the effects of temazepam

its new years eve and every autistic and animal knows what that means -fireworks.
am armed with temazepam and had been given one some time ago,feel wasted on it and am going to have a cat nap right now,hopefuly sleep past the fireworks from those who feel they have to share their asda value packet of rockets with the rest of us early...oh joy.

this is a photo of what am looking like right now-no kitty unfortunately because theyre in hiding from the fireworks to-

wish they woud prescribed the damn stuff for night time to.

broken

after writing the other post about goldie on monday,never thought this woud hapen.

goldie came through the night on monday and staff phoned dad up to find out how she was,oh she had a comfortable night...he says,she was even improving though because of part of her brain being destroyed; her balance was all over the place.

had hoped to go home on monday night even though she wasnt there as it woud have felt closer to her,but mum was blaming herself badly because dad was very nasty to her blaming her for an accident-forgetting to shut the cubord door,which allowed goldie to go in and go under the bath,get onto the kitchen ceiling and slip and hit her head on the sink.
blame is easy but he really let rip on her and poor mum ended up necking a bottle of whisky so was not able to go home.

on tuesday morning,after staff phoning dad for that good report,he went to visit her.
the vet had padded all the walls in the big cage she was in to make sure she coudnt hurt herself,she had been given steroids the night before in the hope itd stimulate her brain and morphine to help with pain,she had an IV in her leg well bandaged up to make sure it didnt get pulled out.

dad and the vet took goldie out on to the vet table to look at her and goldie was lying down because of her balance.
dad was hugging her and stroking her and goldie started purring and lifting her head up for some signature goldie 'triple prong head rubs' as they were called by the bro in law.

they were discussing what to do with goldie,and the vet said she coud transfer goldie to the animal hospital to have an MRI scan but as a cat lover and owner herself she woudnt do it because it woud put a lot of stress on goldie transfering her there,she also coudnt have sedation,and the MRI woud only be able to say what was wrong-not solve anything,she said it cost two fousand pounds.

suddenly,goldies eyes closed,she stopped purring and her head dropped.
she was gone.


dad phoned the house manager to pass it on,had been coming to find her at the time to see if coud go home to visit goldie,thinking she woud be home that day,she said yes am able to go home but goldies gone away and am going to have to help bury her.
almost fainted so quickly dropped to the floor against the wall to avoid that.
manager sat down with em and gave a bear hug and went through the information.

a very rare sight that only ever happens when a animal goes away happened to- water started coming out of eyes and soaking trousers and the manager said it was called crying and its very normal for other people to do that when people they love go away.
-its been doing the same thing for most of the evening and night since getting back from mums.

do not usualy have any money but luckily was told have just been given a DLA bonus and due to the shock had used it to buy a sugar filled mocha and caramel starbucks frapachino and a boquet of purple flowers,as goldie loved hiding in flowers.

ended up spending some time in the room with her,feeling her and stroking her as this helps to understand she really is gone away,there was no sign of any injuries,no blood.
she was still warm so held her until she got cold to make sure it wasnt a mistake or something.
em cut a piece of furr of her and am going to stick it on a photo of her as a visual reminder.

we buried her out the back with all the other cats like twinkle, fluffybum, billy and lottie,mum went out to the shopping when we did that because she is really blaming herself.
had took the best looking bauble from the christmas tree-a gold one with a gold ridged pattern on it and hung it on the grave marker; gold to represent the smartest strangest funniest cat in the house,and had put the boquet of flowers on her grave.



so thats what happened,feel like shit,another best friend is gone.
miss her badly.

goldie is seriously ill

just had some terrible news pased on before.
goldie;a precious ex feral feline baby of mine who lives in the family home is currently in the vets intensive care.

some pillock had left the bath cubord door unlocked and she had managed to get under the bath in the bathroom upstairs and due to rotting wood there is a hole that leads down onto the kitchen ceiling.
the kitchen ceiling tiles are not very stable enough to support the weight of a cat on them and poor goldie fell through banging her head and ribs on the sink-biscuit has got through that hole several times-once we had to fetch her down and the other time she fell through but luckily was not injured, have asked dad to get it sorted out many times but he is the type who puts everything off.

part of her brain has been damaged and she has cracked a rib with some lung damage,she is on morphine and it wasnt looking good earlier on.

they have done a body scan,what they thought was lung damage they now think its lung cancer.

am hoping so much that she comes through this tonight,and her cancer has been detected early enough to be fixed,a support staff made a good point its a good thing she is in the vets though as they woud never have discovered the cancer.

the poor girl has enough problems-renal dysfunction,digestive problems which makes her feel unwell and make almost all types of food go straight through her,she has to have ipakitine powder added to her food every meal which is for kidney/renal failiure and a specialist renal diet which she absolutely hates the taste of and will beat the other cats away from their normal food to get a taste.

luckily mum and dads vet allows long term/reliable customers to pay off the costs in bits, please all root for goldie and pray for her to come through if religeous.

-very recent photo of goldie.

the auntie business is going well

yup.
am really not into humans and all,but do have a bit of an atachment thing to the nieces of mine,being honest it was never there in the first place its something that feels un natural but have got an instinct to protect them-am like that with any vulnerable group.

they came to visit today with the sis and mum.
am still shocked that people actualy like being in company of mine because have grown up being resented,bullied and abused by people; orla; who is two in april,loves being with auntie em and she goes crazy when she finds out she is coming-its amazing that she doesnt even notice the padded helmet; she loves taking it off em and wearing it,and she has never once wondered what the cuts on arm were;even when they were still covered in dried blood.

she is a superb little niece and is mega inteligent she was changing herself,recognising language-and coming back with whatever items people were saying a long time ago-it aint the daddys side shes getting that from though,thats for sure. :P
she loves making fart noises and getting auntie em to do them though am told off by her mammy.

she loves seeing the chickens every time she comes here as well and wont go home without seeing them.
today one of the residents; a fully verbal guy who isnt autistic but is diagnosed as such because the assessment was with the family who spoke no english-he has mental health issues and learning disability,and he comes up right outside bedroom window of mine which is on the ground floor-whilst mum is stood there with orla in her arms looking out, and he really agresively bared his teeth at orla and stuck his fingers up at her [the backward v sign].

