers always said.

was also badly abused in there for years......there was a lot of unfinished business, never having had closure.
going there and getting the picture was some closure,it helps to look at it.
am amazed its still in the same condition,except they have fenced off what used to be the respite wing, and the ambulance bays in the car park at the front have faded away.
anyway,here it is,the view of [what was] the reception,the managers offices [at the top floor] and the respite wing-

the last chicks are ready to fly the nest

am pretty damn forgetful as anyone am known by will know,so if this sounds like de ja vous please ignore it. ;)
for the past several months have been incubating and hand rearing chicks for the mum of a fellow resident here,the chicks have a superb lineage; their daddy being a purebred light sussex with gentlemanly manners [tito] and one of the japanese cochin hens for a mother [harriet,booch and jimjims],unfortunately in june tito and two other cockerels of mine [rex and jigsaw; both japanese cochins] plus booch the cochin hen were kidnapped and the survival of their personalities and lineage have been a desperation for self.

the girls and boys of the chicube etiquete school for beautiful chicks have graduated and are now waiting for new mummy to pick them up,they shoud have gone yesterday to join the other four chick bretheren and sisteren of theirs whom em had also incubated,but hoping they will come tomorow so am able to start getting used to being without them again,they shoud have actualy gone days ago but because of all the hospital business it coudnt happen.

last night had been a terrible night, this morning when had still not slept but was lying down in bed had turned around,only to see a line of chicks perched on their brooder,chickens are as blind as a bat in the dark so they probably were unable to find their way off their perch and decided to sleep there. :P

and for the past several days,as an experiment have been taking them outside and letting them get used to the outdoors,so its not a big shock to them when they go to their new mummy,they refused to stray far and were very good chicks,but they started 'chest bumping',so now am worried that theres a lot more cockerels in the group than originaly thought-

one of the cockerels,a real gentleman just like his daddy; tito, his mum is jim jims.

am hoping to breed ducks at some point,if anyone wants chucks breeding for them so they dont have to do any hand rearing work; give a contact,but no;am not able to hand pick hens only which some people think is possible.

hospital; the aftermath

am still getting constant spasms and regularv epileptic seizures from the whole fucked unauthorised complete codeine withdrawal,thankfuly after being back on codeine since wensday the diorreah has finaly stopped but am still feeling sick a lot, am very very weak and have to have support with picking simple things up,like a nearly empty bag of chicken feed which is very light because the weight is spread out.
arms and hands are especialy weak because in the past few weeks have had a ton of needles and canulas shoved in them-a ton of them also were failed attempts because they were trying to jam the needles into muscle instead of the vein,ems veins suck.

am feeling very very let down by the medical industry,apart from a nurse in wythenshawe hospital who prescribed oramorph when she realised was really suffering,the doctor in trafford general accident and emergencythe last consultant we saw who were able to look at it from all areas which is what a best interest decision is supposed to be about,and..NHS direct with the doctor who prescribed the anti emetic.
being honest,am feeling a huge amount of hate for the medical world,and those am known by know it takes a fucklot for em to hold grudges.

this is saturday night and unlike every other weekend am now sat at home [residential,not parents] because of the consequences of this guys fuck up and have been told by the social services safe guarding team am never going to be allowed to stay at parents house again.
it puts a lot of blame on them when have personaly only ever saw this as ems fault no one elses.

am on lorazepam at the moment to cope with being here this weekend, and have just taken the anti emetic +classic/typical anti pyschotic drug; prochlorperazine maleate [buccal version,which means dont have to swallow it and risk puking it up] so it will help with the sickness and head crap am feeling right now in terms of being here during a different decade long routine.

 all of this has caused the mental health side of em to break up again,the voice has been encouraging homicidal and suicidal acts which had been in the middle of following through but was lucky that did not have the mental or physical strength to carry them out.

am definitely going to be looking into legal action but have been told it may possibly be difficult getting this taken seriously because am classed under the learning disability [aka intelectual disability,aka limited mental capacity] spectrum and require best interest decisions.
am also going to be giving own opinion on everything that happened in the hospital from an autism and LD view to the PALS team, and also hope to offer them training on how to best accomodate us in hospitals.