-this is the guy am bullied by and sometimes sexualy abused but of course its not bullying or sexual abuse because hes 'the mental capacity of a baby',as if-em respect other peoples opinions on it but a guy who is able to write better than all the staff, is high functioning, fluent in complex urdu language and speaks english,and behaves like an adult in front of em when no staff are there has mental capacity of a baby,in own view its an insult to adults who really do have that mental capacity because they do not have the skills he has and it makes light of their struggles.

anyway-am losing the point,em made sure he knew was not pleased with his behavior and he quickly apologised to orla and mum.

onto the other niece- caoimhe,fuck knows what possessed the sister to give her a difficult name for other kids to say when she is in school; but its said like: 'kee-vah'.
she was being in a good mood today but yesterday she had a load of injections so those will soon be affecting the young lady.
she seems to be accepting em a lot more now and am interacting with her more,and holding her now without her screaming,she seems to want to be held by em which is a change,am not able to wear padded helmet around her though because it freaks her out,it must be all the colours dont think they have full vision at her sort of age yet.

here are some pics the sis took today-

also,dad had been extremely kind and while he was up near pets at home the other day with sister he went in to see if they sold any chickie food as the chickens have all been surviving on porridge only for several weeks now which is very wrong.
dad used his own money to buy a huge sack of it- coudnt believe it was the top of the range stuff; dodson and horrell,they do awesome horse feeds and equipment;

am very greatful to him and mum for helping with the chickens,originaly the company said they were going to be paying for everything-they paid for one sack of feed and that was it from what remember,one of the managers then manipulated a ban on the chickens being allowed to free range on the grass so theyre never allowed out,they woudnt comprimise in any form so if they arent going to comprimise then em aint going to respect their rule.

this particular manager tried to say last week to one staff am not allowed to feed the chickens any food from in the house as its or 'the other residents only'-so thats why staff eat it as well then? also found it offensive because em only eat one meal a day and do not eat any porridge or cereals which is what was giving the chickens- em pay money and get funded towards that food so they can fuck right off if they think am going to be letting everyone eat on ems funding.the manager of our building put a stop to her rule quickly.

she is trying to get em to move them to the farm where em woud never be able to go apart from once every few weeks,she does not like animals at all and hates their noises, tough shit.
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control freakism vs needing control to feel safe

the profoundly autistic lady living here is her worst enemy-she drives herself crazy with want for control over others,it wakes her up at night over and over and over-tells her to go close a door,or the washing machine door,or something else that a person has moved because she doesnt want to feel like she is having that control stripped away.
-she will fight all day and night to get her own way with controling something or someone.

can totaly understand how it feels because there are certain things that have to do at night to make sure that feel safe-eg, making sure washing machine and dryer doors are open,with the lights on outside bedroom door-unfortunately she wants to control it so she will come down constantly to close them and turn the lights off.
we fight over this but its like a full moon to one of those hairy dog things when she is on her blood time/monthlies it makes her go that one step further.

well,its not even light yet dont know time but tito and kanner have just started cockreling and was in the washing machine room having a look for a fluffy sock,she unfortunately did not like someone opening the machine doors but this is emma she is fucking with-am not the type to back down from someone trying to take away that feeling of safety.
so had hands in the washing machine fiddling with the clothes thinking she woud get bored-wrong.
she kept attacking trying to dig her nails in to tear up flesh,and banging her head against mine which triggered fight reflex-ended up head butting and she went off.
have got a cut on head and a head ache,on top of that have not slept at all tonight nor the night before because she is the room above mine and she cannot walk;she stomps heavy footedly more than self.
>loud creaky bed...stomp stomp stomp-ceiling creaking like its going to fall through...drawer slam open,drawer slam shut....stomp stomp stomp...noisy bedroom door open;noisy bedroom door slam very loudly shut...stomps down stairs,bangs all the doors, changes anything anyone has put how they want it,stomps back up all the doors banging...drawers slamming open then slamming shut,throws her body into creaking bed....repeat this entire sequence over and over from night time till day light.

am fucking wrecked, and at lunch time the sis and nieces and mum are coming for a visit.....uuugghhhh...going to see if can stay at theirs for a bit of sleep today.

got some time to spare? help learning disability research

on a learning disability forum am on,a fellow user who is in her final year [?] on her pyschology masters degree and she is currently doing very interesting research into learning disability via the use of a survey.
this part of her research is focusing on peoples perception/understanding of learning disabled people and pretty much everyone with an ASD and/or learning disability or SpLD will have been misunderstood,wrongly treated,prejudged perhaps abused and neglected throughout their life because of other peoples perceptions of them and their disabilities so it makes for very interesting research and have asked kara if it woud be ok to post the survey here to help her and she has agreed,she will also give the results of her research to.
any group can take part in the survey ,whether learning disabled,have a learning disabled child or none of those.
have also added a strike through on the email addresses to make sure spam bots dont pick them up.

this is the intro for her survey:

I am a fourth year BSc Psychology Undergraduate student at Glasgow Caledonian University and I am conducting a study to fulfill the requirements of my empirical project module. The purpose of this study is to investigate differences in people’s perceptions of learning disabilities. The study is particularly interested at whether familiarity, education and level of severity of the disability can affect adult’s perceptions of learning disabilities. I am looking for participants to take part in my study who are 18 or over and of any background regarding the level of experience with learning disabilities and level of education. If you are willing to participate, this will involve completing a short survey which will take no longer than 20 minutes. Further information about the study is provided by clicking on the following link below or contact me on kmcgre18@caledonian.ac.uk http://edu.surveygizmo.com/s3/1081705/Perceptions-of-Learning-Disabilities When completing the survey you will not be required give your name or any personal details and your answers will be treated confidentially and anonymously. Also, if you decide to take part you are still free to not answer all the questions and withdraw at any time by closing the webpage.

My supervisor is Dr Josie Williams and she may be contacted if you have any questions or queries by josie.williams@gcu.ac.uk

Thank you for your time reading this, I hope you will be able to help!

link again:
 http://edu.surveygizmo.com/s3/1081705/Perceptions-of-Learning-Disabilities
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new medication and mental health woes

had a visit from the ld services pyschiatrist last week,he is adding on another cymbalta pill but says he wont add any more circadin [the only form of melatonin licenced in the UK and only for certain groups; over fifties due to melatonin getting less and autistics/learning disabled due to our lifelong lack of melatonin] -am on tew mg of circadin and he said because the doseage originaly worked adding more wont do any good,he said need to take a break from the circadin for a month and then restart because body has got used to it,however one of the teenagers who used to live here was on a shit ton of melatonin,they just added another everytime his body got used to it.

staff said circadin is probably a stronger strength to normal melatonin,havent got a clue dont understand the scientific stuff about it on the wikiepedia-anyone else know if its exactly the same as over the counter melatonin,or stronger?

from tomorow am starting on the extra cymbalta and starting the month break from circadin.

however the pysch still has never understood the pyschosis which varies all over the place in severity and awareness,he kept saying it was due to level of autism and lacking understanding and communication to say whats going on and the pyschosis symptoms was the minds way of getting it out,however em dont think its fair that have had to live for several years[?] now in fear of cameras in the walls and ceiling,believing staff and family are not who they say they are and are here to harm em,seeing gigantic spiders fall on self and feeling the crawling all over skin,and when very severe had no aware of the pyschosis being pyschosis at all;it was reality to self,was attacking support staff,barricading self inside room,trying to smash way out of the building etc,nearly ended up sectioned.

it really isnt fair that because am under the legal authority of others and in residential care am not able to be prescribed medication in the same way someone who was not autistic and learning/intelectualy disabled and lived in the community woud have been given medication to help their pyschosis,people who live in the community and are high functioning do not have every mental health issue of theirs turned into an expression of their communication difficulties and thus pointless to medicate.

it also doesnt help that the previous manager here,who was sacked for fucking money of mine up for over a year [am still in debt as they never managed to get them wrote off] was an absolute arsehole when it came to understanding the mental health issues of mine because he had a pyschology degree and said he was a pyschologist, he woud say things like am not suicidal because he has known many suicidal people and they do this/dont do that,he assumed pyschosis is always at the same severity and we never have awareness, if it wasnt for world mental health day last year [or year before?] and sister promoting her counsiling up at a world mental health day dropin near our end she woud never have called around and found em catatonic with severe major depressive disorder and pyschosis,had actualy had a gp appointment made many times but this manager woud cancel it every time so he coud do something non urgent for other service users because em require two to one support for appointment stuff.

sister forced them to rebook it that day and was diagnosed but had already stolen a load of tablets and was going to take them because was in so much head pain was at point ,when we got back the manager looked at sister,she told him what had been diagnosed with,gave him the medications and walked off without saying one word,the nobhead didnt like being wrong.

because that manager was in authority of em,and because he was deluded to believe he was a pyschologist with a pyschology degree-he gave the pyschiatrist his opinion disguised as the reality of mine,what symptoms em had etc,no notes of mine have ever included anything about the pyschosis because he believed em had watched a tv program with spiderss in and that that had caused halucinations,he said people who hate spiders often think theyre seeing them; only thing is em love spiders.

this is where the problem lies,all pysch notes of mine given by that manager feature only his opinion and nothing about pyschosis as he didnt believe it,so the pyschiatrist said that none of the notes suggest its pyschosis on friday,the manager had even told him em looked it up on wikipedia and diagnosed self with it and the pysch mentioned it-am diagnosed with it by a doctor and woud never self diagnose.

am sorry for making such a long post,but does anyone out there know how em woud be able to get help with the pyschosis?

the gp had seen who originaly diagnosed it had specialised in MH stuff but was unable to prescribe any medications for it until getting the word off the pyschiatrist.

apart from key worker who is the only person who has been supportive with this,they always assume just because em dont tell them have had halucinations or have not made it clear to others am seeing cameras or thinking theyre people sent to harm em-that am not having the symptoms,but when em did have the awareness to tell them, they woud shrug it off and it makes it feel like they think its not happening or they dont care.

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support staff troubles

a very nice scouse support staff/keyworker of mine who is suffering from pregnancy dementia at the moment was trying to ask another support staff; who doesnt like doing stuff or going outdoors- if he woud make em porridge so we can go and give it to the chickens [and of course tuck the darlings in bed for the night].

unfortunately due to pregnancy dementia,the staff fucked it up a bit and said 'porridge,please can go make emma some [namecensoredtoavoidbeingdraggedintheoffice] for the chickens'.

aparently he finds it very offensive to be called porridge and didnt speak to her very nicely,so am pleased to say he has had his name changed to porridge now and this person will be forever known as porridge.

he was a tosser this evening,he made em feel like a burden on support staff because had to go and feed the chickens and make sure their beds were clean and they had water.

he said it isnt fair on staff because they have to go outdoors as well when am out feeding the chickies,he said the chickens dont need cleaning or hugging and kissing,showed him what had wrote-

'am terribly sorry for being born disabled and requiring support staff,this is ems life and they are pets of mine which em only get to see once a day and they need looking after',

he went up stairs and asked a pregnant staff to come outside with em instead,was glad anyway because get on really well with her.

some people are just hypocrites,they say that em need to try and come to them for help more but when actualy do they throw a fuckin paddy about how unfair it is on their life to have to help em,why do they even bother becoming support staff if they only want to do the good bits. it is very easy to see the difference between those who become support staff because its a job,and those who become a support staff because its in their nature to care!

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farewell to an old friend

one of the days this week,possibly thursday,had done something unimaginable.
for many years,parents,sister,support staff and random people have been going on about the very long fringe that was at the sides of eyes,it went lower than head and due to its ginger properties it was far to thick.

as a young child,had realised the fringe was able to block the pain and panic from the eyes of beings or pictures/posters so it acted like blinkers on a horse,and from then on it became a permenent fixture,woud never ever allow anyone to touch them,they were a part of self. at the same time,they caused acute sensory issues and was constantly scratching skin off because the hair was always flying about rubbing skin,it also affects the use of padded helmets am not able to wear them full time because of the sensory issues of the fringe making skin feel horrible.

so this week,had came to the decision to get them clipped off,and clipped off they were-am now a skin head as support staff had to go over the rest of head with the clippers because she said it wasnt at the same level as where the fringe was.

the pyschiatrist visited that day because of the mental health worsening and from questions he was asking its clear he thought had done a 'britney spears'. am now free from an almost lifetime of this routine,and am now able to wear padded helmets full time without having to take them off for sensory issues.

this was em and one of the cochin chucks yesterday [friday] before coming to mums-

and this is what hair looked like last night [with boomer added in for good measure]-

mum was back on the drink when came to stay on friday and she predictibly went crazy about it-even though for many years she has being trying to cut them off! she hates short hair and thinks she can control other peoples hair, personaly speaking do not give a damn about the actual hair have not got any value or hold on mine like so many non autistic people [especialy females it seems] do,hair is only there to give people warmth,its crazy that people- including the bro in law spends a lot of money on getting their hair slightly made differently when the damn thing will grow out of it soon anyway.

and why do people flip their shit about hair,especialy if its gone to short like mine or someones hair cut gone wrong, hair grows back quick enough unless have got a balding problem,people need to stop giving a shit what others think of them.


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some good firefox addons-learning disabled friendly

the other day,had spent a lot of time just browsing firefox add ons and found some which have really helped with issues such as understanding language, and removing comments which have 'retard' written in them because am not in the best mental state to cope with it right now.
had originaly been looking for a addon which coud change language to symbols-in the same way the company widgit once did with a now discontinued browser of theirs but it seems no one has made one as yet.


anyway,incase anyone else hasnt seen these before and woud benefit from them-

comment snob: http://www.chrisfinke.com/addons/comment-snob/
this addon allows people to censor any words they want,if are not a fan of seeing learning disability slurs like retard constantly then its a good one to add.

kitadic: http://kita.springnote.com/pages/33913
kitadic is amazing,am able to put the mouse over a word hold ctrl and left click it gives an easy read definition of what the word means.

flashblock: http://flashblock.mozdev.org/
left sensory/information overloaded by flash videos that automaticaly load? photosensitive epileptic? install flashblock,it stops any videos from loading including any flash ads and requires one click in the middle of it to load it,very useful.

interclue: https://addons.mozilla.org/en-us/firefox/addon/interclue/
to trusting of links? assume people are being truthful? this addon is very helpful it gives a screenshot of the site behind each link when hovering over the link as well as information about it.

quicknote: http://quicknote.mozdev.org/
shit short term memory? quick note does the job for when anything pops up in head that needs writing down, it has a little icon at the top of the browser so it is easily accessed.

some changes to the blog

just posting to say have now changed the comments so that they do not need to go through moderation,this hasnt stopped the spam so have now changed it to being fully open but requiring CAPTCHA,am assuming spam bots cant do CAPTCHA.

if anyone who wants to comment but struggles to use CAPTCHA ,please let know and will change the settings again.

also,one other point, if anyone struggles to read the blog due to any colours;  or  font sizes,please post what sort of colours/font size etc that find useable,want to make sure this blog is accessible as possible to everyone.

standing up to a bully

one of the lads am living with is a bully,he bullys the profoundly autistic lad and the profoundly autistic lady because they have very limited communication and dont know how to defend themselves.

if staff attention is not on him constantly and he has the chance he twists the lads ear until it bleeds because he starts shouting which gets staff to come in and sit with him.