surviving hospital part two

shit has gone down,big time in the past several weeks.
since the last post on surviving hospital,a lot has happened.

last sunday was a real low point.
was feeling utterly terrible,in so much pain and torture from having been completely removed from codeine without any tapered withdrawal.
was already ill with the health issues was facing but now with the codeine withdrawal was violently sick unable to hold down food or fluid,in far worse pain than ever,suffering from severe spastic spasms all over entire body and unretractable epileptic seizures,inability to control body temperature,acute diorreah etc.

was waiting to be picked up by staff to go home,and dad had got up to answer the door to them so had seen that he forgot he left the paracetemol out of the locked safe and had took almost the entire box full [bar one sheet] .
thinking was; am in so much agony am either wanting to disapear or get something done about it.
ended up in hospital once more,they did blood tests but refused to give any medication for the pain nor withdrawal symptoms because of the ridiculous decision of this consultant to completely remove codeine,they did not want to go against his decision even though had never met him before and he had ignored the legaly binding withdrawal plan we had in place already.
luckily did not need charcoal treatment or the drug reversal agent, and was eventualy sent out, still in absolute fucking agony,but now even more mentaly unwell because of how desperate the situation was getting.

that evening had ended up being violently sick and screaming in pain,and by night time was begging for an ambulance which as people know-is something woud never do so am clearly in such distress to be asking for it,ended up being taken to the same hospital as earlier in the day but luckily it was the night shift doctors on at this time and had been given the best doctor of them all.

he went through all the scan results from the last hospital and spent a while with em going over health history; it turned out that am not actualy suffering from codeine having been eroding away at stomach/bowel; it turned out to be lifelong severe crohns disease-have got to have the old camera up arse test to confirm it, he suspected was possibly suffering from a stomach ulcer to,was given IV buscopan first,which isnt a good painkiller it is an anti spasmodic drug which works well for muscular pain;it didnt work and only made heart beat dangerously fast which hurt heart a lot and felt sicker;then codeine which because of the pain having been left for so long did not work very well,and finaly was given IV morphine with an IV anti emetic because of the nausea was suffering from.
this guy was a fucking legend am so greatful to him for listening.

was transfered to the medical assessment ward which was like a shanty town and full of old people with alzheimers,it was so noisy,awful and mainly ran by agency workers who didnt give a shit about the job,loads of vulnerable old people were just neglected,am the lucky one as have always got staff with self.
it was completely autism unfriendly and a nurse who was assigned to was very horrible and impatient despite mentioning she had a nephew with severe autism to.

 was seized up screaming in crippling pain begging for painkillers over and over,and they kept saying they will ask the doctor later and see if they change their mind about giving codeine but they dont want to at the moment because of the overdose-had not taken any codeine and the final blood test after the overdose showed no damage so the OD was no excuse,the severe bowel and digestion problems go back to baby age to;and was not taking codeine then,they were just making up excuses so they dont get legaly held responsible for prescribing it to someone who is labeled a safeguarded adult.

sister came into visit,and she was well fucked off at the state was left in,she gave the consultants a good talking to but they still did not want to override this other doctors opinion on completely stopping the codeine.
they finaly said they woud give painkillers,so was overjoyed,but then they came in the room with them; paracetemol or buscopan tablets! a choice of a tablet which is for mild pain and doesnt work for mine or a useless drug which get a dangerously fast bloody painful heart rate on.
was shouted at by the nurse for being ungrateful and making their job more difficult,felt like knocking their heads in because they didnt give a shit was in so much pain and suffering from the health issues and the withdrawal symptoms.

was about to attempt suicide one night by jumping through a window and slitting throat on the glass when the constant buzzing for a doctor finaly ended up with one coming, she like all the other doctors said she doesnt want to prescribe any form of codeine whatsoever because of dependency and not wanting to override the other consultants words,so again... was left in a state; she over heard all this when she left the room and came back,and then started to consider the circumstances of mine; ie, the impact its had on autism,mental health,behavior etc. she completely disagreed with how the consultant went about this,she said shoud never have been taken off them like that especialy as we already had a withdrawal plan in place, and although she woudnt prescribe any there and then she gave her support for going back on them providing she got to speak to the pyschiatrist and GP of mine who both came up with the plan.