he hits the lady if he isnt getting his own way,he will throw food at them to and generaly takes advantage of them alot.
because am not the type to watch bullying of those closest to self [having an alcoholic parent and lifelong severe bullying does that to a person],will step in and protect them however he is very sneaky and waits for the moment no one is in the room with them.

its awful on the staff because they have to be around him constantly to make sure he isnt bullying anyone,they have to get out of bed in the morning when its still dark as he gets up early and goes into the lads room to attack him purely because no one is up giving him attention and doing this gets staff up.

it is very wrong that a bully is allowed to stay in a residential home; especialy when there are people who cannot even fight back,and everyone knows this;theyre trying to get him moved to a place of his own.
the other point had started this for,am bullied by him to,no one likes to admit it though because they dont realise how damaging it is to self-it isnt physical or abuse; though have been sexualy abused by him several times before.
he knows am sent into severe information and sensory overload if he stands there in face shouting something over and over and over and over and over...its been so bad some times it has triggered seizures,am sent into shutdown mode from it and suffering from post overload symptoms when waking up.

he uses this as a way to bully and he will constantly do it through the day so am never coming out of bedroom if he is staying here or will only come out when he has gone, he thinks by doing what he does,am asleep and the attention then goes onto him but most staff will make him go and sit on his own if he does that.

today,had only just come out of bedroom for the first time and he started his shouting,he was staring directly while he did it;ended up punching him in the face and some fierce vocal noise came out of nowhere- it worked because he no longer does it...for now.
am more fucked off by the fact some staff [not manager,in case she is reading this and gets wrong idea] let him do it and when em react theyre babying him and making em the bad guy in this.
am not going to be anyones victim and if that means sticking up for self am going to do it.



one other thing to make,have started doing blog posts with an awesome blog client called blogilo,was never able to get it working ages ago but have found out how to set it up and now its working,dont know how to stop it makeing big spaces between sentances though,will have to work that one out,woud recommend having a look at blogilo,think its on windows to but am not sure,its for the KDE desktop environment but works with others to,installed KDE netbook version on mine at the weekend which is pretty awesome,doesnt look as nice but wasnt able to install full kde for some silly reason,this isnt a damn netbook but looks like one,will have to give full kde a go;with the plasma effect and everything.
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marriage will be next

biscuit likes to whore herself out a lot to any passing tom cat but if a tom tries to get close to her she screams and causes a lot of drama.
anyway there was one night recently,when had sneaked in the room and found biscuit and boomer cuddling up together,quickly got dads camera out to get a photo as no one woud have believed it.
it is thought boomer had managed to creep his way in quietly as biscuit woudnt have allowed that if she was awake.

here they are caught in the act-

special olympics club

am finaly a fully fledged special olympics athelete.
staff cant remember which club it is we are going to without looking because we have quite a few around us,but am assuming its cheshire east.
found out that the majority of this clubs current members are wheelchair and power chair users but they are always looking for able bodied atheletes.
we wont get to start until january though as they have introduction training at several points throughout the year.

will be going with one other service user,it costs money but am going to be making sacrifices to pay for that as it gives something to work towards,plus hopefuly lose weight because am a fat bastard and wont ever be going near horses without losing it first.

its took long enough to join,the owner of the other cheshire club we were signing up for went on annual leave then holiday and never got back,only found out coming back from mums today that the other club had contacted.

depression

this is one thing that dont talk about often but am severely clinicaly depressed with added pyschosis ontop,and unfortunately within the past few weeks at the least the cymbalta has stopped working...mostly.

the depression had been triggered by the severe online bullying had recieved from a particular individual with borderline PD and pyschopathic narcissism if am correct in remembering his original un bullshitted diagnosis list.

the doctor said the pyschosis was due to the depression having been left untreated for so long,the autism has a huge impact on how em experiences it and how its recognised by others.

this week has been the worst,had stolen as many prescription codeine tablets as coud sneak out whilst being brught back home,and necked them all later on.
the week before had also done the same at home making sure no one knew; though they all were having a go because was wanting to go to bed instead of stay up with the nieces of mine,and they also said eyes were badly swollen,luckily they didnt find out.
am desperate to go away.

 the overdose this week was unfortunatelty found out as apparently was found out of it on the bed and they had searched trousers and found the empty pack.
they got paramedics out,and the manager came in with one staff to sit with em through this,they did tests and stuff here, but said had to go hospital and that was not going to happen whether under staff or police restraint.
so was not allowed any painkillers from then on because of the amount in system and was also not allowed to take all of the normal tabelts am on in the morning until the doctor phoned up and said it was ok.
they then did a blood test here,havent got a clue what for.

the pyschosis is very bad to plus have got obsessive thoughts which are immoral and violent,the ld pysch of mine thinks the pyschosis side of it is autism related; he thinks because am not able to communicate it; the brain is communicating in another way by halucinations and delusional thoughts,
he has seen many autistic clients whom are doped up to the eye balls on anti pyschotics because theyre in unsafe and unpredictible settings-instead of changing the reasons behind their lack of safety and unpredictibility.
-its why have never been prescribed anti pyschotics as he has put behavioral plans in place instead but the pyschosis has never changed,am just not passing it on to people as much.

had to cancel visit from sister and the nieces this week,despite the fact see them every wensday and also recieve a can of relentless/other cheapo redbull style drinks care of mum and dad which probably says how desperate am being at the moment.

eggstra proud

one of the hens; lorna or temple laid their very first egg today; its the bar mitsva of chickenhood,one proud mum here.

its one of the rareist sights to see a fully formed normaly shaped clean egg like that from a chicken that has just started laying,the girls must be pros at this shit.

am going to use a needle to drain the egg,and use some sort of varnish to harden the egg shell;to keep it as a trophy sort of thing.

and staff are going to use the egg that comes out for scrambled egg for temple and lorna to eat [scrambled egg is a good boost for them].

tomorow [wendsday] isnt going to be good,am having to rehouse kanner and henny at the farm tomorow,fuck knows how we are going to sit an agressive cockrel on knee and a dementiad old hen who doesnt like other chickens whatsoever.
plus...we are taking hennys coop to,jaysus that thing wont fit in our minibus.

going to miss them both a lot even though will still see them sometimes, kanner was very calm tonight he enjoyed being held and walking around with him for the first time,dont know if he knows whats going on.

fighting over the opposite gender-its a man thing

it was the white fella,AKA tito [named after the originaly profoundly autistic tito mukhopadhyay] ,in this shot:

VS

kanner [named after leo kanner],or mr nipper as he is afectionatly known- imagine tourettes but with nipping that tears bits of flesh out and bleeds or creates deep bruises that dont go away for many many weeks-kanner does that to people on maximum,he has done it since he was about a week old.


poor tito had his face shredded at some point last night whilst he was inside the coop,as soon as got back from mums this afternooon had noticed titos feathered covered in dried blood and was told what had happened.
luckily he doesnt need vet or OTC treatment at this stage.

am told by one of the managers who was stood in the fag area having his fag break that special needs chuck; lorna [named after lorna wing]:

was helping tito gently clean the blood off his face and body.

am sending kanner to the farm as it will give tito the hens; lorna [named after lorna wing] and temple [have a guess who she was named after] to look after without having to compete.
and kanner will be a very lucky cockrel with a huge run and a coop with one duck and a load of poor hens for him to jump on and molest lovingly protect and look after.

the hazards of echolalia and being around mum

when brain decides to turn off non verbalism for part of each day,am purely echolalic and palilalic, anyones speech has been picked up but mums for some reason was always the worst for it.

unfortunately mum swears constantly and uses weird sayings all the time,the self and sister used to have a game called 'gobshite bingo' named after a favourite old swear word of mums-we had turned her overuse of sayings and swearing into a game,neither of us wun but it was funny.

tonight,she was outside the room trying to put trousers on and for some reason coudnt get them on,and besides boomer snoring and biscuit mewing in her sleep,there was loud grunting noises and..........
'YEE SILLY FUCKIN SAUSAGE!!!!!'.

this is a ridiculous favourite of hers,and besides the fact am hoping she wasnt trying to stuff chipolatas/cumberlands down her pants, 'silly sausage' has been stuck in echolalia tonight,much to the fucked off ranting of a now totaly drunk mother [she hasnt touched the stuff for free months until the funeral this week,now she is necking the cheapest shitty gin from the bottle which makes her really agressive].

there was one time we were all in the lake district,near yorkshire and think it was at the edge of connisten lake? mum was ranting away with her sayings because of something or other and she called someone a 'silly sausage'.
in what sounds unbelievable; a yacht was driving? yachting? [whatever they call that stuff,havent got a clue]into the yacht parking bays with 'the silly sausage' painted on it.
had had a camera atthe time and took a photo of it but unfortunately have not been able to get hold of it, it was a sony cybershot which had been long smashed.


tesco value gin,dont do it kids!

seeing as many people see cats as their babies

well mine is wrapped up in the nieces baby blanket right now and her mammy is going to be giving out a bolloking when she finds out,will have to make sure to remind her she is a cat mother first and a human mother next- as all crazy cat ladies/men know,she seems to have furr-gotten that.

have been at mums since wensday because of the fact did not get to come at the weekend due to the funeral,its allso an excuse because dad recently upgraded his internet to virgins highest speed.

photo of biscuit currently snoring,stretching,mewing and wimpering next to em under the offending article-

its still dark & at some point in the morning or night right now so am on the laptop next to biscuit in bed.
there is space for another cat in there if anyone is wanting to throw theirs out of the house for pestering.

turning comments back on

just a note to say am turning comments back on and am sorry for leaving it off for so long.
people probably know why had done it ,well that had a major effect on being able to trust and know who was speaking to.

am hoping people didnt feel offended for having comments turned off as never meant to offend or quieten people,but the pyschosis that was going through [and still am in varying levels] made so paranoid that itd be somone else trying to worm their way in and destroy em again.



[EDITED]
have just turned comments back on now,one thing that thought was quite unsusual though,in the settings TRA had been tickd as an adult site,cant remember if had misunderstood the term or not but that means TRA has been limiting itself in searches for so long due to people thinking its a redtube site-its no wonder all the support staff of mine find it,cause theyre looking for bloody redtube and the like. :P


[EDITED AGAIN,SORRY]
damn,cant seem to get comments working on it tonight,will givre it a go tomorow when am not on night meds.

any disability bloggers reading this?

in the past week,have finaly caught up with everyone on blogger despite running TRA for years.
had never realised how to find the other blogs because there is no simple search nor understood how to modify this blog better.
although had originaly found some through other peoples favourite blog lists; it seemed to be the same old blogs-often from people who were long suspected of not being who they say they are or having what they say which makes it very difficult to read what people write.


anyway,so now have graduated the school of blog,am wondering if anyone wants their blog added to the list? woud like to find ones not just to add but also to read because so many are abandoned,please comment [once have turned that back on obviously,will not be able to comment without the function-thatd be like internet schizophrenia.].

cannot believe how many people have either left blogging or have turned their blogs on private,whats this about? please inform this very uninformed person thanks. :P

painting a disabled serial killer

painted a picture with a theme to make people think the other day.
serial killers with developmental or intelectual disabilities.

one stuck out because liked his hair,painted it using some posh reeves water colour paints that sister had gave,was first time have ever used water colours as prefer acrylic paint but al ot of people like this one.

the autism and intelectual/learning disability have a profound effect on art of mine-in good ways and bad,woud do a lot more pictures if there wasnt so much effort and energy that goes into them,em had to be helped to choose skin colour because am blind to peoples physical individualities.
also had to make his eyes closed because of eye diffiulties,and also not able to draw using one hand;it has to be hand over hand to guide.

am not able to write so staff have wrote his name on it,the guy is called eddie lee mosley,his intelectual disability is genuine,here is story on him-
http://www.crimezzz.net/serialkillers/M/MOSLEY_eddie_lee.php

anyway here is pic-

when everything isnt so RAD

this is the very first post have written in the mainstream about having reactive attachment disorder.

most people assume the following about RAD-

• its only a disorder involving kids who have been through adoption/childrens homes etc.
• like autism,ADHD and all those other good fur nothing fly by night disorders;it magicaly disapears in adult hood [they assume that as theres bugger all research on how it affects us as adults]. 

its only been several years since was diagnosed,had been very severely affected by it despite not having the label,most people put it down to the autism or bad behavior.

mine was probably due to the fact was severely disabled which had triggered severe depression and alcoholism in mum so didnt really know of her much apart from the rare times she was sober and the only time that dad interacted was to beat the shit out of em for behavior and difficulties he did not understand,had felt real hate for him and lacked complete attachment to both of them looking back.

the LD specialist who used to work with em was also specialised in attachment issues such as RAD and this is how it finaly became recognised,as staff here thought the disconection to humans and inability to ask others to help was going beyond severe autism.

the manager we had back then was awful in those days and he made every issue of the attachment disorder worse,such as constantly threatening to move to another place because theyre unable to help em,seeing RAD behaviors as challenging behavior,not understanding why did not trust staff and making threats all over the place to crumble the safety net of mine.

the last residential service was living with completely turned the RAD up to max because was being moved from place to place to place to place... it wasnt just because am severely autistic but it had a permenent fix on the RAD mentality to.

-almost all of their staff were very neglectful to em,was regulary left lying red raw in own piss trapped down the side of the bed all day whenever had had a seizure,many a time had been brought back from unconciousness from mouth being full of concrete having been headbanging on the wall most of the day [minus a helmet,as they refused to get services involved for one of those].
-staff woud refuse to help with basic needs that was unable to do or needed such as getting nappies,tie shoe laces [am not able to tie them as there are to many steps],they woud physicaly abuse em when being bathed so em stopped bathing all togeter.
as for nappies,untile moving here em used rolled up toilet paper which is what had always done,it didnt work well but it was better than nothing.
em need physical and constant prompting help with each step in personal care but because previous homes had neglected this had just not cleaned at all even with baby wipes and was regulary visited by kidney infections ,though because was always staying at mums at the weekend,she woud bath em there-em wore shorts in the bath because of the sensory issues with water.

throughout entire life have always refused help,even when it meant hurting or risking self,people still confuse that with militant independance and many have even gotten offended because they think its because of them.
when there was a situation of needing help,that inbuilt concept that triggered the action to go find people to help was missing,people assumed did not need help then as well and thought was a lot more able than actualy was which had led to all the problems have had here.

one of the triggers that stopped em from eating food for many years was actualy staff forgetting to make dinner but they always told staff next on that they had fed em something or other.
em wasnt having that control stripped away,though besides that it was largely an autistic issue.