was left suffering from unretractable seizures all night and she woudnt prescribe a form of vallium to stop them despite the fact am normaly semi often prescribed temazepam and lorazepam for both unretractable/status epilepsy and autism behaviors,she said she needed to get the GPs permision- all because am a safe guarded adult and have a limited mental capacity so require best interest decisions.
she said she was going to phone the pysch and gp as soon as it was work hours to get permission but she must have forgoten because the next consultant who came on shift hadnt a clue what had been said that night and said he isnt going to give his support for going back on codeine to allow for proper withdrawal nor vallium for the unstoppable seizures,was pissed off to say the least.

however,the problem seems to have been that it wasnt properly handed over to him so he wasnt aware of what was said,and after much discussion he said he woud leave the decision up to the both the pyschiatrist and the GP because am known best by them and they understand how am affected by this and circumstances involved,he wrote us up a letter to take to the gp showing his support for codeine use, and was then discharged from the hospital with the diagnosis of acute longer term gastro enteritis, but not long after getting back, was puking violently and had very bad diorreah.
the spastic spasms were ripping through entire body and was also suffering from multiple types of unretractable epilepsy.

was continuously going boiling hot one moment then freezing cold the next,was halucinating like crazy, was hurting all over due to the spasms and seizures.
it got to night time when was very suicidal and the aproaching plan for suicide was looking ever a relief, was begging to be taken to hospital again but aparently doctors had told staff that if am taken there again will not be allowed in if its because of the same problems,as they felt they coudnt do anything else with the stupid dick head consultants ban on all codeine products.
so had then begged to be taken to the pysch ward as was going to suicide if they didnt; that wasnt a threat it was just a statement becuase was so desperate and in pain.

by late night they phoned NHS direct because of the severe sickness was having and eventualy there was some light.
the doctor at first refused to prescribe any anti emetics because again.... am a safeguarded adult,but when she heard the issues that had gone on and the fact was going to suicide if did not get help [again this wasnt a threat to get own way it was just a statement of desperation] she decided to prescribe a drug,it turned out to be a life saver.
the drug is prochlorperazine maleate [buccastem M form] :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prochlorperazine
its an typical anti pyschotic which also works effectively as an anti emetic [anti vomiting] drug,its highly potent stuff and has had a great effect on mental stability,woud not be here if it wasnt for this drug.
its only for short term use am on it,am probably coming up to the last one,but its been so helpful and woud recommend it to anyone who is suffering from medication withdrawal.

the next day,the GP finaly sorted out the codeine,but because of the impact from the consultant he has only given four a day for two weeks then two a day for two weeks then none.
am going to fight it because these painkillers are all that stands between self and the agonising suicide causing pain of trigeminal neuralgia which have had since nineteen years old and to take these away without sorting the TN out once and for all woud be barbaric.

most doctors who havent been scared to speak out have said what a fuck up this consultant has made.
he has caused a huge impact on life,permenent damage.

being seen in such suffering and the suicide attempt has affected mum greatly, the suicide attempt has also landed mum and dad in trouble with social services because theyre being blamed by the social services safe guarding team for leaving the pack of paracetemol at the side whilst answering the door, theyre pensioners and dad has a crappy short term memory, not his fault.
am also never allowed to stay at home ever again because the safe guarding team say its unsafe, am devastated,have stayed at mums and dads every weekend since being moved out of the home a decade ago.

the gp has prescribed lorazepam for this weekend from friday night onwards to be able to deal with the change,very greatful for it had the first one tonight.
yesterday the pyschiatrist of mine came to visit and he also upped the respiridone and added on an extra one for the evening.

am in an absolute mess over all of this-mentaly and physicaly,am still suffering from the withdrawals and all the seizures had suffered have had a big effect on brain and body,am looking into taking legal action to.
it is incredible how litle rights those of us who are classed as safe guarded have,no one wants to do anything for us incase they do anything 'wrong'.