 whenever em used to be desperate for something,such as drink of mine; which is in a locked cubord,instead of being able to ask for it even in sign language or PECS woud try and tear the doors off-it worked a few times but got in serious trouble with the arsehole manager who thought was being deliberately challenging and not desperate & unable to ask for help.

the boots of mine were laced ones,em woud walk around with these big mountain horse steel filled yard boots [mum calls them clod hoppers] with the laces flopping about some staff who didnt know em well woud say to tie laces and when telling them am not able to they woud say am clearly able to because am able to use a computer-they ALWAYS said this whilst doing something for one of the other residents who dont have any issues with what theyre being helped with but because one of them has infantilism [he is actualy a high functioning adult when staff arent there and isnt believed to have autism by all staff,he has borderline PD ,bipolar and the UK definition of learning disability] and another is profoundly autistic but able [he even has a laptop and an ipad and can use the internet without help], they assume they cant do anything for themselves,thanks to them they enabled their learned helplessness.

the arsehole manager made the RAD so much worse by telling staff not to help and only get involved if em ask for help.
whenever em fought against his bullshit he turned around and said 'who is the pyschologist here?' he had a fucking pyschology degree! what a load of shit,one of the support staff had a pyschology degree to and sister of mine had a pyschology degree;it didnt mean they were a pyschologist.

the LD specialist em had before current one was an expert in attachment problems and that is when things finaly began to change for em,very slowly though due to the arsehole manager still being here,he made em feel so unsafe as he continuously wined about might have to be transfered to another residential placement whenever em was feeling unsafe or going through a pyschotic or severe depressive episode-he felt that was like a form of control but it just wound em up so much woud end up exploding and either fighting him or doing some serious self injuring.
after that he woud say it' proved what he was saying' or some other bullshit.

he used to say when em came in bedroom and hid away in the wetroom of mine,that was trying to take staff away from the other residents-despite the fact no staff are for specific residents,and the fact woud go in the wetroom to isolate self in a small space which was more comfortable,em was catatonic and severely depressed in those days and he treated em like shit which made em even more suicidal and reach for something to strangle the carotid artery with but he even woud shout about that been attention seeking.
em was isolating self away from everyone at that time and em actualy hated the human race because of him.
em have no attachment to humans whatsoever-way beyond the effects of severe autism and will always put animals and even insects first.

he got sacked eventualy because he was the power of attorney of mine and ended up not paying many care bills for over a year if remember correctly,
em was in a lot of debt because of him,was actualy left with no money every week for a long time to pay it off when staff said it shoud have been him who paid it off.

his sacking has helped em get so much better in terms of the RAD.
am now able to get certain staff for help,people understand needs a lot better because am not hiding away from them anymore.


so yes,this is lifelong attachment disorder,all the chickens of mine have it, they cant seem to unattach themselves from porridge.

chickens at night

tonight the chuck chucks had a lot of messing about to get them their daily warm porridge before bed,had also got staff to put a teddy in the dryer so that we coud put it in with henny and keep her warm.
so we get out and start sharing out the porridge in all their dishes, and then.....
nobhead alert,fireworks were being thrown everywhere.
em kept smashing head off the side of the coop and going into meltdown sleep,was paralysed when woke up but not completely.
staff managed to restrain em into the house then had rest and got ear defenders on.

em had done some serious concusion damage to head the other day  and it was still swolen,add on top of it also head banging badly tonight so didnt like putting the helmet or ear defenders on but it was either that or let someone else do feed them but em do it every day.


em had left the laptop outside hoping to get some photos of the chucks because cam wasnt working,em love the chucks and never get to see them because of this stupid health and safety rule someone biased against chickens decided to put on them.


here are ems special babies;the ones that have got a major atachment to  though temple is a special baby to but she is the bottom of the pecking order in her coop and was currently being used as a stool by lorna at the time.


here is jim jims [also known as jimbo] with his fluffy trousers on.

and here is mr tito himself,the badass of the entire world or so he likes to act but he is a pussy cat and loves hugs and attention off em,he loves being babied.

the tragedy that is disability

tragedy-

trag·e·dy

   [traj-i-dee] Show IPA

noun, plural trag·e·dies.

a dramatic composition, often in verse, dealing with a serious or somber theme, typically that of a great person destined through a flaw of character or conflict with some overpowering force, as fate or society, to downfall or destruction.

the tragic  element of drama, of literature generally, or of life.

 please stop feeding this mindset to autistic and non autistic kids and adults that autism in any severity is a tragedy.

some of us grew up being resented on a daily basis due to our level of autism and lack of support or education for parents,mine used their fists and anything they coud grab hold of to beat every autistic and learning disabled trait,difficulty and behavior,regulary outloud said they wished had not been born,or was like more sister,was made out to be nothing but a lifelong burden to them by the ever useless doctors,whom had told mum only brain damage caused autism.
all of their tragic attitudes rubbed off on em throughout entire life,felt was  useless and people around em were only to quick to highlight that.

mum and dad had no idea em was aware of their discusions on a possible childrens home placement.
was made to feel like the tragedy of the family,the one they piled resentment on and hate because was not intelectualy or school wise on the level with sister plus she never was any trouble at school she was just socialy impaired and shy.

it wasnt until em was in the residential services am in now that the mentality of mine changed,these guys to be specific[link to ems incubation project page,its out of date as they said theres no webspace left]- *click here*
it isnt that believed coudnt do anything but that had believed was worthless and useless and didnt deserve to be here because had caused so much suffering to the family.

the residential centre am in over the past few years has helped work on re programming that thinking.
they also have taught the family am not a tragedy,am not a stain on the families good streak.
most importantly they have helped self to accept self instead of loathe and by christ that was an achievement.

they have helped em to understand own autism and how it affects others on the severe and profound spectrums of autism to,without this understanding woud not be even near aware of how deeply it affects others and it is this why understand so many parents think we all have to fit one stereotype or another to match their idea of what definition shoud be.

the problem that thinking of us as a tragedy causes is exactly what have just wroten above,it creates such an embedded self loathing mentality and possibly depresion for the autistic who has enough awareness of language;and both deep resentment,hatred,self loathing and depresion for the parent.

just because we are born differently to the wishes of the parent,doesnt mean we cannot have a life which is comfortable,acceptable and interesting to us, it does not mean we cannot have a quality of life.
every profoundly autistic em know in this residential centre has a high quality of life.
the adult profoundly autists both have a job once a week,they even attend a mainstream [UK] FE college.
one of them is even able to use normal public transport no problem,and they both access the mainstream community.

with the right support,clear boundaries in place,sensory integration and behavioral issues worked on, chances to communicate easily and understanding and a safe supportive but independance encouraging place to live in; autistics can have a great life,there is no tragedy to our lives or condition,the only tragedy is the serious abuse some of us have recieved [and unfortunately for some will stil] in care......
....the lack of understanding,the lack of coping with us leading to some autists being spoilt all their lives and thinking they own everything......
.....the autists who are completely aware that theyre using violence to control others......
....the people who target us/manipulate us/groom us and bully us online because of our level of autism they see us as weak whilst thinking theyre 'hard' for bullying and predatarily targeting a very vulnerable adult......
....the legal lack of benefits to survive on when we live in residential care..... ........the lack of understanding off our shitty govnernment who continuously shuts down day services for us and leaving many stuk in the house because they cannot work,cutting funding on special education courses for us not to mention some years ago when they removed all funding all together for people over twenty five going to special colleges...........
.......cutting social services funding so they had to get rid of people who didnt meet the highest level of critical needs which has left vulnerable people without care.......
now THAT is a tragedy.
THAT is a tragedy we need to cure.
-see our real tragedy is other people!
-our tragedy is the media and its inability to make people aware of autism without portraying it as a kids disability or a tragedy on mankind.
-our tragedy is having organisations whom are biased towards ideas such as cure representing us,they dont give a stuff about our voice either and think even those of us with severe or profound autism need our parents to represent us.
-our tragedy is these biased organisations portraying autism as a kids disease to get more donations coming in,most of which goes on cure research AND NOT supporting the autistics who exist today and are struggling to survive.
-our tragedy is the lack of basic respect,rights,advocacy, and human equality that those of us with severe or profound autism get from the autistic community, isolating us when they develop advocacy or autism spectrum forums,or when theyre standing up for the spectrum.
-our tragedy is the autism and autistic communities arguing between each other about what autism is and "how their kid is more autistic and disabled than some other kid and how people in the autistic community dont represent their child because theyre able to use a computer and type",instead of getting together and campaigning for better awareness and understanding against the REAL problem-the bastard disablist governments of our countries.

change-why do thee smite us?

this weekend has been bad for a change.
early yesterday morning a favourite special auntie of mine had went away because she had a 'massive heart attack' [they dont seem to require the op where they cut open people to find out the problem where they are].

auntie annie was one of the few relatives of mine who was not disowned by as a child for being a 'heavy burden' on the family and for being a curse from god- almost all of them did and they gave their attitudes to their kids [cousins of mine].

she always tried interacting with em even at a very young age,she never saw bad in em.
she didnt get on well with sister because she said 'sister was snobby and never spoke to her and when she did she spoke like she was better',however it turned out sis was on the spectrum as well-according to herself and old specialists and autism expertised support staff of mine.
we didnt get to see her much because she lived in ireland and unfortunately all the female sisters on mums side were alcoholics so they woud all say something silly on the phone to take offense to, and stop any contact between us all again.

she had stoppped drinking years ago but unfortnately developed severe bipolar and was in and out of sectioning regulary,and poor uncle mickey-her husband is going through alzheimers which have just found out.


annie went away yesterday morning and the funeral is today saturday which is usualy the day em go home to spend the weekends at mums.
so dad has asked em through staff if he and mum coud go to the funeral and em stay here-which is a major painful change to self,em agreed because he dropped off the things that em have when go home to make it as much like normal saturday as possible.
am also on lorazepam this morning-  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
the gp understands a lot of autistic issues as there are many residential homes around here so he prescribes them for PRN use,for big changes like this or for fireworks-because its still bonfire season here.


so yes its saturday,am at home am not at mums,staff are doing best to help em theyre taking em for a drive and small starbucks frapachino after.
had one last week but am not going to tell them that.


wish doctors woud prescribe drugs that arent benzos for helping with this, they gave em diazepam for years which never made one bit of difference its only this year they have upped the severity of the drug,but its still a benzo.
a small dose of ketamine,or amitryptiline woud probably fair better...then again am not a doctor and who are we to talk of our own bodies in such a educated manner.

presenting-a new anti cyber bullying campaign

no more bull!

had starting making a website for this a long while ago but the webhost had used at the time was really bad and had poor uptime, so have found this other one which has very good uptime,theres just one company advert on it  at the bottom of the page but its fine.

its early work in progress at the moment,but theres enough on it to release it.

it is a campaign to highlight the targeting and cyber bullying of learning and intelectualy disabled adults.
most people only think kids get cyber bullied but it is a regular problem for many vulnerable learning disabled people because we are less able to fight back or realise we are being bullied before we are in to deep.

all the main learning disability charities havent done any campaigns against it and when had looked for one to turn to when was being bullied there wasnt any sites,the only bullying that bullying charities think exists for adults is in the work place!

adult cyber bullies who are deliberately targeting and preying on vulnerable disabled people are showing clear signs of anti social personality disorder [pyschopathy & sociopathy] and it is about time we had learning disability charities looking into this.

we deserve as much right to use the internet as anyone else,people who abuse it by destroying other peoples freedoms shoud be tracked down and sent before the court,hopefuly ASBOd from using the internet to.
like there are courses for people who drink and drive,there shoud be courses for predatory cyber bullies and serious vicious trolls who have been refered by the courts.


*click here for the website*
the site has a contact page,if are learning disabled or parents/carers of learning disabled people, please check out the contact page because have got some questions on there woud like to hear off others so they can be added to the site.

if woud like to see a forum,please say so as well because will add one with enough interest.

if scroll to the bottom of the home page will also see have added a facebook like thing and facebook comment box,to make it modern friendly.

and we are called the retarded ones?

most people am known by reading this are probably long aware of a person online who had spent years grooming,copying words of mine off here and forums to use as his own experiences for attention,lying,bullying and threatening to the point it triggered severe major depression and pyschosis which a doctor said she woud have had to section if was not living in residential care.
this guy had a permenent effect on the way that think,he had originaly done what was told by staff is called grooming of a vulnerable adult,he used information of mine to pretend we were so alike to make em like him and be friends which made manipulation easier for him.
he is still around the internet bullshitting on pretty much every forum he can for attention or trolling,he also still reads this blog; hi adrianna, rob,dawn ,matt,jake etc what ever name are prefering to go by now.

anyway,am on a website called yahoo answers and am mainly on the disability and special education boards,helping only the people with genuine disability questions whilst looking out for fellow regulars and trolling the trolls.

the person am speaking of above is on yahoo answers and he trolls the fuck out of it,with many multiple accounts to encourage attention giving and to vote himself up and report innocent individuals.
last week had been reported twice,on the same day by him and his band of merry sockpuppets [sockpuppet=multiple account persona].
acording to the emails had gottenn it resulted in both answers of mine been removed and having ten points per each removed answer taken away,what sort of self trolling nob goes to all the effort of trying to troll someone who doesnt recognise or understand numbers by getting points of theirs removed? 
he also thinks posting questions about autistics being stains on humanity  is a way to rile em up,sorry it worked years ago but not any more,think it might be time to go get some DBT for that borderline and anti social personality disorder adrianne/rob/matt etc.

seeing as he is still a fan of the blog,heres a greeting of mine to him in british sign language which is one of the alternative communication forms am a user of and he pretended to communicate in when he faked having autism [actualy,it was ASL,american equivlent but many signs are the same though am only able to communicate with a few BSL most of mine is makaton]-

lots of love.

new banner B

made this banner yesterday,had built the background of it totaly using brushes,one flare gradient and no filters,the fonts are a bit shite but didnt feel well enough to concentrate on browsing dafonts.com for to long.
the photo is a recent one of self and the special favourite chickens of mine-temple and tito that staff took,it has some filters used on it.

it is using the usual hacked gimp again,it is much better than photoshop unless are a profesional who needs access to a shit ton of useless filters,and am proud to say am not following the brainwashed digital art crowd by not illegaly downloading a product a lot of people have put a lot of work into.