have lost all trust in the medical profesion-this consultant has put a level of hatred onto them that woud never have imagined having.
the only medical people that like ever again are the ld pyschiatrist and ld pyschologists of mine,the doctor in accident and emergency who saw the pain and didnt refuse to treat it,and the cousin of mine who a great hospital doctor.

surviving hospital

weird looking bruising from one doctor trying to find a vein

 mmmm,needles,must be the only person in the world who likes watching them.

self,and a fellow spectrumer who is also staff and friend of mine,we had some fun with her tethered internet connection, am going to admit.

thursday last week, was crippled in some writhing silent agony and by night time had finaly got to the point of begging staff for help, anyone am known by knows how difficult it is to make that decision because of the huge impact it has on self and the difficulties have got with dealing with medical things/people/environments.

according to dad,around elleven o clock at night ,the GP had come out and said it was urgent had gotten to hospital,he wrote up an admission form so was able to go straight through without going into accident and emergency,was brought in in an ambulance,the paramedics were awesome and did everything they coud to try and understand and help the needs and disabilities of mine.

at some point,had had multiple tonic clonic epileptic seizures going into hospital and they had to use the hoist to lift onto the bed from the wheelchair,wish had one of these when legs are paralysed or am in seizures,people dont realise how much pressure is on arms to transfer from one level to another without support.

however,the gp had never given the paramedics the admission sheet and as a result was left painkiller free;in what was now a rather loud-head banging off the bars-kicking out at everyone writhing agony for six hours in resus,not even a paracetemol.
was so pissed off that there were tons of abusive drunks coming in getting medical treatment straight away when their problem came about from their own selfishness and foolishness.

 finaly,after six hours,was taken to the acute admissions ward and had own private room;the size was wheel chair friendly.
was still in agony,was in and out of concioucness to from the pain.
was hooked up to a IV of fluid and a vial of antibiotics day and night.
thankfuly at some point,some kind sod took pity and after realising codeine and paracetemol werent helping in the slightest,was prescribed oramorph [morphine, in a pink liquid form which they put in the syringe and shoot it into mouth].
oh dear god this was relief....it didnt get rid of it completely but was no longer wishing for suicide.

unfortunately the hospital is a teaching hospital so was constantly attracting students who see us as a criteria of symptoms and not a person being force fed their eye contact and crowding around stance.
felt like a fucking zoo animal.
they kept asking staff if its here that the problem is,jesus fucking christ on a bike how many times do they have to repeat yes why cant they go catch up with other doctors to get their answers instead of subjecting us patients to worsening pain?
this patient had run out of patience.

because of having a routine of only eating in the same place, that concept in head does not change-was not able to eat in hospital for days until the hospital had become a routine environment, up until the last few days was in hospital, was harassed everyday over and over why am refusing to eat food and how bad it is for health, having gone years without eating and getting to the point was unknowingly given the label of anorexia and was about to get a feeding tube fitted,am certainly not going to be changed by staff who didnt have a fuckign clue what autism can be like.
the special dietry needs of mine also werent taken into consideration although they said they woud be,they have no problem with halal diets because they made a point of saying this,weird how a belief is accepted as more of a priority than a need.

some of the staff were incredibly understanding and were very nice,they made it a lot easier being in hospital.the oramorph is the other thing that helped get through it to-both for the pain it finaly got rid of and the fact it removed the reality from the situation.
unfortunately [in some ways] for em, they discovered one of the main reasons was crippled with pain was codeine, the codeine had caused such severe constipation for weeks that bowel was close to bursting and it was putting a lot of pressure on bladder;there had been talk of a catheter if it carried on that way for much longer.
they removed the co codomol and oramorph and was in absolute agony,was passing out from pain again.
they gave movicol which was totaly useless then picolax,picolax is supposed to completely empty the bowel.completely and quickly.
the consultant was shocked when he came back in the evening and nothing had happened,was given another sachet of the manky stuff and by the next day that toilet got a battering again and again... and again.

it was relief when had finaly lost it,but was still in pain, they found had also had a kidney infection to.
after over a week in hospital,was released yesterday/friday night,exhausted,weak and in pain,and now have found out today the consultant has stopped all codeine products of mine completely- no withdrawal period and no alternatives given apart from paracetemol which is fucking useless and doesnt work on pain of mine and feels like an insult at minimizing what em experience.
to add insult to it all,the monthlies of mine has just started today after having been kept absent for over a month by this serious bout of constipation,yay pain.

seriously what doctor woud do this,stop an addictive product that have been on for years without any withdrawal program?
am already on a withdrawal program for it with GP, so this really takes the piss...or shit.
am only going to resort to dangerous measures to fight having it removed if he thinks am going to take having no control of own body and withdrawal easy.


so am sat here,in pain; had gone mental in hospital when the oramorph worn off and was suddenly alert and aware of the environment/situation-ended up smashing head in multiple times off the bed railings and am sporting a swolen head injury and shitty horrible monthly pains.
fuck this shit.literaly.

nick griffin thinks of molesting a woman when hearing of the public violence she went through

havent been on here or team LD for a while,because am really suffering from severe mental illness at the moment and am waiting on medication for it.


was just linked to a twitter thread,and found nick griffin; the mp in charge of the BNP party in the UK getting hounded for an absolute piss poor comment about the very public throat strangling/abuse of nigela lawson from her husband.

nick griffin is a neo nazi with vicious anti disabled beliefs so am having a bit of a laugh reading some of the comments towards him.

anyway,heres heres his comment:

If I had the opportunity to squeeze Nigella Lawson, her throat wouldn't be my first choice.

comedys biggest disablist bigot and attention seeking failiure since jim davidson is even getting a free ride on the back of nick griffins bullshit,fair play to him though its pretty damn funny-

Frankie Boyle ‏@frankieboyle 17 Jun

@nickgriffinmep You're probably used to squeezing the women you sleep with to deflate them

heres the other funniest replies have seen so far-

 Matt Whatsit ‏@mattwhatsit 17 Jun

“@nickgriffinmep: If I had the opportunity to squeeze Nigella Lawson, her throat wouldn't be my first choice.” You cunt.

 tim ‏@timyawn 17 Jun

u sick ugly old fuck @nickgriffinmep

 Sweary Mary ‏@missprofanity 17 Jun

This vile cunt > @nickgriffinmep seems to think domestic abuse is funny. You are a shit stain on society. Just fuck all the way off.

 Margo Milne ‏@MargoJMilne 17 Jun

.@nickgriffinmep You repulsive slimy waste of skin. I shivered when I read that.

Scott Jones ‏@ScottJonesy 17 Jun

@nickgriffinmep if I had the opportunity to squeeze you i would do it by using a fucking bus to run over you. Odious scum.

 John O'Sullivan ‏@Newsagentprovoc 17 Jun

@nickgriffinmep You look like a spastic Michael Aspel

 Lisa ‏@BiscuitAhoy 17 Jun

@Tim_Indulgence @Lizzing @nickgriffinmep You utterly abhorrent, fuckfaced, racist, misogynistic, completely charmless bag of tripe.

 Leader of Anonymous ‏@SatanSek 17 Jun

Haha! @nickgriffinmep Good one ya wonky eyed fat prick. :-).

isnt twitter great for learning swearing/insults?

attended a autism awareness month bash

was at a autism awareness month event yesterday in a huge library in manchester.
had been told about it by someone from SS/learning disability services last week so had to go check it out.

their idea behind it is one which will never understand they called it a living library.
all the people taking part in it [wasnt one of them by the way!] were either young,teen or adult autistic,a specialist of some sort such as SALTs,parents of autistic people,and the other side was represented by any person at all-whether it be some random person taking a nosy after buying books or an autistic person,or a parent,or some pervert off the street who happened to be interested in autism.

we parked in the disabled bay outside the library and was using the wheelchair but some son of bitch in charge of the area construction/ planning had done a whoopsy and forgotten to build a drop kerb,was fully paralysed from the waist down at that time so was not going to be any help.
a very kind man who had been on the other side of the wide street had saw staff struggling and helped them lift us up onto the kerb,so yeah-thanks to that irish man,a local woud never do such a thing.