new banner

had decided to make this weekend a time to make a new banner as am finding it not good everytime seeing the old one it reminds that poor lottie was ran over by some speeding bastard.

this one doesnt look right really but may have another go to morow or wait till back home.


built the background completely using brushes and not filters,not that itd work on linux anyway but no photoshop involved only a hacked GIMP [used with the GIMP painter and paint studio mods].
it does head in that loads of digital artists think digital art can only be created with photoshop,they download a program which the photoshop team work very hard on developing and have no problem with stealing it yet fucking whinge about kids stealing their art,bugger off.

farm opening day again

went to a haloween party yesterday at the farm project and got to have a look at the grand opening of the holiday cabinet they have built there which is awesome and at some point am going to spend a day there which is a big goal of mine because a change of scnery is a major issue of mine.
have been going there for years though to visit lottie and the animals,and newer cat; princess.

it was a chance meeting but it turned out that the owner of the special olympics cheshire east club was there and she was glad to hear am getting involved in cheshire north and west club.

princess didnt want to know where mummy was because someone had fed her her dinner,so didnt get to give her a hug but picked up some chicken food and hay for the chickens and went to mc donalds on the way back for the first ever treat in a long while as am now getting the nappies on prescription/NHS and have some money to spend.

at home,we did the usual routine.
it was pitch black outside and the chickens had put themselves to bed,but we did what we do every night for them since it started getting colder-we make warm porridge for them with water,porridge,sultanas,sometimes dried meal worms if we have any,also soaked some malt loaf bread in water [they cant have dried bread cause it swells in their belly and is very dangerous] then broken up into tiny bits-it looked like lumpy diorreah in a bowl and one of the staff nearly puked when she saw it.

the cochin flock go the most crazy over porridge and had filmed it recently [make sure sound is on]- *click here for video*

ex battery hen-henny [who is seven years old] has a secret love for slugs,meal worms [and porridge!].

special olympics

some years ago had looked into joining the special olympics hoping to get into a special olympics club which offers equestrianism.
this was at a time long before had gotten the motability car and was limited to manchester as it is where used to live.
unfortunatelty there werre no clubs in manchester then let alone ones which offered equestrianism which is a big favourite of mine as anyone who am known by or who knows this blog will know. :P

had recently joined a subscription only website which is purely for people with learning/intelectual disability  [or the carers/support staff etc of] and so many users were going to their local SO club,it brought back the interest again so had found several in cheshire-one does horse riding and the other does loads of stuff but not horse riding.
the horse riding one is on holiday at the moment but theyre getting back in contact with manager,am going to be going with several other people from here to.
hope to do a lot of sports woud love to go to the other cheshire club as well will have to see if we can do that.

mending sores

mum had a serious heart attack the sunday before last and only just got out of hospital on friday.
as soon as she left the hospital doors she had her fags out smoking and then started drinking heavily again when she got home and she hasnt stopped boozing since.

its really hard to know what to do when someone is comitted to destruction and wont get help,she has had depression for longer than alcoholism.

its only the past few years have had any sort of connection with them having grown up being resented,beaten and mentaly abused on a daily basis by both of them [mum only when drunk],regulary over hearing of childrens home talk.

even support staff mentioned recently it is more like a normal parental-child relationship now compared to when they first saw us.
am accepting staff calling dad; dad now as well,as it has started to feel more natural.

am visited by them every wensday and they love seeing all the chicks and chickens.
dad in fact loves them so much last week he ordered them a massive coop and double run without having ever asked him.
am very greatful to parents but wish things coud have been different back then in terms of disability understanding and support for parents as we all lost out on so much and am still coming to terms with the twentyodd years being resented,seen as a burden on the family by near and distant relatives,no hope...
its still very painful.

finaly...a doctor fucking listens

as with many a autist,have spent entire life struggling with insomnia,even as a toddler when normal sleep patterns are recognised in people; was recognised as a severely poor sleeper who constantly woke up as well.

its been that way for twenty eight years,not being able to sleep till light when everyone else is getting up.

learning disability pyschologists of mine have always refused ANY kind of sleeping aid which was really pissed off by,because so many people walk into their GP surgery saying they had mild/moderate insomnia for a week and they get prescribed bloody benzos [diazepam usualy] or other drugs,yet those of us with autism who have had this problem all of our lives are ignored.

had gave up so much-cut down a lot on caffeine and sugar,only half a cheap redbull ripoff drink per day,at one point had gave up caffeine totaly for months and staff never noticed one change in sleep pattern or behavior.
had started eating food again after going years without it because was told it may help sleep...it didnt.

had changed night routine,introduced sensory things to help sleep,avoided napping in the day...none of this helped.

staff,doctors and pyschs of mine have never understood that am not affected by caffeine in the same way as normal people are;and never have been,it slows thinking down,ex autism specialists that used to be in the learning disability team were the only ones to understand caffeines affect on the central nervous system in people whose neurological systems are not typical.

when growing up had tried every single herbal/supplement type sleep aid sold in chemists and not one of them had an effect even when overdosed.
so was totaly pissed off when had found out off support staff recently the pysch had told them he doesnt want to prescribe even the mildest sleep aid but suggests trying something from the chemist.
he says because sleep has always been like this it is a routine and not a medical problem as such which can be cured with tablets and only making effort to change life will do anything.
living in residential care; have gone through more effort than anyone that know of to prove they need medical help with sleep and it takes the piss when people keep suggesting shit have already done many times over.

so last week had made the decision to go to the GP to override the BS off the pysch and see if the GP woud help in any way.
was with two staff as usual and gripping onto them like a crazy pregnant woman in contractions,because the different environment,unpredictibility and lack of understanding off medical people over the years have led to a phobia of doctors.

he was understanding,and understandably to; he didnt want to prescribe diazepam; didnt want it anyway as am prescribed it for PRN whenever have got any big changes or sensory issues from fireworks and it doesnt fucking work,plus having a medication phobic drug addiction therapist for a sister know all about how addictive benzos are.

he started prescribing something that in one day started to change life for the better,melatonin!

over here have asked doctors for it for years but they said they didnt know what it was,at the weekend had researched circadin with dad,and it turned out in this country [UK] it hasnt long become licenced here,plus its only licenced either for people over fiftyfive or people with autism.

pretty fucking disgusting that autistic kids in this country have had access to it for years off label where we adults have been told to go rot for sleep help.

from the first day had started it taking it,it helped with sleep,am not getting many if any pain killers off staff throughout the night anymore-sometimes that was due to using them as a desperate way to get sleep.
and because its helping with sleep,it means am up during the day,doing things and it is helping to feel a lot better.
the pyschologist had said as long as am sleeping-whether its during the day from exhaustion or night time it doesnt matter,without giving a thought to the fact was never out of bedroom because of this,and being in bed all day was not doing anything or having any quality of life.
its ridiculous someone woud even think like he did when he is supposed to help mental issues in people with learning disability but doesnt think we have a right to a quality of life to.

am not napping alot either only if have had seizures or overloads,melatonin has really changed life for the better and it isnt even a sedative;it just stabilises melatonin levels like anti depressents in clinical depression/major depressive disorder.

woud say to anyone with autism,or a related condition,or someone over fifty five [apparently they start to lack melatonin at that age] -and insomnia to go to the GP and ask about melatonin,in people who lack it the supplement is a life changer.