was wearing the peltor optime III ear defenders and the padded helmet,as was wheeled inside,a gaggle of females looked at self,then looked at each other and burst out into some godawful squeeling and laughter, they woudnt have been laughing if they got a smack in their faces with those ear defenders given the weight of them!  wasnt in the mood for a fight that day was to interested in getting in the lift to this awareness shindig,pity those chavvy girls hadnt walked into the autism awareness event to and develop themselves a bit of understanding.

the room it was in was packed,it was very popular.
em and staff as well as the learning disability pysch who had recommended the event were sat with em and we got to know a guy who has autism,dyslexia and dyspraxia,it was interesting to hear how different he has experienced life in terms of how he has been treated and bullying issues,have never known autists like ourselves who can communicate sentances via any means necessary so it was very nice to hear autism from another view.
was communicating with him via a PECS booklet of mine as the sis had forgotten the proper PECS book at her house last week and only just managed to bring it today.
was having to slowly point to each letter on the booklet,and staff woud speak it,hate using the alphabet to speak out as it is so slow for everyone else to follow,wish had took the netbook instead.

though he isnt involved in the autistic community or forums, have got his email address-he is the first friend have ever had outside of residential care!!

gaining some freedom in the great outdoors

its sunday and am having to stay an extra night at dads as our place has got no drivers on due to sickness.

dad finaly bought the wheelchair today as well,its a wheeltech enigma XS metalic blue wheelie,its used but its infinitely better quality than a brand new generic cheap wheelie on ebay.
bought it from a company which employs a large number of disabled people on their refurb and sales team,it was actualy one of the reasons had deliberately looked through their store- http://stores.ebay.co.uk/Brighter-Future-Mobility-Equipment?_rdc=1

comes with the extra large cushion seen above.

am finaly going to be able to access the community...no more being left paralysed on the floor from the arch enemy of mine;complete todds paralysis,triggered by severe epilepy and sensory overload.
am really looking forward to gaining some basic freedom instead of having to relie on the car,thats why am a fat bastard....well that and drinking a shit ton of redbull.

addicted to a ipad sensory app

borrowed a fellow residents ipad the other night,he has the most basic one as its only used for proloquo2go.
staff put on some sensory and AAC apps-all free!!!  and these are..... well theyre just amazing.

was sat playing with one from afternoon/eve till night time,it is serious sensory seeking stuff and woud recommend it to anyone,still cant work out what its called because a google search for the name on the ipad seems to come up with a load of other shit.

anyway,thanks to the power of this laptop webcam and guvcview,had filmed the app in use;as close up as possible,it looks far,far awesome on screen than in this video and woud recommend everyone autistic or not give it a go because several support staff were addicted to it this evening and theyre as non autistic as people can get.
*click here to display video*

 

now,am in need of a bit of help.

does anyone reading this know a bit about these touch screen tablets?

have been desperate for one since proloquo first went into development but am even more so desperate for one now,and have been shown that android has its fair share of AAC and sensory apps to,so am thinking of getting an android cheapy tablet.

one staff however,has been really negative of these android ones; he says unless are able to get the likes of samsungs nexus then its possible will end up getting one with a shit screen.

am not sure what to think...being a newbie to this technology,he is an apple fanboy and has more money than sense [hell,he is a glory hunter and changes his football team when theyre in the dirt quicker than his underpants which says a lot], so fellow autist and non autists.... please help, are the cheaper android tablets perfectly useable?

am liking the nabi-
http://www.ebuyer.com/414190-nabi-2-tablet-pc-nabi2-nv7a-ukhttp://www.ebuyer.com/414190-nabi-2-tablet-pc-nabi2-nv7a-uk
its designed for youngsters and has a thick rubber casing and can take a real battering off toddlers so that comes in handy, but we found a even cheaper one-
http://www.ebuyer.com/407319-sumvision-cyclone-voyager-tablet-pc-cycvoy7
this is a unknown brand one,the specs kickass and the reviews are very positive,coud get one of these and a good protective case maybe.

what does everyone think?


n/b. havent got the money yet,but this is being planned..other people just dont know that yet.

autism talent

though havent been able to listen to music for years, have come across a new singer/music artiste/artiste/artist? whatever they call em who seems very worthy of rating on TRA.

he is kyle coleman-
http://kylecoleman.co.uk/
a UK based classic autistic; born non verbal but developed full speech as common with most so called HFAs [so called, because am not a fan of how we are lumped into one or the other when human functioning does not work like that],one of the therapies he was given was music therapy,it allowed him to get where he is today with music,he is also supported by the national autistic society though am not sure if that means he is a service user of theirs or not.


please feel free to reply with a story of own experiences,or the websites of any autistic people;eg- if theyre artists,work with animals or do any other form of skill.
am interested in profiling what we can do here,regardless of where we lie on the spectrum or what functioning we get stuck on us based on the same old stereotyping.

abuse against autistic people in care

where is the trades description actt when theyre needed? there is a care agency in america but guess what....there is no care involved,now where have we heard that before? definitely on this blog many times.
itd be more suitable to call it a abuse-and-take-advantage-of-vulnerable-adults agency but that woud be a bit of a mouthful considering they are using those to abuse the shit out of their paying clients.

want to see what am on about?  have a read here-
http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/152814/hidden_cameras_catch_autistic_man

the man in question is cameron,he is an autistic man with a very limited mental and verbal capacity,he has full time support needs but is able to live in the community/his own home.
this is where jay nolan community services comes in,they are paid to support cameron have the best quality of life possible.
unfortunately that isnt what they did,they disgustingly took advantage of this mans inability to express/communicate and did everything from booting him hard over and over,beating him,spitting at him,stripping him naked and threatening him with an air gun etc,cameron lived in fear for his life every day and was not able to express it.

the parents had began to notice signs of abuse,cameron was showing fear of the staff,so the parents rigged his place with hidden cameras which finaly caught these pyschopathic pricks targeting someone who coudnt fight back on their level,absolute fucking cowards!!

the parents saw the tapes,and reported it,then the agency attempted to break into camerons house to get the tapes and destroy them.
this company needs to be brought down,and every single coward involved in the direct or indirect abuse of their clients be brought to justice.
how dare these wasters be labeled under our species,throw them out with the rest of the rubbish.

hopefuly cameron has not developed a fear/mistrust of staff as a result of this abuse, like mine; which had been caused by severe neglect, physical abuse, mental abuse,sensory abuse and sexual abuse whilst in the last residential service.
unfortunately they tried to blame the autism;saying am to low functioning to understand the reality,though they denied the autism for long enough when it suited them- because was able to turn on a computer.

honestly hope cameron gets a lot of money out of this, and it goes towards helping him build a better life for himself away from these sons of bitches.

a sanctuary facebook page is now open

have made a facebook organisation page for the horse and pony sanctuary- please if have got any time can anyone spare a bit of their facebooking time to 'like' the page,as am trying to get the sanctuary as much attention as possible-
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hasty-Lane-Horse-And-Pony-Sanctuary/630498450310377

thanks.

the description is basic generic stuff at the moment because need to ask david what he wants on it,the cover image is going to change to.

hasty lane horse and pony sanctuary

meet some new friends of mine,they are residents of cheshires newest support for animals in need; hasty lane horse and pony sanctuary.

there are also two sheep but they have sneaked under the fence and joined the herd of sheep in the farmers field next door,so the buggers are going to have to be dragged back again.
the owner built all of the stables himself and even though he has a job as well he has totaly dedicated his life and money to looking after them.

a website for the sanctuary is being made at the moment,had offered to build one but its already in the making,hopefuly itll have a paypal option set up so people can donate.

am making some name plates for the stables with dad this weekend as there are none on the stables and its impossible to know who is who unless have got a working memory,not that the ponies care as they love wandering in to each others house to steal food.

dad wants to go help out with the DIY/building side as well.


if anyone wants to help in any way possible,post a comment and will get the owner to contact.